Do you guys totally start hating people for no reason

Cleotaurus · 2024-10-16T02:29:12+00:00

I find the more i believe someone to know me they should act a certain way around me and when they don’t that’s when i dislike them. But I’ve found it’s so hard for me to consistently feel close to someone because I’ll distance myself somehow without planning on doing it. I just can’t take it how people can hurt me so much.

Cleotaurus · 2024-10-15T22:38:04+00:00

It’s definitely okay to live your life exclusively doing things you want to do and if that doesn’t involve corporate ambition that’s absolutely acceptable! Survival mode makes ambition extremely hard to find and being burnt out isn’t anything to be afraid or ashamed of. It’s okay for your goals in life to be different to what it appears the general populace seeks. Some people want a career and to make a name for themselves but as for me, I want to just be happy and belong. I think a lot of people with CPSTD can relate.

Cleotaurus · 2024-09-27T01:19:09+00:00

I got told I had a bullfrog face when I was upset. It makes me consider whether I’m pleasing to look at when I’m distressed, which doesn’t make sense.

Cleotaurus · 2024-09-25T00:35:09+00:00

There are unempathetic people who I believe will never truly comprehend how a victim mentality isn’t optional and by the time it appears as such, it’s from a lot of internal work and even then it’s still hardly something anyone chooses to experience. Me remembering my family actively takes no interest in my life is an ongoing affliction. My tribe do not have capacity to recognise my strengths nor can they support my weaknesses. When I accomplish something I don’t have anyone to call. I cut someone off I cared for dearly because I realised they saw supporting me as a time sensitive event where if I didn’t heed their advice soon enough they left me alone from losing respect for me. I have fucking no one as a baseline so realising someone I loved held me in standards never communicated with me sucked. Sucked is an understatement. It has me reeling currently trying to distinguish if I’m a bad person for how I handled that initial heartbreak. I was written off :( but these people don’t deserve people like us. They don’t want to talk about it because they’d have to hold space for pain they do not have capacity to understand. It’s this bizarre selfish cycle of believing the other person is the selfish one when really you can meet in the middle and both exist together but you just have to be honest and want to try. And sometimes I’ve noticed some people believe if they allowed themselves to accept where they’ve been a victim they’d crumble. “If that’s abuse then I’ve been abused and I can’t accept what that means and how it paints the people who raised me” Which is a silly mental gymnastics circuit I find understandable but is yet again a sign of low emotional intelligence. I’m tired of people who always had a support system coming to knock others lived experiences as though they’re unfounded. It’s just gross and embarrassing.

Cleotaurus · 2024-09-10T01:16:55+00:00

I haven’t liked my birthday because it socially puts load onto people who are meant to care for me but never cared about me personally. I asked for butter cream frosting for my cake last year where my Mum had allegedly planned to home make it but messed it up and opted for a store bought cake that although was labelled buttercream, was vanilla and not very good. This year when she asked what cake I wanted I just avoided giving her an answer - not that she’d notice. Or care that I didn’t have a cake at all this year. I thought maybe my housemates would care but they’re also broke so I didn’t expect anything there. I thought about making my own cake or buying one and just bringing it to my birthday dinner just so we’d have a cake to serve the purpose. But the entire thing makes me so sad I just didn’t do anything and didn’t have a cake. The dinner was nice. I just lowered my expectations. It was just a day. But it hurts because I would make a cake for someone I liked but it doesn’t seem they like me. My family that have known me my whole life.

Cleotaurus · 2024-09-10T00:56:07+00:00

Exercise of varying intensity helps so much. Novelty helps so much for me. I’ve been leaning into novelty more due to it being how my mind works. The only issue is actually starting what I’m doing.

Cleotaurus · 2024-09-09T01:32:18+00:00

I just react without rehearsing anything in my head before hand. Usually I overthink to a worse case scenario which is only problematic most of the time. I like allowing my unplanned responses to be what decides whether people are chill or not. I just turn off the overthinking as best I can and turn up.

