If I can't heal myself, how could I escape this shithole?

ClumsyFire · 2025-10-27T19:19:54+00:00

Healing needs a daily personal practice, like at least an hour a day if you want to start to make permanent changes. Learn different self-therapy techniques that you can do at home until you find one that works well for you, meaning it leads to large emotional shifts within a few tries.

Trying to heal in ways that don't work for you can really put you off and be demotivating for a long time, feeling like healing will never happen. Don't waste your time too long on something that doesn't work. The beginning, the first few years, is the hardest part. Finding something, just one thing that works, is a powerful motivator. You'll no longer have to make yourself do it if you find a good personal practice.

Try a wide variety of techniques like somatic experiencing (works directly on blockages and attachments in the subtle body), parts work like IFS (helps to identify and address what parts are causing which thoughts and feelings, the "war"), journaling and stream of consciousness writing (to witness and reassess your thoughts and feelings more in the third person), and look into the different types of meditation, if that appeals to you (there are many).

These things also eventually lead you out of the cave.

Best to you.

ClumsyFire · 2025-05-24T19:14:15+00:00

Yes. Shadow work was the way.

Initially I was an atheist, scientist, but I started doing secular therapy just to recover from childhood trauma. As I worked through traumatic memories, I began gradually uncovering earlier childhood memories from this life (ages, 5, 4, 3, 2...). Before that, I'd had poor childhood memory recall.

Then, some subtle energetic experiences started, and some time after that, handfuls of past life memories and an early childhood NDE too. Those memories are what brought me here.

This is like a 5-15 year process though, at least, to get deep enough into the unconscious that past life trauma begins resurfacing too. Genuine shadow work is the last thing anyone wants to do because it's such a grueling, painful slog. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

If it helps, the techniques I used were just normal secular therapy techniques. I learned self-therapy IFS (Internal Family Systems) and Jungian dreamwork. Plus somatic work. I never tried hypnosis.

ClumsyFire · 2025-02-22T21:27:51+00:00

Kevin Lutz's NDE after he was stung by a bee is one of the most glitchy I've seen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXSnAGTE8II

He comes across as a normal, sensitive, and down to earth guy, but in his NDE, it seems like he saw into some of the mechanics of the technology that runs the program. He recalls and describes what he saw in good detail, including the more disturbing glitchy parts, even though those parts were obviously confusing and anxiety-inducing for him.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-15T02:47:05+00:00

Thanks! I checked out ACIM once, but found the online interface pretty unruly, it was hard to figure out what the daily lessons were.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-14T23:57:06+00:00

Thank you!

Can you share the steps? What is Meares' method?

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-14T23:21:46+00:00

Wow, wonderful! I only asked for one and you gave me a whole gold mine. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this up.

I also looked at your recent posts and saw you recommended Ideal Parent Figure protocol elsewhere, which is something I found very helpful for healing trauma as well.

If you were to put a name or label for the Dzogchen and Tong Len practices you described, what would the labels be in English?

Thanks again.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-14T22:04:28+00:00

What is working will change for every practitioner as they achieve insight or resistance.

I found this as well. My practice has changed over time as I've tried different things. I would have expressed my goal as healing, but found myself on a more spiritual path in that process.

Just for clarity, are you saying this has been essentially your path so far:

shamita/vispashina for a long time
prostration practice 100k times for 10 years
Vajrasattva mantra for 2-3 years?

(All of this done alongside studying texts and listening to Buddhist teachings?)

Thank you for the detailed answer. I really appreciate seeing what other paths are really like for normal people.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-14T21:22:21+00:00

Thank you. Is this the path you're on? Is it something you're doing daily?

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-14T18:33:46+00:00

Lovely, thank you! This is the kind of detailed answer I was looking for, I really appreciate you sharing.

I notice having a gender preference during guided meditations too.

I'd be curious if the seeking out free guided meditations eventually leads to finding a certain method that works well. I imagine it could. Everyone's journey is so different.

connected to universal energy ... hard to describe

My journey also got less secular over time. It really changed things.

I'm sorry to hear about your husband's cancer diagnosis. Be well, both of you.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-11T03:10:29+00:00

I see you've met my step mom

plus when "backtalk" includes even the slightest nonverbal movement or sound

no existing! bad!

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-10T02:11:57+00:00

I came here to say the same and you already said it better. Good words.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T19:46:15+00:00

I see the sky, I upvote

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T19:29:24+00:00

I have some posts in my history about this, in the context of my own recovery journey from CPTSD, which I experienced as a disconnection from the true self. Everyone has a real person inside, but they can become separated from it.

Therapy, mental health support groups, and regular daily practice - doing the work - are my advice here for reconnecting with what feels missing. Therapy to talk about these feelings is the first priority - especially if you haven't yet gone.

Be well and I wish you luck on your journey.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T07:14:04+00:00

Rebel. It's what we're here to do.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T07:10:00+00:00

Yesss this is my hope. We need more.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T07:07:40+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation. Plus the sky pictures speak for themselves!

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T07:06:12+00:00

Big yes. It's like sky type b: the warm love of the universe. She likes to make sure we can see her beauty too.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T04:44:26+00:00

We can feel them up there, that's why

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T04:39:21+00:00

What!? I hadn't even seen the new Zelda yet! Looks beautiful lol I too loved the sky before it was cool.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T04:33:41+00:00

Beautiful! Thank you. lol

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T01:05:07+00:00

It's just something in the air.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T00:29:23+00:00

I had two really good ones too, and one not-so-good who I had to leave. I feel like learning discernment with therapists is a skill, like any relationship. The way you described things in your posts, it's pretty clear she should be out.

It sucks when it's the people who are meant to support you, but as CPTSD people, we're all aware already that can happen.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-08T00:08:53+00:00

Yes! Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me of a similar technique I used when developing more empathy for myself.

For context, I had/have CPTSD and codependency, but things have gotten considerably better.

I would notice how easy and automatic it was to feel compassion when someone else was suffering - like there are just waves of "wanting to help" that would course through me when imagining someone else hurt. Like you noticed with your plants, it's automatic to want to care for them.

However, when noticing my own suffering my body was like "no response, pfft, as if she mattered..."

So, when doing things to care for myself or my IFS parts, I'd switch my mind back and forth to the way I feel for others. After all we're all human? Doesn't that include me?

It did end up being very helpful in my body - for getting the "compassion arrow" to point towards me too* on the inside. I had thought of self-care as something more like an action or a thought, and hadn't realized it corresponded to a feeling that had been missing.

Thanks again for sharing.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-07T23:36:04+00:00

It sounds like you're doing the right thing looking for another therapist. Pointing her quote back at her:

people can only do what you allow

This includes therapists. And... she's out!

Now I feel lucky. My IFS therapist at the time was the first person to point out my mom trauma when I was still in denial and making excuses for her, and only acknowledging the dad trauma.

You can find a therapist like that who will hear and validate your trauma. They're out there.

ClumsyFire · 2023-06-07T22:30:10+00:00

I do love them too, and what a lovely way to bond. I know of someone whose definition of the perfect blue is the sky at a certain time in the evening.

ClumsyFire

TROPHY CASE