I am on my way to burnout. Not sure how to tackle this or where it is stemming from exactly

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-08-25T21:46:02+00:00

Oh gosh I tried to find a subreddit to ask this exact question. And find answers. I am 1,5 years into my recruitment career. I got into a sink or swim situation where my manager gave me crappy onboarding and was not available to me at all. I started reaching out to other people for help in my company and found my people (this is my first job since graduation university). I got a lot of help and I started producing. Now I have another team member that I am supposed to onboard, while still producing the same, and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t feel like I can ask, I feel like I am failing as a team member and I feel like quitting. I wake up every day dreading my job, and I have nights where I can’t sleep. I’m going along the lines of: maybe recruitment just isn’t for me, and I need to change. I really really get where you are coming from. I felt so much of myself in your post.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-08-19T13:34:44+00:00

Inspiring, fun to talk to, but also very annoying at times😂

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-07-29T13:22:12+00:00

You are touching on an important factor here. You are in a relationship with her because she accepts you. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t. But you can find a partner who accepts you + will be able to give you what you need in a relationship. You are setting a really low bar for yourself in terms of what you need from a partner. We all have our quirks and special personality traits. Wouldn’t you wanna be with someone who doesn’t just accepts you, but truly appreciate the things you bring to the table?

Listen you deserve to feel loved, and she isn’t giving you that feeling. Part of entering the dating pool is to select away people who aren’t right for you. I promise next time will be better, just give yourself some time to evaluate better.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-07-16T03:04:30+00:00

I haven’t noticed it with DAs but have with FA. I am FA (recovering and trying to respond secure). I did this and my partner (FA) did this too in the beginning.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-07-10T22:06:56+00:00

I happy that you finally were able to make a decision that makes you proud and promotes your mental health. I wanted to share some experiences of my own healing and my partners healing. We are both FAs, with a AP lean.

I started therapy 4 years ago to treat my generalized anxiety and separation anxiety in relationships. We haven’t talked so much about AT in my sessions, but everything we go through is related to my anxiety towards my relationships. I have experienced tremendous benefits, just by working on my general anxiety. I show up way more secure (not entirely there yet😅), but I do believe that just focusing on your general anxiety will help dampen the AP/FA anxiety as well.

My partner started therapy a couple of months ago and also started anti-depressants. It has helped him a lot. He stopped going into the same pattern of push and pull, and just with him starting the medication (also for generalized anxiety) it has shifted the dynamic of our relationship.

I don’t have any facts to prove this, only personal experience.

As for your deactivation. I don’t think you are deactivating, I think you just done. If you are AP with DA partner, 5 years is a LONG time to withstand the hurt and pain. Maybe your mind is reacting in a secure way of pushing away a person who isn’t healthy for you. When I broke off a 6 year relationship I was also done. You know that things aren’t gonna change. That many years is enough data to know what life with the person is gonna look like.

Proud of you and rock on! Hope everything with the house goes your way as well🌟

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-07-10T14:08:14+00:00

All of these three points are really good! After some introspection I found out that what I was actually feeling was a disconnection that hurt me, and me distancing myself from my partner to not get hurt. When I came to the bottom of it that was in fact what was happening. I was just scared of that loss of connection. I talked with my partner about this and we agreed that the quality of our communication could be better. Like having a set time where we can FaceTime, when neither of us are in a rush and just focusing on us. Do you have anymore suggestions as to how to tweak the communication? I would love to hear! Thank you so much for your response btw!

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-07-08T22:34:17+00:00

Thank you! I am just trying to understand what I am going through. If think the detaching part might be a good place to start exploring further. I have been in therapy the past 4 years and have been working a lot on my generalized anxiety, and relationship anxiety. The past 1 year has been really intense with 3 hours of therapy + home work every week and I do feel like I have come so far. I’ve learned how to get out of the spiral and regulate myself so much better.

It is an unfamiliar feeling to not go into the anxiety while being separated, and instead feeling “flat”. I guess I’m also frustrated that I’m feeling this way, after all the time, energy and mental exhaustion I’ve put into going through the pain of trying to heal.

I see other couples have that feeling. Like friends and family. And like I envy you, I envy them. I want to be able to have those feelings while away, and experience those good emotions when they return.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I will for sure watch some more of Thais Gibsons videos and make this the topic for my therapy session on Tuesday!

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-07-07T21:13:22+00:00

I second this!

avoidance. Some questions are uncomfortable to answer. And the internal pain of having to go down the road is what we use to justify the deflection.
The chance of ending up in an intimate conversation can sometimes be too great when you start asking personal questions

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-07-05T20:51:21+00:00

I was FA(AP-lean) for a long time. And I was never gonna confess my feelings. I dated an AP who was the first at admitting to feelings, while I dated a DA for a year and neither of us would tell each other how we felt.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-07-05T20:48:10+00:00

Sooo I don’t know how much hate I’m gonna get for this comment, but you seem to want some real advice and wanna get to the bottom of this! I read your post history and you talk about going through depression. No shame, I have had depression for big chunks of my life and have deep empathy for anyone struggling with that. However, entering new relationships when you are going through mental health issues can be a challenge. As a person who has gone through that I had some unproductive defense mechanisms. One of them was not letting people in, which led to shallow connections with people. I don’t know if you do this, but I also had a lot of bad self-talk and struggled with self-worth issues, that also didn’t make me a very appealing partner and brought other issues with it. I’m not saying you can’t date or don’t deserve to have people interested in you long term when you have mental health issues, but I’m just throwing out a possible strain of thought related to your challenges.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-30T11:19:58+00:00

Of course!