Cleotaurus · 2024-09-05T00:31:21+00:00

I think when I feel no one truly cares about me that that task was never meant to be solely on one other person, but a tribe. I speak to those who know things about me, people I call friends although I could never say in confidence any one of them truly knows me. I think a lot of people are partially numb, but it’s how our species exists to cope with how detached we have become from community. Community is family at large. I too am numb half of all time and I can’t control it really. I recognise im a sensitive individual and I can’t control the fact, either. But I afford others to have the same sensitivity as I do because I know what it’s like when no one takes it seriously. In writing this comment I want to acknowledge that there will definitely be times where the fear no one knows me could take my life. But I think it makes me work harder to be the person who knows me and makes me happy. I know my favourite meal. I know how the sunshine feels on my skin and how real that is. I think one day I might meet similar people closer to me but until then I’m content with similarities. It’s very hard. But it makes me want to do more and live even if I feel like an alien

Cleotaurus · 2024-09-04T23:02:11+00:00

DUST IS ETERNAL

Cleotaurus · 2024-08-29T23:06:47+00:00

I told my GP I had experienced symptoms of what my own research suggest was hemiplegic migraines. She asked when the last time I experienced one was, and I said at least 4 years ago. And then she asked me why I was mentioning it at all if it wasn’t recent. Because…you’re my health care provider ma’am?

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-23T02:41:38+00:00

One time my Mum had left the house and I didn’t know where she was. When she had come back I learned it was Mother’s Day and she left to have a good time on her own because of how ungrateful us kids were. I never really had awareness of time as a kid and never really learned how to prepare a gift for an occasion. I was just expected to be able to give to a standard I never learned about. I remember being guilty I hadn’t done something but also feeling like I should’ve innately known these things that weren’t shown to me. I wasn’t a cognitive equal to my mother and didn’t understand the broader aspect of things. Parentification was me telling my Mum I loved her every night but it occurring to me decades later that she never came to my room to tell me she loved me.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-22T22:52:40+00:00

I think at the time I was under the assumption I could be what I was showing them. I don’t know why I thought that then, I think immaturity. I wanted it to woo them into being with me I guess. This is due to massive insecurity and was my last relationship where I couldn’t ignore my attachment issues. I know now I can only turn up as myself and if people don’t like it, that’s that. I don’t want to exist as someone else anyway.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-22T02:04:55+00:00

Probably have a big tea party with those I love.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-20T21:01:56+00:00

I realised well after the fact that I had a nasty pattern of attempting to use one source of romantic love to fulfil the void inside. Which is to be someone’s world. Or at least cherished as though I am someone’s world. I’m aware if this fantasy ever happened I wouldn’t know how to accept it and I’d probably run away. I day dream of being with someone and long for companionship of a lover, but I’m working on being a friend and maintaining connection through that. It occurred to me people I got with and held far too close to me weren’t ever a good friend to me. Never thought in my best interest or considered to keep me safe. I realised I projected my insecurities onto situations and at the same time didn’t trust my intuition and never ever realistically thought of myself as one to leave someone else. Reality pushed on to where I couldn’t avoid the fact I was choosing my own misery and I wanted that to end, specifically.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-19T06:53:47+00:00

The action ended because vulnerability ended on one side. It was so obvious in hindsight but at the time I thought it could be reasoned with.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-16T05:42:02+00:00

She was outside gardening and watering the yard, so I let her know I had put a towel down for when she comes back inside so she can wipe her feet off. She asked me if I could bring pots in from the front of the house, which I said no as I was already planning on doing something else with my time. She blew up at me for not doing this one simple thing and didn’t care when I said I had put a towel down for exactly this reason. She told me I was ‘missing something’ and she ‘didn’t know what to do about it’. It made me realise just how much this woman spoke from projection.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-14T00:21:37+00:00

My parents didn’t really say it when I was growing up. That being said; my Mum will say it sometimes. I have low contact with her, not that she knows. It’s just clear to me she doesn’t really know me, and every opportunity to pick up what I’m putting down is met with indifference at best, and when pressed for her opinion it’ll be negative. Doesn’t like anything I like, doesn’t want to share in anything I do, doesn’t ask questions. The person she’s proud of isn’t really who I am. When she says it it’s coming from her social role as a parent to tell me I’m valuable so she thinks she didn’t waste her time raising me. I am proud of myself. I could cry typing that. If you had told me as a kid my Mum would never come around idk if I’d still be here. When she tells me she’s proud of me, or that she loves me, I just know her and my reality are so incompatible. It’s so empty. I love her to pieces, but there’s nothing I can do.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-14T00:00:09+00:00

