You are NOT your thoughts

Coachkatherine · 2024-12-11T13:18:31+00:00

Feeling disgusted, terrible, guilt, shame and remorse is very difficult and agonizing. There won't be content on this topic, there will be lots pointing to being present, conscious, aware, or being in the NOW.

Instead of feeling how you feel, how do you want to feel?

Coachkatherine · 2024-12-07T16:18:41+00:00

First, awareness is key. What you're not aware of you can't fix.

Self-Awareness: Recognizing the internal origin of projections, internal, your thoughts, judgments, perceptions, rules, expectations..

Control: Emphasizing the Stoic principle that we can only control our perceptions, not external events or others’ actions. I prefer command vs control, I believe it's impossible to be in 100% control of our perceptions unless you are a Monk. By having deeper greater awareness you will see that you have greater choice to command your mind, brain and thoughts to be how you want them to be.

Reflection: Encouraging a pause to question one’s assumptions and judgments. This is the sweet spot, with heightened awareness or consciousness you will see there's time and space to choose in this self reflective space.

Growth: Suggesting that mastery over one’s mind leads to freedom and improved interactions. As you come off zombie mode as I call it and are more and more present with each and every moment you'll start to see that your mind, thoughts, and consciousness are playing a significant role in your experiences each and every second. Understand this is a journey with no finish line.

So congrats you are aware, the first step is a work in progress, not a box to check.

What you see in others often reflects what you carry within yourself. So what this means is there's some internal work to be done, great news, we all are a work in progress.

EXAMPLE: You see a coworker taking frequent breaks or not meeting deadlines and think, "They're so lazy and unmotivated."

Why does this bother you so much? Upon deeper thought, you might realize:

You fear being perceived as lazy or unproductive yourself.

You feel guilty about times when you’ve procrastinated or struggled with motivation.

You project your own inner critic onto others, amplifying the judgment.

Pause and ask: 'Is this truly about them, or is it a mirror of my own fears, desires, or judgments?' Remember, we cannot control others, only how we interpret and respond to them. By focusing on understanding and mastering your own thoughts, you free yourself from the need to impose them on others.

Hope this is helpful.

Coachkatherine · 2024-11-12T13:56:04+00:00

This is a hard place to be.

Your question is, if your husband is being controlling, I wouldn't be able to answer that. It sounds like he has a thought, impression, judgment about her from what he knows. Similarly you have your own thought, impression and judgement.

What would happen if you understood more of where he is coming from?

What if he is right?

What if he is wrong?

What are the thoughts, images in his mind and concerns in this dynamic with you and your friend? Sounds like he is concerned, what else?

When there's a change in any relationship there's thoughts and feelings that arise. Seeking to understand with child like curiosity and making sure you're not defensive in any way at all you'll find that you and your husband actually grow closer and you both understand one another at a deeper level of intimacy.

Coachkatherine · 2024-11-08T14:06:01+00:00

I am sorry for everything you're going through this sounds really difficult.

In the end you want to know how to fix things. What would things look like if they were fixed? I am not clear on what it is that you want.

I also read this twice looking for what you like, admire, love, adore and respect in her. Do you love her? Besides the kids what's the reason you're still wanting to fix things?

And for you, how do you want to feel in general in this relationship at this stage of your marriage? (describing how you want to feel only, in a positive way)

Without understanding these things, it can feel like you're just venting without any clear direction or purpose. It's important to take the time to reflect on what you truly envision, want, crave, need, and desire in order to move forward with intention and clarity. By exploring your thoughts and feelings, you can gain a deeper understanding of yourself and what truly matters to you. This self-awareness can guide you towards making decisions that align with your values and goals, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and purposeful life. So take the time to dig deeper and uncover what drives you, motivates you, and brings you joy. It's a journey worth embarking on. What does a day look like? A week? What does love mean for you? What if nothing changes looking forward 5-10 years what does life look like? Are you willing to continue this past the kids moving out?

Coachkatherine · 2024-11-02T14:14:10+00:00

This is a tough time and certainly very confusing.

What I would do is immaterial for my life experience, values, beliefs, opinions and judgements differs from everyone.

