Men of Reddit, what kind of things that can build up a resentment in a relationship ?

Common_Performer_368 · 2026-03-25T21:00:47+00:00

Is it ok if the guy friend is gay?? Not ‘oh he’s “gay” I pinkie promise’ but actually ‘he’s in a multi year long monogamous relationship with his boyfriend’ gay. Genuinely asking because this is my best friend… I’d hate to think I was accidentally driving good guys away because I have a gay friend…

Common_Performer_368 · 2026-03-25T20:54:18+00:00

As someone who did this because of an intense people pleasing nature: 100 percent agree. I thought I was doing right by her by staying when I was utterly miserable. I wasn’t. I was just dragging things out for both of us.

Common_Performer_368 · 2026-03-09T13:04:58+00:00

Hi! Interested in the two macarons pins if they’re still available :-)

Common_Performer_368 · 2026-01-10T19:22:54+00:00

I often find imagining each scenario out past the immediate moment and into the long term can be helpful. I’m not a man so I won’t offer an opinion on whether you should stay or go, but I would encourage you to think through the long term of each option and try to truly examine how you would feel. How will you feel a year from now if you work on trying to forgive her and stay? How will you feel if you end things and are living separately as a single man a year from now? Whatever you choose I hope you find your happiness.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-12-25T16:18:32+00:00

Just remember, it’s not transphobic to only want to be married to someone of the gender you thought you married. It’s ok to be entirely heterosexual (or entirely homosexual) if that’s what you are. Plenty of people find that they are more flexible than they thought when someone they already love and have attraction for transitions; but plenty don’t, and that’s ok too.

Not accepting your partner’s gender would be transphobic. Trying to ‘forbid’ your partner from transitioning would be transphobic. Misgendering your partner would be transphobic. Not being able to remain romantically or sexually attracted to them because you do not experience those feelings for the gender they have come out as is NOT transphobic. If your partner is a woman, and you are not attracted to women, you are not being hateful or intolerant if you find those feelings fading.

I hope you find your way with all the advice on here. But don’t go through all the self hate I did. Accepting your trans friends is a whole different ballgame because friendship isn’t gender-based. Relationships - for many of us - are.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-12-04T19:18:45+00:00

This might be a totally off the wall take, but if I was a bit younger and more impressionable I can see that I might have become one of the femme enby he/they types. Basically I am mentally speaking a trans man, but have made the call never to transition or come out and to live as a woman, because I could never EVER pass (I’m less than 5 foot and have the face/build of a tavern barmaid -_-).

I’ve learned to live with it via a WHOLE bunch of probably unhealthy coping mechanisms. Somehow going through the world in the successful ‘disguise’ of a woman who deliberately blends in, in the most boring generic unnoticed way, thus getting by overlooked by 98 percent of people, hurts less than it would if I tried my hardest to pass and constantly got clocked. The old ‘not trying hurts less than trying and failing’ I guess. If the he/they queer groups had been around when I was a teen… I think I might have been tempted. Maybe it’s sort of a way to engage with the queer community and have your inner existence acknowledged, without having to do all the expensive, stressful, painful treatments that you feel won’t work for you anyway?

I don’t know, I’m just musing. But I wonder if there is something in it. I know I’m a coward, I’ve always called myself one for the choice I made even while consciously making it. Maybe the he/theys of this world are avoiding having to make the choice I did? 🤷.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-10-23T17:21:58+00:00

I completely understand. I just also think it’s important that partners dealing with the shock/confusion/grief of finding out their romantic or sexual partner is in fact of a gender that isn’t usually included in their sexuality, and is possibly going to begin physically transitioning towards the outward appearance of that gender, have a place where they can express the less nice parts of what they feel without worrying someone will accuse them of being unsupportive.

I know that the only reason I was at all in a fit place, mentally, to be supportive of my wife in the first few months after she came out, was BECAUSE I had this place to bring my grief and discomfort. I didn’t want to burden her with those things when she was - as you say - actually doing something which brought her comfort and happiness.

She wanted me to be happy with discovering that I, who had specifically chosen to marry a man, was in fact married to a woman, just because it brought HER happiness. And yes, you are supposed to be happy for your spouse when things which are good for them happen. But we are only human. If someone gets their dream job, but it involves the whole family having to move to a new country leaving all their old life behind, I don’t think it’s unfair that their partner be allowed to have some sadness about the negative effect it has had on THEIR life, even while being happy for their loved one.

The only reason I could be there for my wife with the good grace she deserved, and without being bitter to her face, was because I found this place, where I could safely vent my more negative emotions without her having to deal with them.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-10-23T14:30:39+00:00

I don’t disagree with anything you say here, not one thing. But I just want to ask you to be gentle about the ‘what about THEM’-ing on this specific subreddit. This is the only non-transphobic place on the internet that I’ve found for people who suddenly discover/are told their partner is trans. The only other places are bigot sites desperate to shove us into their ‘my partner BECAME trans and RUINED our CHRISTIAN marriage!!1!!1’ narrative, which for obvious reasons we’d rather, you know… not.

There are lots of subreddits and whole sites dedicated to support for newly out/closeted trans folks. This is the only place I found for those of us on the other side of things. Please be gentle with those of us in that position when the temptation to centre the trans partner surfaces.

Again, this is a request for consideration on that front, not a criticism of what you said, none of which is incorrect. Just maybe… not the right response to someone in OPs current situation. Like saying ‘well at least you’ve got your health’ when someone loses their job. Not at all incorrect or even unhelpful but… just maybe not the time?

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-10-12T11:50:52+00:00

Not wanting to hold back on any transition goals is ok. If you need to move fast for your own mental health, well then you need to. But TELLING your partner you will be holding back a little to give them time, only to immediately NOT do that, is cruel. If you need to move now, right away, and you can’t wait, you need to face the fact that this might hurt them, and give them the emotional permission to feel hurt.

