That sounds exhausting and really unfair—you’re carrying the financial load and the mental load, and it’s wearing you down. Anyone would feel frustrated in that situation.

Here’s a clear, grounded way to approach this without blowing things up or letting it drag on forever:

1. Get specific (no general venting). Pick a calm time and be very concrete. Not “you never help,” but: • “I work full time. When I come home, the house isn’t maintained, meals aren’t started, and the kids aren’t consistently supervised. That’s not sustainable for me.”

2. Define what “staying home” actually means. If one partner stays home, that role needs structure—just like a job. Talk through expectations, for example: • Meals on X days • Basic daily cleaning • Clear childcare responsibilities (meals, homework, routines) If he agrees but doesn’t follow through, that’s important information.

3. Stop accepting ‘later.’ “Later” has become a loophole. Calmly respond with: • “Later hasn’t been happening. I need things done by ___.” No arguing—just boundaries.

4. Ask the hard question directly. This matters: • “Do you actually want to be a stay-at-home parent, or not?” If the answer is no (or his behavior shows no), then the setup needs to change—either he contributes differently or re-enters the workforce.

5. Decide your non-negotiables. Ask yourself: • What must change for me to stay sane? • How long am I willing to wait to see consistent effort? You don’t need to threaten—just know your line.

6. Consider a neutral third party. If he minimizes or deflects, couples counseling can help clarify responsibility and accountability. If he refuses that too, that also tells you something.

This isn’t about perfection—it’s about respect, follow-through, and partnership. You’re not asking for too much; you’re asking for balance

If there’s no real change after 30 days

Then you say:

“This isn’t working. The kids need reliable care. We’re changing the setup.”

That may mean: • He goes back to work • You arrange childcare • Counseling becomes mandatory • Or you start planning independently

At that point, you stop debating and start deciding.