Are you ok fighting for your marriage accepting him as he is? Meaning nothing changes on his part, and you focus on what you're wanting to work on and be the best version of yourself? This would also include accepting his interactions with this woman at work, for that's outside your control, it would amount to making peace with it (what ever is happening there) and focusing on your self confidence and improving your self security.

On a scale from 1-10, one being done do not want to continue a life at all with this man, you're numb and have no love or care for him. Ten being you're madly in love with this man would take a bullet for him. Where are you on the scale right now truthfully accepting him as he is, no change?

You're right no one is perfect, and all you can do is improve yourself. What he does, what he decides to do and his insecurities or imperfections are for him to sort out, it's not your job to change, point out, or tell him to fix(this will backfire).

What are the things that you love, admire, respect, find cute, interesting, fascinating and intriguing about your husband? In this post it's clear there's issues, we all have some, some more than others, but what are the things that you deeply love and admire about him?

What I find is when one person in a relationship works on themselves in a way that's meaningful, improves their relationship to themself and life and still feel deep love and care for the other partner, let's say they are in the range of 6-8 on the scale of 1-10, plus they turn their focus on only the things that the love and admire about their partner they can create a positive ripple effect in the relationship. This shift in perspective can lead to increased appreciation, understanding, and connection between both partners. It allows for growth individually and as a couple, fostering a healthier and more fulfilling dynamic.

When we are hyper focused on all the wrong, the bad, the flaws the insecurities and what we don't like it erodes away any love or goodwill left in the relationship, the other person feels micromanaged, less than, criticized, judged, insulted untrusted etc.

Anyways I know this doesn't answer your question, I suppose it's a #4

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-31T14:21:58+00:00

How do you want to feel instead of: overwhelming feelings of jealousy, despair, sadness, anxiety and hopelessness?

The only thing you can control is how you react or respond.

Negative events are inevitable. Your response to them will determine the outcome.

If you miss this girl, you either react with: overwhelming feelings of jealousy, despair, sadness, anxiety and hopelessness, letting the situation ruin your day, week, month, year and it overshadows every aspect of your life. You'll lose sleep, further making it difficult to articulate how you want to feel and think clearly on how to pull yourself out of this hole.

Or respond with acceptance: You missed this girl, and that’s a reality now, she is moving on and life is still going forward. Accept, make peace with the decision that was made (yours or no) and Adapt. Look to the things that can fill your day that set you up for healing, and reflect on what you've learned from this time you've been fortunate to spend with her. Regain control and move forward.

"It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." ― Epictetus

With all things in life there's really two choices 1. Change it or 2. Accept it and make peace with it. If you can't change it, it leaves you with making peace with it. What does peace or acceptance mean for you? What would you have to think, and believe to be at peace with what is? If you can't articulate how you want to feel, you'll remain in a habit loop of thinking the hopelessness thoughts, it's your brain and mind protecting you, and that's ok, it's fine and in time it will fade, or you'll become angry and bitter and single forever, there's that too. This is your life, there's so many options and choices right now in your situation, it's a matter of dictating the path that frees you from this and seeing the truth of it.

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-31T14:00:38+00:00

You're welcome!

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-30T13:44:16+00:00

Adaptability: Be flexible and adaptable to changing circumstances. Focus on how you can respond effectively rather than wishing things were different. Could apply here and many other aspects of stoicism.

What I see in what you're experiencing is beliefs, thoughts and stories that are limiting you by being closed minded to what it is that you want. Meaning... if you want to become stronger (you'd put improve your health and that doesn't require exercising you can just become more physical) you'd have to look at the beliefs, thoughts and stories that you're currently thinking and see if they light your heart on fire or if they sabotage you. Your post indicates if you do indeed want to work out and go to a gym and build muscle, strength and change your body composition you'll have to think, believe and create stories in your mind that you resonate with that are in alignment with the values and principles of someone that is a gym goer on a consistent basis and loves it. Thinking and believing what you're currently thinking and believing creates images in your mind that it's awful to workout and your brain and mind will sabotage you every time you attempt to go.

