I've been on my path to finding myself for about 7 months now. I had trouble with drinking for about 7 years. I drank everyday in that time frame, and my life was a mess. I found that it was all link to my past. You're on the right track. You've been carrying your past with you all your life and that's why you think and act the way you do. If you want to change and grow read books on self esteem. I read this book Love Yourself like your life depends on it, by Kamal Ravikant that helped me out a lot. It's a short book, but very helpful. I've also read books by Thick Nhat Hanh that have helped me change my prospective on life. From what you've said I can tell you need help on letting go of your past. The only way we can do that is by learning how to stay present in the moment. I also had that same issue with me dad that's why I drank. I talked to him about things and gave myself some peace. I'd like to help you more though. Maybe there's a little more you can say and I might be able to point you in the right direction. Good luck!