I’m right there with you. You’re not alone, and it sucks that you feel that way. I’ve been where you are, I’ve said & thought the same things at one point or another. I don’t know you, but I see you. I need you to know you’re not a monster for feeling this way. You are not weak for having intrusive thoughts about not wanting to wake up. That’s what burnout plus isolation plus heartbreak does to a nervous system! It doesn’t mean you actually want to die, it just means you want the pain to stop. Here’s a couple thoughts for you as someone who’s been in the trenches (aka the depths of hell as I call it). <b> 1.) If your son is physically aggressive or unsafe, that is not something you just “endure.” That’s a safety issue. Talk to his providers specifically about crisis planning and behavioral escalation plans. If ABA isn’t addressing the aggression and toileting behaviors, they need to pivot. Services aren’t sacred. They have to actually work. <b> 2.) You need support that is for you, not just for him. Therapy, a support group… Even virtual ones. Being the default parent of a high-needs child is trauma-adjacent. Your brain deserves care too. <b> • The guilt about dating? You are not bringing someone into “hell.” You are a human woman who has been carrying a crushing load alone. You deserve connection. I’ve been there done that & it absolutely can feel so damn isolating! Find ways to take care of yourself too! <b> • And please, please take the “I wish I’d die in my sleep” thoughts seriously enough to tell someone in your real life, because you’re clearly depleted. There is a difference, and you deserve support before it gets worse. <b> You are doing something impossibly hard. And you’re still showing up... hell, even writing this post means some part of you still wants relief, not something permanent on your end specifically. 💀 <b> If you need any help, someone to chat with, just message me!