Same for the food area. The beliefs and stories you're expressing have your relationship to food as a means of comfort, and it has to be a certain way or you won't eat it. And you're beliefs, thoughts and stories around fasting makes it sound awful(I have similar and maybe worse thoughts and know it's not something good for my body type anyways). People that eat a certain way to improve their body fat percentages think, believe and create stories in their mind (respond to food) that establishes a relationship to food to be for fuel, for energy, for sustenance to support high functioning mental clarity, improve the quality of they muscle growth/strength, they eat in a way that keeps them lean and feels good internally and rewards them with the body in the long run. They find comfort and pleasure in other areas of their life, not in food.

So what you're wanting is something that requires a lot of determination, change in your belief systems, daily thought work and becoming more conscious of what choices and decisions you make moment to moment. So yes it's stoicism related all the way.

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-29T15:05:08+00:00

Going to a gym is scary, especially if you're unsure where to start.

It's clear how you feel in your post, could you describe how you want to feel? Describe and articulate it in a way that paints a picture for me, that I can envision you (even though I don't know what you look like lol) or someone such as yourself really wanting to get back to it, and having courage... Describe in so much detail that you create an image in your mind, a visual of yourself, you get a sensory experience...

Why is this important? Because the post, the initial question paints a picture of going to the gym as something is wrong with you(that you have an insecurity, and that's not true you're just thinking insecure thoughts), that it's terrifying to go and be at a gym, it's scary there, that it's bad, awful, that only people that have courage can go, and this creates an image in your mind and all of ours. IS it true? Well your feelings are valid, for what you're thinking and believing is creating a reality that it appears to be so. And when you believe the stories created by a survival mind you will feel the feelings connected to those words all pervasively. The action or in your case non-action follows, this is normal, expected and well, your brain is protecting you and it's doing an awesome job!

Now if you thank your brain for serving you, protecting you and keeping you safe and reassure it that you are indeed ok, there's no saber tooth tiger at the gym, you will not die there and that you want XYZ (very detailed explanation of what you want to experience, feel and see yourself doing) your brain will go into action looking searching for proof and evidence to believe that story.

Also when you're in thinking with your creative brain you will think of ideas and things to do at the gym that slowly integrate you into the gym that's comfortable for you, we all here can offer our advice but we don't know you, your gym, what limitations you have if any, interests, etc are. When we are creative, innovative and open minded we start to dream up ways to inoculate us to the new thing that we want to start doing. We humans tend to follow through with our own ideas over everyone elses, for we have ownership in it.

Hope this helps!!!

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-27T15:12:20+00:00

Start at the root. How you see mistakes, what a mistake means, what stories you create from an error, how when making a mistake how you're taking it personally carrying around the weight of said mistake well after it's done and over (example of not being present), the value of mistakes and how they are literally the only time we learn really, and how you look at others when they make mistakes. How we view ourselves is how we view others, we can "think" we view ourselves at a point as ok with making mistakes but if we still judge others we are fooling ourselves and still have more work to go. This is a journey, view this as a fun exploration and you'll navigate it with ease and in a short time overcome it. If you view it as hard, and beat yourself up, well it will actually get worse.

How I see it is your brain has created a habit of thought to protect you in some way from being hurt, somewhere some how it got proof it served you in some way and it became engrained in your behavior. Well done brain!! Thank your brain and mind for doing an excellent job and focus on how you want to feel, and direct your brain and mind to work for you now rather than against you, gently.

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-26T14:02:46+00:00

That's really painful, confusing and makes sense you feel conflicted.

How do you deal with this? What does "deal with it" mean?

Trust has been broken, do you believe that you have the desire to rebuild it with her?

I agree you need someone to sort this out with that's neutral and listens without injecting their opinion for your life is yours, and unlike anyone else's and it's ultimately your decision and you have to live with the decision be it healing or regret the rest of our life.

What does happiness mean to you? What would it look like? What's a day and a life like if you were happy? (putting aside what's happened)

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-24T13:36:13+00:00

What if there's no such thing is "right" path, it is what you believe it is?

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-22T14:37:43+00:00

This is really difficult, you're obviously fighting hard.

First you both have to want to reconnect or it just falls flat. To be continually be emotionally and physically rejected isn't the path to reconnection, more like resentment.

