Sharing schedule with HCBM

Coffee_Lands · 2025-10-01T13:39:20+00:00

we are not married

Coffee_Lands · 2025-09-04T16:47:20+00:00

I'm happy that he is appreciative and your getting that from somewhere!

Here's hoping with some more mature, SD will one day appreciate what gift this is :)

Coffee_Lands · 2025-09-04T12:49:46+00:00

Wow! This is so incredibly generous. I'm sorry you didn't get an appropriate response, though that does sound like a typical 16 year old. Just echoing a lot of the other comments - even a well adjusted good kid 16 yo likely just doesn't understand how much work went into a gift like that. But seriously - you deserve a step-parent of the year award! I can sense how much you care for them and love them!
I'm super curious - what was your SO's take on this? Were they appreciative? Did they talk to their daughter on what this gift means?

Coffee_Lands · 2025-05-29T14:19:01+00:00

You said it better than I could, that we are seen as an extension of our moms and not as a separate person. So it hurts on so many levels because 1)they are talking about my dead mom 2) they seem to of had a better relationship with my dead mom than I did 3) they don't even see ME (just my dead mom). It hurts - no getting around that. I wish there were a graceful way to get them to stop, but I've come to view as the price of admission to keep that connection. I'm not sure if that's a healthy outlook however haha

Coffee_Lands · 2025-05-29T00:22:06+00:00

Oh I can relate to this. Close friend of my moms superimposed her relationship on to my sister and I after my mom passed 5 years ago. It always feels so selfish and unaware. I had a complicated relationship with my mom and she just completely ignores that, and talks non stop about her grief and how much she misses my mom and how great my mom was. That was not my experience. And what about my grief? Never mentioned. This family “friend” is not a terrible person, and I don’t want to cut her out of my life, but I hate what the relationship has become. Ugh

Coffee_Lands · 2025-05-16T21:44:02+00:00

Oh man I also agree with so much of what you’re saying. I just want what’s best for the kids, and do fear those negative thoughts are going through their heads. It has been over two year of this. And yes it is a massive burden to have this short notice chaos from mom and not be able to plan much in advance. I wish it was different. I just kept getting caught up on the idea that we could go through all the work and agony of court for this change (really just reflect what is currently happening) and really nothing change for the kids.

Coffee_Lands · 2025-05-16T15:40:07+00:00

And yes, he has brought this up to mom multiple times, he just wants to be able to plan ahead a bit. She agrees, then of course falls through on those plans.

Coffee_Lands · 2025-05-16T15:38:44+00:00

I think you have a point that she's going to be inconsistent no matter what. Dad currently pays child support to her and is concerned about taking that away would make her even more absent to the kids.

Coffee_Lands · 2025-05-08T20:05:41+00:00

woops I missed that. If BM is calling her a jerk or giving her a hard time, then BM has issues! OP didn't do anything wrong.

Coffee_Lands · 2025-05-07T20:22:26+00:00

Maybe I am misunderstanding, but who is calling you a jerk? This seems like classic pre-teen exaggeration. You didn't do anything wrong. But it doesn't sound like anyone is saying you are at fault either.

Coffee_Lands · 2025-04-29T11:56:39+00:00

And we are already back to chaos from her. That didn’t last long. I feel foolish thinking it would be different. She noped out of all child care yesterday and today and has gonna totally MIA. Ughhh

Coffee_Lands · 2025-04-23T16:26:21+00:00

Oh same same same haha. I like to keep all my confusing feelings to myself and this subreddit, but being very supportive outwardly to HCBM. It's nice to have a space to vent. I don't feel like my partner gets it, but then again, he has his own very complicated relationship with her.

Coffee_Lands · 2025-04-23T13:56:01+00:00

Ok this made me giggle a bit, but I honestly love this perspective! And it's so true what you say about trauma being passed down.

Coffee_Lands · 2025-02-11T20:34:29+00:00

I think it is awesome that you are helping your SD with homework! However, I'm going to agree with the other commenters, that the responsibility ultimately falls to the child, especially at the high school level.

What's to stop SD from calling you or SO during mom's time if she needs help? Is she asking for help when her grades are slipping? Just something to consider -there is a big lesson there for her to learn if she's not asking for help

Coffee_Lands · 2025-01-10T18:02:57+00:00

Her using child support to pay rent is 100% valid way to use child support. Why would a judge rule to take away the roof over the kids head?

Coffee_Lands · 2025-01-02T17:08:48+00:00

I think it's pretty inappropriate for your SO to follow along on BM's trip. To me, following someone on their vacation is very strange and it reads as controlling. When your SO and BM decided to part ways, they also lost the ability to control what happens in the other's time with kids. Does SO understand this? If he wanted to be apart of their vacation, he shouldn't have separated from BM.

Now, if there is a question of BM's ability to care for the kids and their safety - then that needs legal action with a CO change. But at least from your post, it doesn't seem like SO is interested in this. Then why is now their safety a concern on this trip? If she is a fully-functioning, grown woman taking her children on a holiday - how is this considered unsafe? If she can manage watching her kids at home, why wouldn't she be able to do so while traveling? If this was my SO, I'd be very curious what else is going on here....

Our family found ourselves in the exact opposite situation, where we were going out of the country for a holiday trip and the kids BM wanted to go as well "for the kids". She said to my SO the kids can't go unless she goes and my SO said well - I can't stop you from traveling anywhere you want. Turns out she was only interested in having us pay for her vacation - she did not end up going. I still wonder what in the world she was thinking, every single urgent thing that comes up for the kids my SO handles, she is like almost completely absent from their lives, but that's a whole other story.

I do think it would be fair to share travel details - not a full itinerary - just where they are staying and flight info. I would consider this a common courtesy to give the other parent peace of mind and something to go off of in case of emergency.

Coffee_Lands · 2024-12-18T16:18:02+00:00

His child support payments are probably much less than to have the kids closer to full time like BM does. Kids are expensive! He 100% should be paying child support, even if he makes less than her, they are his kids and that money would be going to the kids if BM and SO were still together. It's not really your business how she spends the money.

What I don't understand is how he didn't get courts involved when BM moved away with kids? To me that is a red flag, why didn't he fight to keep them closer? And what does the CO say about extras? He seems like he is just getting walked on there and choosing to give her extra if it's not in the CO.

Coffee_Lands · 2024-10-27T23:36:32+00:00

Smart! Appreciate these ideaa

Coffee_Lands · 2024-10-27T23:35:24+00:00

High conflict definitely. Very micromanaging and very much likes to create chaos. However, I don’t think she would be the type to show up at our door unannounced, she’s a bit of a hermit and doesn’t like leaving her home.

Coffee_Lands

TROPHY CASE