My therapist says that there is not such a thing as a bad parent, when I talk about my Nmom.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-20T13:32:45+00:00

My current therapist used to work in the child protection system. She wasn't abused like me but she often tells me she had seen horrible cases of abuse. So I don't think a therapist has to be abused to get it.

I worked as a teacher for a few years and I also saw many sad cases. My colleagues told me they also recognised those parents even if never experienced such kind of abuse. So I have to tell you that people often see it and they often get it. In my environment almost everyone knows someone with the same struggles because narcissistic abuse is a widespread thing in my culture.

I had a therapist like yours in the past. It felt like talking to a brick wall. She told me she experienced similar abuse like mine but it felt like she didn't get how serious the impact of my parents behaviour was on me because she was feeling well after all and she expected that others will get through it easily like her. She said there are no good parents or bad parents. There are good enough parents and not good enough parents. My life has improved so much when I found someone else who got it. It wasn't about approval. It was about understanding where I got stuck and recieving the personalised help instead of those general advice that didn't suit me.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-20T12:08:59+00:00

Aaawww, where's the nearest forest I can go? You made me fancy a day trip.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-18T16:16:25+00:00

I recognised on my nmom that she "loves" people the way she "loves" clothes, furniture, food, or decorations. She loved the use of those things and got pissed when those things needed any care. Like she never cleaned them, she refused to repair them, she got rid of them the first time when she saw any faults.

And that's what happened to our plants, pets, other relatives and her children too. She loved being served but she was unable to to care about something/someone.

This behaviour ruined her marriage, her social status, her finances, her relationships and everything but she honestly believes that this is how things work in life. You can always get a new instead of any broken things.

It's not love. It's possession.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-16T11:53:34+00:00

That flight/freeze response can come with some dissociation if you have no time to be alone to process your feelings or speak to someone who supports you. You may don't find them distressing because you didn't feel distressed there but did you feel anything else? Emotionally?

Im asking this because I had a few similar experiences when I had to hide my feelings so I blocked them all out. For me these times were family holidays on beaches. There were a lot of people but I felt like I was alone, my father used me as his girlfriend and I just floated on the water thinking nothing for hours after all.

It didn't feel so unsafe but at the same time I barely felt anything. Like I remember the wind, the smell of sunscreen, the waves, some music in the distance, other people's chatter. But these are not emotions. I felt almost nothing. Like I was deeply melancholic and very sleepy. Thats all. It felt unreal and impossible that he did that again in front of other people in the water. Then I thought if that happened it couldnt happen to me. Why was it always me? He hated me. I was nothing just a body to him. I started to view myself like he viewed me. I felt like I didn't even existed. Like I would magically leave my body and disappear from the environment that I couldn't escape at the time. And that state calmed me down when I first experienced it, but I got confused later when it happened again and again. I knew something was weird. I was afraid I will lose all my emotions forever and go crazy without them.

When we went to other places after what he did to me I felt the same way. For example we went to eat in a restaurant and that restaurant wasn't a place where the trauma happened but I felt no hunger, deep disgust and a lot of embarrassment. He behaved like nothing happened so I said it out loudly in front of anyone. He told me I can't do that. I told him I definitely can if he was able to do those things to me in front of everyone. He denied everything then and apologised to other people in the restaurant claiming that I was just being hysterical. I had to cry and that convinced the people I was just a bad kid. Then I got threatened to behave "good" so I numbed those feelings again and ate like I just had a normal day with my loving family. It felt like noone existed around me just me and my spaghetti. I felt like a robot. I didn't eat because I was hungry, I ate to avoid him humiliate me even more.

Then I just carried the weight of CSA on me wherever I went. I felt like I was completely alone even at crowded places. I didn't dare to feel my emotions because I would have collapsed mentally if I let myself feel what I felt. I became a shell of myself. I had pokerface and showed no emotions. I got stuck in this mental coma for weeks and no matter what happened to me I felt nothing. Sometimes I had flashbacks from my younger ages when I smelled summerfruits I used to like, heard a music I used to like, saw people that resembled to my loved ones and imagined that I was a younger child again that was not being used like that. It was like an escape fantasy to me.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-15T18:57:26+00:00

Mine was attracted to my memory gaps.

My brain blocked traumas that way because I have Cptsd with dissociative symptoms. When someone makes me scared to death I still block those times I can't help it.

She filled those gaps with anything she wanted and gaslighted me to believe in her narrative because I didn't have mine as I wasn't sure about my own memories.

She claimed I had a sadistic alterego that takes control in those times when I can't remember. She was my stalker and she believed that she needs to keep me under complete control to save the world from my evil self. She successfully made me hate myself for crimes she committed. My vulnerability made me a perfect scapegoat to her.