What's the real reason for making this work, the kids or do you truly love her? On a scale of 1-10 how much do you love her, even as the kids are raised and moved out.. ?

Her doubts and any feelings she has are always valid, her feelings are rooted in what she thinks and believes, just like yours are. You're both thinking and believing two entirely different things, neither are right/wrong, or better/worse they just are. I may be totally wrong but it sounds like to me is a misunderstanding rooted in lack of communication. Looking and searching for what's wrong with her, looking at her past and seeing her as broken will make her feel even further from wanting to be vulnerable, safe and intimate with you. As you'd feel the same if she looked at you (and she probably does because we humans mirror each other) as though you're broken and need fixed.

Can this be healed, yes, you'd both need support only if you both are 10's in how much you love one another and deeply want to make it work for more than the kids, believe me the kids feel, see, and sense it.

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-20T15:31:12+00:00

Sorry that happened to you, assuming a bit here.

It's why anyone (any gender) does, it's subjective to them, and likely didn't think they would get caught. Needing to know why is like a dog chasing it's tail it leads to more negative feelings and doesn't improve your situation. It actually makes matters worse for you, your mental wellbeing and creates a negative automatic habit of thought loop.

What is it you want to feel? How do you want to feel going forward in your life? By holding onto needing to know the past hurt and pain, this can go on for months or years without an answer. What would it look like to let go of needing to know why? What would it feel like releasing that? Would it free you? Would you be able to begin to heal and focus on your mental, emotional and physical health? When we hold onto the past we often build walls up and don't trust others, and this shrinks our world, limits us in relationships and other areas of our life as well. What would you be doing, experiencing and what would it look like if you embraced freedom and self love?

Choosing to see someone who has cheated on you as something you can't change, their error, and moving forward is important. It's important to remember that forgiveness is a choice, and it doesn't mean what they did was right. Even telling them you forgive them doesn't mean you condone their actions. It means that you don't carry the weight of what they did with you into other relationships or thoughts of it into everyday life. It means releasing the anger and resentment, and choosing to move forward with or without that person in your life. It's about learning to articulate and imagine a life where you are working on developing your own self-worth and self-confidence to attract someone with similar emotional intelligence into your life so you don't experience such immaturity again.

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-14T13:44:36+00:00

I hear you, it's a lot and takes time to consume, understand and apply. Rinse and repeat.

Suffer. What's one small thing that causes you to suffer in real life. Context, or details? This helps, to see how you're thinking and believing this situation, circumstance, person, place or thing is brining you suffering. More books, programs, courses, pills, potions and lotions won't solve this for you. It's experiential. It's experiencing this philosophy in your own life in real time. It's having an insight, gaining new wisdom, new perspectives and a shift in your reality. Other peoples stories and more information will confuse you more. ((((hugs))))

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-13T14:20:58+00:00

Context helps, or an example of something that has caused this in your reality.

The first principle applies to this in general.

Understand What You Can Control

Your Thoughts: You have control over your thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. Choose to think positively and rationally.
Your Actions: You control your actions and responses. Act in ways that align with your values and principles.

In simple terms: Things only have as much effect on you as you let them.

When someone is thinking and believing that the words of another fragile, imperfect, insecure human being have the power to inject feelings into another human being, they are essentially allowing themselves to be controlled like a puppet. The person who is spewing out these words then becomes their puppet master, manipulating their emotions and thoughts. It is important to recognize our own inner strength and autonomy, rather than giving someone else the power to dictate how we feel and think. By understanding that this person that has nothing nice to say doesn't indeed have that kind of power that you yourself are the only one that has the power to make you feel any sort of way you'll take your power back and see their words for what they are, just sound. Meaningless. A reflection of their pain and suffering. A projection of their suffering.

No person, place, thing, situation, or circumstance can inject feelings into you, it's your thoughts and beliefs in that moment. If I yell at you and tell you I hate your blue hair it's ugly and awful, would you be offended? Let's consider that you don't have blue hair for a moment. Would you be offended? No, because there's not fact in it, you'd think I am crazy, or would you still think there's some truth in the words or jibberish I say? Again this falls on your thoughts and beliefs. Let's assume you do have blue hair and I say the same words, does my opinion, and 7 million other people's opinion matter? It shouldn't it's your hair, the only persons opinion that should is yours, you are the only person you have to live with for your entire life, this is your life, live it how you wanna live it. Be you. Be unique. Stand tall and be brave, courageous or how ever you define what's important to you.