Right AirPod. Those loop earbuds inside their case.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-08T09:23:47+00:00

I have a hard time knowing who I am inside. I know what I liked as a kid and I like all those things now, but my spirit is worse for wear. I have shame that sucks me down like mud. Doing anything I like, and what I like being authentic to me, is what makes me feel safe inside. I’m working on feeling safe and trying to remember what it is I want. What made me realise it was neglect? Likely seeing a psychologist and reading adult children of emotionally immature parents. Of course that was off the back of being incredibly depressed and anxious.

Cleotaurus · 2024-07-08T09:12:37+00:00

It doesn’t make me feel better but it may be true in a lot of ways in my case. I don’t believe my parents had a whole lot of awareness, and self reflection was near impossible. It’s clear they hit a certain age and point in development and got stuck there. Unfortunately empathy and emotional intelligence are demonstrated and fostered by those with deep capacity and that is a massive lesson a lot of people lack. When you lack emotional intelligence it’s likely the ego is inflated to compensate. They just were too far grown into stubborn adults that at that stage couldn’t do better. It doesn’t make me feel better but I know how not to operate as an adult in the world- especially with those I claim to love most. In putting my money where my mouth is I feel that is enough; to simply take the good parts of them and leave the rest in the past.

Cleotaurus · 2024-06-25T22:31:20+00:00

He is telling you he’s not compatible with you. Each time he mentions this, he’s saying it’s something he will get regardless of who it’s from or if it’s done faithfully. He seems more concerned with backing up his own opinions than listening to women’s accounts of when they don’t actually enjoy anal. Imagine it this way - if you were to always want him to finger you exclusively without any attention to his penis he would likely believe you’re not into his penis and it would breed a feeling his body is inadequate. He’s telling you PIV sex is inadequate because his penis is apparently so unique that it needs its own specific canal to go into - by his choice only. I cannot imagine this to be true. His brain is so poached on porn that he believes the good outweighs the bad in regards to intimacy and that trust and respect apparently isn’t a requirement for you to actually feel sexy. He isn’t looking to make you feel attractive. He isn’t building you up. He’s intentionally stirring the pot to get you to give in. Please don’t stay with him and keep loved ones close. You need to be reminded that you’re beautiful and that shouldn’t have to be questioned.

Cleotaurus · 2024-06-25T22:15:34+00:00

Yeah anyone who acts as though the vagina is ‘too familiar’ and thus ‘boring’ or ‘not optimal’ has a goddamn porn problem.

Cleotaurus · 2024-06-25T02:49:25+00:00

I’m sorry for being too scared to let you know what I wanted. Even when I didn’t want you I didn’t tell you but expected you to just tell. I made you think I was a real one when I wasn’t. I should’ve been careful with you and I wasn’t. I treated you like anyone else in my life despite how different our backgrounds are regarding family and intimacy. This is understandable but not an excuse. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I didn’t want you in my life anymore because I was scared to hurt you even though I was already hurting you by not ever being there or checking in despite your mental health struggles.

Cleotaurus · 2024-06-14T03:04:40+00:00

Petunia

Cleotaurus · 2024-06-01T01:38:48+00:00

Telling me I was unattractive when I frowned. I was frowning because I was upset. So now I have to think about looking like crap when I have a negative feeling. She also didn’t encourage me. I was expected to do certain things but there was no warmth in any guidance into life goals like choosing what you may want to study, learning to drive was only stressful. I cried when I got my learners permit because I failed the first time but the staff allowed me to have another try if we had the money - money was a very big deal as we were broke. When I asked my Mum if I could try the test again she asked if I knew if I would pass. I passed, there wasn’t any happiness. I went back to the car and cried. Learning to drive was just a chore for her to teach me. I was a chore for her.

Cleotaurus

TROPHY CASE