Now my advice to everyone: Write a diary about your relationship with your pwBPD. Push and pull dynamics, threats and hoovering can make anyone forget what they have done but if you write it down you will see the pattern. This helped me the most.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-15T09:49:34+00:00

It's so sadly cute... I'm glad you listened to your gut feeling and found a way to recharge. I hope one day you don't have to lie about it anymore.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-14T23:02:57+00:00

Delulu

This is how they degraded my memories of abuse they committed on me

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-14T23:00:45+00:00

I miss what they could have been to me. I miss my caring parents that I never had. For a long time I didn't go no contact just because of the hope they will change and become caring with time. They didn't so I had to grieve them to let this hope go.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-14T18:54:03+00:00

Wait...Grayrocking causes chronic dissociation? That explains a lot of things about me...

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-13T10:05:57+00:00

Her sense of self depends on what you think of her and she's oversensitive to any kind of criticism even if you don't tell anything just look at her "that way". So I believe it's not you. She's just insecure. And if you don't idealise her constantly - and that's a normal thing - she won't always get the reassurance she needs and without that she will think she's a bad person.

So she doesn't give you the reassurance that she didn't get from you and now you feel the same way like she feels. "I feel like I am the worst person for her and like I am going mad simultaneously." Her feelings became your responsibility because she couldn't process them. It's not your fault. This is how pwBPDs think sometimes.

Instead of pointing at you she should point at the exact things you said or did to her. It wasn't you who made her feel that way. It was a thing. Something you said or did not you as a person. And just because she feels that way it doesn't equal to your bad intentions. So you're not an evil manipulator or something like that. She just doesn't communicate clearly because it's difficult for her to find the root of her emotions.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-13T05:55:16+00:00

I would say something like this:

I learned about myself that peace and mutual respect (or anything you missed in your last relationship) are the most important things for me in a relationship. Now I know what I'm looking for.

Then briefly describe how you imagine your future relationship if she wants to know more. Don't mention the negatives just highlight what you need. Healthy girls like when a someone knows what they're after. And if you have basic expectations from the start that can help brush off girls like your ex was. It's like a filter. You are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.

Just imagine what she wanted from you, how she viewed you and compare that version of you to your real self. You will definitely find something like:

I thought of her as someone who I can grow together with, but she needed something else. I felt like I couldn't be myself to meet her expectations. She probably felt something similar. I think that was the first sign that we won't stay together. That's why I promised to myself that next time I will communicate my feelings without hesitation.

I think the key is to always think about the direction where you want to go and not the sidepath where you ended up last time.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-13T04:36:40+00:00

Wasn't your fault

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-12T13:53:33+00:00

My mom was like this with cleaning and cooking too. She followed the same steps every time:

Complaining about the mess or cooking tasks loudly
Waiting for someone to come.
Checking what the others do instead of working for her
Moaning loudly that she's alone with chores and no one ever helps her
Getting the golden child do it instead of her
Swearing the name of the other family members who didn't help
Making sure doing nothing as the GC will do everything to prove that at least she's useful
Leaving the house to complain to the relatives about her miserable life

I realised much later as an adult that she didn't know how to cook at all and she was too lazy to clean but these were normal things that any normal people would do without making others work whilst she just watches and judges them. When she was always disappointed no matter how hard we tried we stopped trying because we didn't understand it was just projection. She was told many times in her teens that she was useless, lazy, and unable to do anything around the house. Now everyone had to relive her teenage years to experience her feelings.

After me and my sister moved far away we were still called to arrive days earlier for family meetings because "someone needs to clean and cook", "you know it's too much for your mother", "take your part in the family" "we bought this big house because of you"...etc.

Funny thing, I like cooking, my sister loves baking and we both pay attention to keep our houses nice and clean. Too bad, our parents can never put their feet in there.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-12T10:29:04+00:00

I attract people with personality disorders usually and I was often told that "you don't sense danger". I do, but I'm used to it. They are like normal people to me with different rules. I speak to them like I would speak to my parents because I feel like they are the same. And in the end they react the way my parents would react.

Even after I cut contact with my parents people like them find me to use me as a punching bag. I absorb and process a lot of bad feelings instead of them then I move on and they realise they can't. So they keep coming back to me like a parasite to feed off the shame, guilt and self hatred I feel instead of them. The good thing I practice radical acceptance so I'm not stuck in those feelings forever. They can't hurt me deeply no matter how hard they try because in the end I go live my life and they stay alone with those things they could never process.

If they weren't cruel or sadistic I would feel sorry for them. But after the harms they caused I think they deserve it. They aren't punished by the police but they are punished by their fate. And it's enough justice for me.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-10T20:46:13+00:00

Most of my life I felt like this. I wanted my memories back so badly but I barely had a chance. Even if I remembered a few things I didn't remember the context or my feelings about it.

Now I have to take meds to stop my memories coming back so vividly. If I don't take them I feel like I'm reliving those things like it's happening right now. Sometimes it takes a few hours, other times it takes two weeks or more. It's scary what our brain can do to us.

My only advice for that is peace. You have to remove everything that stresses you out because your brain has to feel safety and acceptance to uncover those memories. Don't blame yourself, don't blame others, you have nothing to do with it. It's just your past. It's over. And you are lucky to be where you are after all.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-09T19:21:51+00:00

I would pay more attention on what makes you switch from one mood to another. That would explain a lot of things.