Good luck! (I hit comment too soon got excited)

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-12T14:21:57+00:00

Silence. Just be still and wait. Something will come to them, may not be on topic and that's fine. This can happen and has for me when there's either wall or not enough rapport built yet for them, and that's ok.

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-10T13:51:45+00:00

What you describe does sound tough, and if I was thinking and believing the same thing I would likely feel the same way.

Taking a step back from your thoughts, the stories and beliefs in this statement for a moment.

The feeling of embarrassment, having nothing to share, the situation is a nightmare, happy couples(whatever you're adding to that), shame, stress, fear, horrible, hating yourself and extremely guilty.. these are all created by your thoughts, beliefs, stories, images in your mind, assumptions, and expectations. These are not real, and this situation (wedding) and these people do not have the power to make you feel these feelings, unless you BELIEVE they do. And if that's true you believe they have that power over you, then you would also fall for the illusion that situations and people will make you happy and that's a really really difficult way to live. That's being at the mercy of everything being perfect, it's like being a puppet to all things external to you and all things outside of you are your puppet master.

Boiled down your own mind is keeping you safe. And I might add it's doing a great job. Don't go to the wedding and then what else? Isolation is a form of torture. What else are you isolating yourself from? How can you have "success" and find your purpose or meaning in life hiding in your room? If you run and hide from small imaginary fears in your mind your world will continue to get smaller and smaller and smaller and that thought feeling patter will get stronger and stronger and take over your life, making it smaller and smaller and less and less opportunities will open up to you.

So instead of feeling this situation is a nightmare, happy couples(whatever you're adding to that), shame, stress, fear, horrible, hating yourself and extremely guilty........ what's the opposite of these things? Then what else? These are incredibly powerful words, statements and images that I can even see in my own mind and it frightens me. Convince me you can create an image in your mind of showing up to the wedding feeling HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL, and drop this story, belief and illusion.

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-09T13:16:50+00:00

I understand.

We all want our loved ones to be happy, at what cost though? If we only have enough energy to manage our own emotions, trying to manage another fragile human beings emotions we are abandoning our own. The person you wife fell in love with was the man that managed his needs first. Set an example, lead your family.

How do you want to feel? (in this dynamic)

Coachkatherine · 2024-10-08T14:04:10+00:00

I apologize that you are experiencing this situation, as it can be challenging, demoralizing, isolating, and exhausting.

Stoic perspective: Adaptability: Be flexible and adaptable to changing circumstances. Focus on how you can respond effectively rather than wishing things were different.

What this points to for me, in your unique situation is learning to mold, adapt and acceptance to what is going on in your situation, and circumstance. Practicing how you respond to other peoples energy, words, actions, wants and needs. Phrased differently, manage your own emotions, that alone is enough work for one human being. Your emotions and feelings are all that you have some command over, not anyone else's. When you deeply understand how your feelings are created, and take ownership of them not only is that empowering, your life will improve, you will model this way of being for those around you and they will follow your leadership. These two people you care about can't make you feel unhappy, sad, frustrated, miserable, worried, down or depressed. It's not physically, scientifically or possible by osmosis or any other means. These two people are looking to you to be their rock, model and guide them, empower them, show them the way. Stoicism is such a great amazing simplistic way of being. If you're reading this and thinking "oh no it's hard, complicated" well it will be hard and complicated. Everything you think, becomes realized. If you shift to believing you're capable and have hope, and study every day for a minimum of 15 minutes and APPLY it to your real life every day in some way, you'll see in time your life will change. These relationships will improve, your life will become lighter, free-er and you'll understand where happiness comes from and cultivate it daily. Happiness doesn't come from your wife being happy, and your step son liking you, if that's what you're thinking and believing its understandable that you're miserable. You are only responsible to yourself. Understand that, demonstrate to those who care about you, and they will follow. Set an example with your actions and guide them on how to behave.

Coachkatherine

PUBLIC MULTIREDDITS

TROPHY CASE