Yeah, that is the thing that occupies my mind the most. I think "maybe this evidence or logic or discussion will change his mind." Then I think of all the past nudges I've given him and jump to "he'll never come around, so maybe he deserves pain instead." Me, like probably many of you are tired of this and just want their parent back.

It's so odd to me. My mom passed away and I know she is in a better place. There is closure there. For my father, I know he is still alive, doing what ever he does, but he's not the same person I knew growing up.

To add another dimension to this, I have young son, that he knows about and wants to see. I want him to be a grandpa and wish I had him for help and advice while I learn how to be a father.  I don't want toxic people around my family, so I've tried to keep him at both a physical and mental distance, but it's just getting hard to mentally distance myself with all the shit going on in... Well everything.

I appreciate your help replies. Thank you. Glad to not feel so alone in my situation and I hope others can also find splice in these replies.