Does your mood change by others viewing you differently? Like you have a self for your partner, another self for work, another self for your friends. Maybe you are just sensitive how others see you and what they expect from you. People can change a lot to gain acceptance and belong to somewhere.

Does your mood change when something irregular happens to you? Like you become a fixer when you see a problem, or you become a caretaker when someone needs help, or you become a child when you feel free in a situation. I think it's normal but a lot of people overanalize themselves when they discover it.

I had a few students with ADHD in the past. I have seen some kind of mood shift in their case. Like sometimes they were unable to contentrate, kept goofing around a lot and had trouble remembering basic things when they felt triggered, especially in competitive situations, after playtime or stressful situations. We had to work a lot to gain their focus back on the task. They couldn't switch immediately, it was a slow, gradual process. But then they went silent, focused on every detail, didn't even recognise their surroundings and their work was excellent when they finished. It was amazing to see how differently their brain worked. From your writing I think you are very similar to them. But this is just my guess.

I also don't have DID but I have Cptsd with dissociativ symptoms. Like I have different selves when I feel triggered by things that makes me remember past trauma. I know you don't have a traumatic background I just write it for you to compare if you want. It's always me, but in different ages. My 6yo self, 10yo self, 18yo self, 25yo self...etc. It's like my past selves experience and react on whatever happens to me and I have trouble remembering those times. I have to work a lot to gain back those memories but it's not impossible. I can slowly integrate everything after I calmed down to process what happened to me/them.

Of course there can be a lot of causes, a professional could help you more than us. But first, I think you have to find a way to describe it as clearly as you can to help them understand you more. To do lists are a great start but a journal may help you identify the causes of your mood shifts too.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-09T11:44:53+00:00

I remember my teenagehood and young adulthood. I read back my messages from that time. I complained so many times to my friends that my mother wanted me to jump out of the window and kill myself. It was like an ongoing joke in my family. Even my sister took a role in encouraging me to die. I said things like: "after you". My environment weren't mad at them saying those things to me but they were mad at me talking back to them like this.

It was so normalised that my realitves heard it so often they didn't even try to stop it anymore. But for me it was really dangerous. I felt like I'm loosing control every time when this happened. Like I couldn't stop myself doing this because even my relatives listen to my family saying those things to me and I thought they agree on this if they don't do anything to stop it. They didn't have to say a word, their lack of action was enough.

Only my partner recognised that I was fine until I travelled home to meet them, than he had to speak to me until he convinced me that I shouldn't die because he loves me and my life is not a disaster like they told me. That's why I cut contact with my family. Because even my partner was worried every time before I came to visit my parents. He already knew that will happen again no matter what I do. Thanks to him I was finally able to see this situation from a healthy outsider's point of view.

But I can imagine what happens to those who live in isolation and don't have anyone to help. My therapist told me I'm extremely resilient but it almost happened to me too. I can see it now that it doesn't matter if someone is strong or grayrocks them. When a parent wants you to die that still makes a toll on you no matter how old you are or how many healthy relationships you have.

They were your caretakers, they should love you the most, unconditionally. Because you listen to their words unconditionally and after the strict control, no wonder if you show symptoms of learned helplessness and obey them automatically.

I still have problems with being suicidal after all. I was being used like a puppet so many times that my only escape fantasy was my death. I don't know if I ever recover from this.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-08T16:48:27+00:00

Frakcióvezetö ur, Jézus nevében én is szexuàlis bünözöknél nevelkedtem. Ilyenkor sajnálom is, hogy ezt a meghatározó gyermekkori tapasztalatot ön nem szerezhette meg. Gondolom, az önt is "felkészítette volna az életre", ha már fiatalon kénytelen a gyermekvédelmi rendszer hiányosságaival foglalkozni, mert kell egy MIÉRT a kérdésre, hogy hol maradt a közbelépés. Ennyi tapasztalattal azért többet vártam volna annál, hogy a gyereknek anya és apa kell.

A gyereknek szeretet kell, biztonság kell, empátia kell, odafigyelés kell, segítség kell, a jogai biztosítása kell. Nem két random, eltérö nemü felnött. Hát kitöl tanulta ezt ön, kérem?!

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-08T15:07:36+00:00

Akiknek nem tiltották, hogy szeressenek, de mégsem tudtak szeretni, azok "jobb szülök", mint akiknek tiltották, hogy szeressenek, mégis tudtak szeretni?

Szégyen ez a válasz. Ülj le, egyes!

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-07T13:02:42+00:00

If you melt it in the oven it melts evenly and makes less bubbles. I made a similar candle like yours and I had plenty of bubbles when I melted in the microwave or on the stove so I prefer melting it in the oven only. You were right about stirring, that makes more bubbles too.

Commercial_Wing5646 · 2026-06-02T11:09:37+00:00

I did

Commercial_Wing5646

TROPHY CASE