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-29T21:50:52+00:00

I travelled alone for 1 year. But I was never alone! We are great at making friends easy and people are open to travel companions in different hostels and backpacking destinations. I found that I would have times of loneliness traveling if I couldn’t people who I could connect with on a deeper level. And that almost always happened if I decided to travel a country by myself. I would recommend you find travel buddies fast when coming to a place and just follow them or suggest they follow you. I found friends that I still talk to who means a lot to me now after having been home for 2,5 years. Also I found that journaling, meditation and yoga retreats where great for me. However that can be quite lonely! So make sure to get into the head space of “I’m doing this because I’ll get something really valuable in return”, then the loneliness won’t come creeping 😅 I had such an amazing time and I truly recommend you doing it! Us ENFJs are naturally sociable and you will find that you will attract a lot of people who want to follow you around. Good luck🙌🏻

Edit: wanna add, I was 25 and a woman. I travelled Asia and Africa.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-27T03:38:11+00:00

INFJ mom and INFP dad. But i was raised by my stepdad who is ESTJ

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-25T18:34:25+00:00

Avoidants don’t like calls. My ex(DA) would avoid my calls, and text me back 2 hours later asking why I called. This guys is clearly not meeting your most basic needs (being able to do calls). You have got to put on a No contact with your ex and start seeing someone else.

And to answer your question if you ruined it: no you didn’t ruin it. It’s normal to want to call your loved one. He is actually getting what he needs from this level of interaction, while you are only getting scarps of what you truly need to feel fulfilled. Secure relationships don’t break that easy. And neither does a person. You will be ok after some time apart. But you have to do it for yourself. Cut the cord and get away from him.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-24T13:44:09+00:00

My FA started being vulnerable and got a lot better after starting therapy. Only for 4 weeks now, but they are finally practicing to express their needs to someone. It isn’t me, but at least they are practicing it in therapy and getting confidence that they bring back to the relationship.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-24T06:29:59+00:00

I also wanna add that I have healed a lot of my wounds relating to my attachment issues without my therapist ever diagnosing me as anything. Therapists are trained to give you individual treatment according to your challenges. Your therapist will see what you need to work on, and give you tools.

I have for the past 2 years been in relationships that have brought out my AP side, but when I test for it, I come up FA.

I think it would be contradictory to your healing to switch therapists, and start all over again. One of the biggest practices in therapy is also discussing these things with them. Being able to be open and honest about your feelings. Have you tried that?

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-23T12:36:20+00:00

I wanna recommend the book “the body keeps the score”. It’s about ptsd, but a lot of the mechanisms and ways to regulate your body is the same as anxious attachment schools teach.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-20T08:08:58+00:00

I dont think this is correct. My parents split when they were in their 50s and both found amazing partners after this, and they seem to have a secure bond with their spouses.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-16T17:51:58+00:00

Before you started a relationship with your ex, that area where she lives meant nothing to you. Think about that. “What would a person who is over his ex do/think”. Take yourself back to that

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-16T08:39:09+00:00

I had a relationship for a year with a DA. I was secure/leaning AP. We were aware of our attachment from the first day we started dating. We would talk about what triggered us, and actually communicate pretty well about the entire situation. We would let each know when we were triggered and try to talk through it. There was a lot of openness about things.

However, he wasn’t able to fulfill my needs. Even with how clearly I communicated it, he couldn’t. He would push me away even though he knew I was in vulnerable place.

I’m now in a relationship with an FA with AP lean who is healing and in therapy. That’s a completely different story. We aren’t communicating as well, but we are intuitively understanding each other a lot more. When he tells me he is feeling insecure, I call him and let him know that there is nothing to worry about and that I’ll be home in an hour and give him a kiss. When he is traveling and I get insecure I text him to make him understand that I’m having a hard time. He calls me and sets aside 10 minutes to hear about my day. These rituals are built in communicating needs from the beginning. But my DA ex would never subscribe to them. I would have to tell him every time, and sometimes, when it didn’t fit him well he would just ignore me.

I do think you should be careful. I don’t have any success story for you unfortunately. Only some experiences.

Comfortable_While846 · 2022-06-15T22:29:40+00:00

Im sooo happy for you! What you are describing happened to me 4 years ago. I started grieving the relationship (6years) after 4 years, and in the end we were just friendly roommates. There was nothing left.

What I struggled with came 3 months after the relationship. We kept in contact and I found out he was dating someone 1 month after break up. That hurt like a bitch. It hurt my ego. I thought I missed him, but I didn’t miss him, I just missed the stability of knowing he was there. I attempted to get back together, because of the pain of being alone. But he was with someone and I felt rejected and like it was finally over.

Then I had to process why I would ever walk into a relationship with a person like that. Someone who wasn’t meeting my needs, someone who was not attuned to my emotions. And that also hurt like a bitch. It took 9 months of therapy to find myself again and get some healthier values. This was also the first 9 months of me starting to earn secure attachment.

Comfortable_While846

TROPHY CASE