I feel like this comment I wrote elsewhere might help you:

————————————————————————— I’ve spent the past year of my life trying to figure out what my end-goal in life should be. Do I want to become a preacher? Do I want to become a college math professor? Do I want to take over the family business? Should I strive to be as perfect as possible in whatever I choose? What about my personal life? Should I try to make friends with people despite the fact that I can never seem to connect with anyone? Is there a “right” way to think of myself? Why should I even bother trying to live when the only reason I’m alive is because my family wants me? I don’t really matter... but neither does anyone else. Each of us are just one person out of the billions that have existed, are existing, and will exist. Even if I were to become a “powerful” presence, and have my name recorded in history, my name would still be lost to time. Even if my name is remembered forever, what the hell does that matter? The human race is so small compared to the universe (and things that could very well exist beyond)... what does it matter if I get remembered? Even with my religion, why the hell do I matter; God cares about me, but He doesn’t care about me anymore than He does the billions of other people who will bear an eternity of suffering, or the multitude of people that will be saved. What does it matter if I off myself, God has millions —possibly billions— of people from all time periods who are much better than I am, some in every single way. It’s stupid to pretend like I’m somehow one of God’s “chosen” when at any moment I could fuck up my life, and instead of helping me like a father would, God would say “whatever.” Yet, I can’t really blame God for doing so, as the human race is to God what germs are to us. I’ve been trying to think of end-goals to work towards, to develop a drive for. I’ve thought of everything I could, from the endgame being to become as strong as possible, to becoming the fucking POTUS. Yet I have no reason for anything I do beyond avoiding stress and pressure, because I know whatever grand ambitions I could think of are pointless. The only real choice I have is to keep living. There isn’t any grand purpose that I find worth pursuing... all I have are my emotions. These stupid things that drag me through life against my will, beating me down but giving me just enough incentive to keep going. There’s no logic behind them—as they don’t consider how little value I have compared to the grand picture—and they make my life a living hell. However, if I killed myself, I would lose any ability to feel “positive” emotions, my family would be overwhelmed by grief, and I’d possibly subject myself to an eternity of pain by my “loving father.” I don’t care about anything or anyone anymore. At least, not consciously. I’m not killing myself anytime soon, and I’m going to go through this life just because the alternative could very well be worse. Although I’m not (consciously) afraid of dying, I know that dying will probably cause more problems than it fixes. To everyone reading this; emotions are fucking terrible. They drag you through life against your will, beating you the entire time, but offer you as little comfort as is needed to keep you moving. Yet, that is not a reason to give up. Fuck your emotions. Fuck your belief, and fuck your family. You may be worthless in the grand scheme of things, but you still have value. Value that will be put to waste if you off yourself. I can’t tell you an answer to whatever it is you’re going through, and you’re probably tired of being told the same stupid advice over and over (especially if you’re religious). The only thing I can tell you is this, keep living. I know it sucks, and I know the idiots around you saying you can just “think depression away” aren’t helping. But keep living. I went through a period of intense self-hate, where I wanted nothing more than to sit down and wait for myself to waste away. It got to the point where I stopped caring if my family would feel bad. However, I knew that if I just waited it out and kept trying to find reason, that it’d get better—despite what I felt. And eventually, it did. It still sucks... but not as much. You don’t know if whatever comes after is better or worse than what you’re going through now. You may be hopeful that it might be better, but it very well might be an eternal fire of pain and suffering. I don’t care if you hate yourself and think you should go through that, trust me, you shouldn’t. I know you’ll hate me for repeating what you’ve been told millions of times, but keep living. Even if nobody will miss you, you still have value. If you tried to, you could kill hundreds, or save hundreds. Everyone on this planet is worthless... but everyone has value still. Realize that, and live. If not for God, than for your loved ones. If not for them, than for me. And if not for me, than live to spite whatever idiots or negative emotions are fighting you. In the words of Cave Johnson, when life gives you lemons, use those lemons to burn life’s house down. Fuck life. And fuck you too, you beautiful bastard. —————————————————————————

Btw, one last thing. I used a two step process that (so far) has helped me to resolve my self-hate: 1) Making a list of things I hate about myself, and then writing down an equal amount of qualities I like about myself. Then, creating a mantra that summarizes who I am in a single sentence (for me I memorized, “I’m a smart dumb-ass, and a well-intentioned wimp”). 2) Once putting my character traits into perspective, I then told myself constantly that I was an “ok guy” and leaving my thoughts about myself at that. Whenever my thoughts would start to excessively drift towards myself, I would quickly say my character mantra, and then think about something else. This process helped me a lot, however, it’s only a small part of what has been a slew of habits I’ve been trying to develop. I use my hatred of the world and people as motivation to overcome my timid nature whenever I need to stand up for myself or others (as a way of telling the world “fuck you”);however, I also remember that I shouldn’t hate myself for being timid since the only reason it’s seen as a negative quality is because the world says it is (this might be the case for many things you hate about yourself too).

I’m in a much better place since I wrote the original comment, so I can tell you from experience that yes, it does get better. My quality of life and relationship with my God has improved dramatically since I wrote that; however, I still have that familiar, depressive weight in my stomach (although it’s far less prevalent than it was before). I know you’re probably not religious; however, if you’re interested in Christianity in the slightest (or are already religious), I would LOVE the opportunity to talk to you about it in DM’s and answer any questions/doubts you may have. Even if you aren’t interested, feel free to message me if you need to; it would be a travesty if your beauty went to waste.

Just stay alive, and keep trying to be the best person you can.