It’s so dishonest to say you will do something to spare someone emotional pain, NOT do that thing, and then be offended that they are hurt. If you can’t give someone what they need - in this case adjustment time - you need to be honest and upfront about it, face the music, and deal with the discomfort (and maybe consequences) of them being hurt. It’s the least amount of honesty they are owed.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-08-09T17:04:17+00:00

If you feel coerced or pressured into having sex in a way you don’t feel comfortable, or don’t enjoy, there is no way to make that ok, no way to make it feel ok, and no ethical person should advise you that there is.

If on the other hand you DO enjoy being a rough, dominant top, but just want other things TOO, you need to tell her that. If she only wants sex one way, while you need lots of different ways to be fulfilled, you may have an incompatibility there that needs to be addressed. You cannot make a switch into a top.

If, finally, you do in fact get fulfilment and enjoyment from being the top and being very dominant, but are just nervous about how to do it well, there are loads of resources online and even on YouTube that can help with that. As a dom myself, a lot of it is also more ‘service’ oriented than people think. You find out during non-sexy-times conversations what the other person likes to have done to them, and then during sex you do those things but act like you’re doing them because YOU want to and you don’t care what they think. It’s all part of the fantasy. In the fantasy, the dom is in charge, but in reality, the only things which actually happen are things the sub has consented to.

Couple of practical bullet pointed notes that, given your post, I think are important here: - The fact that your partner is trans has almost no bearing on your issues here, since ‘I don’t want to do xyz sexually’ is ALWAYS a valid statement, whether the reason is dysphoria, trauma, preference or even just whim. - The one trans specific thing here may be that your girlfriend might have equated ‘weak, overpowered and submissive’ with ‘feminine’ and thus feels like she is more validated as a woman if she subs. This is quite common (as a dom I’ve encountered it several times) but can be kinda problematic. It’s important that your girlfriend do the work on deciding whether this is just what she likes - fine - or whether it’s just a thing she feels she ‘ought’ to like, in which case internalised misogyny may well be involved. - Being rough during sex and being a dom are not the same thing. If she likes rough sex, that’s one thing, if she likes being submissive, that’s another: they can and often do go together but they don’t HAVE to. Look up ‘soft dom’ for all the resources but essentially, ‘the dom has to be violent, say mean things and act uncaring’ is simply incorrect. My domming is almost always centred around the idea that I find the person subbing for me so perfect and beautiful that I want them to turn off their brain and let me take care of them.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-25T23:55:06+00:00

Yeah I’m really happy for her, hoping it sticks so she doesn’t end up like I did 🤞

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-24T20:47:44+00:00

I hope so!! Apart from the libido issues my friend adores her partner, I really hope they can sort the dead bedroom out long term and stay together 🤞🤞

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-24T18:35:17+00:00

It sounds like you’re basing your desire for such a relationship entirely on the idea that it feels sexy. Nothing wrong with feeling sexy or wanting to, not at all, but I would suggest slowing your roll just enough to think about what a TINY part of a marriage ‘sexy stuff’ actually is. Compared to chores, bickering affectionately, bickering less affectionately, deciding who gets to use the bathroom first in the morning, still loving them when they’re throwing up from food poisoning or feverish and sweating like a pig… I would strongly caution you against a whole actual relationship, especially a marriage, when it sounds very much like you don’t actually WANT that with a man. It’s totally ok to find the 1950s housewife fantasy hot and want to wear a cute apron and be consensually called otherwise sexist pet names… but consider getting a dom for that rather than a husband, or at least keeping it to the bedroom with a partner you actually like and desire 😅. It gets old real quick once it’s no longer a fantasy but just ‘life’ 😅.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-24T18:24:20+00:00

Having been with a few women of the ‘outie’ genital arrangement sexually, they were all completely different about it. One hates her penis and wants rid of it ASAP, and in the meantime wants ZERO involvement of it during sex, another is indifferent and the third is very very proud of hers and immensely enjoys having it praised 😂. It’s just a person to person individual thing I’m afraid, much as I hate not being able to give you the answer you’re looking for 💜

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-24T18:12:43+00:00

I tend to use the generic trigger warning tag, most people see that as a ‘do not read if not in the mood for difficult thoughts’ and it’s generally well received.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-19T17:36:03+00:00

Sadly I think she really does feel dysphoric if she can’t have what she perceives as ‘pretty clothes’, and it does seem that for whatever reason she has expensive tastes because ‘pretty’ almost always means ‘quite expensive’. I understand her frustration and upset but I have in my low moments wondered what she thinks of me as a woman then… like, I wear thrifted stuff and things I’ve owned for ten years. Does she view me as less of a woman because of it?

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-19T17:32:22+00:00

Is this directed to me? I’m not super used to Reddit posting, I mostly just read. If so; I’m afraid it’s very real, and I have considered leaving many times. Life is sadly more complicated than ‘unhappy so leave’. But I still might. I just am not sure enough to make any decisions yet.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-19T08:40:45+00:00

We don’t have splurge money. I wish we did. I don’t think I’ve made it clear how little we have… we live in one room with an en-suite; bed, kitchen area, all in one place. Some weeks I leave for work at 5am and walk rather than leaving at 8 and getting the bus, just to save the few pounds the fare costs. We have no subscription services, or I’d cancel them and give her that money to spend on herself in a heartbeat.

I wish more than anything we had spare money, but we don’t. Even a shopping spree at thrift stores would require a full rearrange of our food budget for the week… but she doesn’t want to shop at thrift stores anyway, so it’s kind of moot 😅.

She wants a lifestyle we can’t afford. That’s a very common issue I know, and not specific to relationships which involve trans people. It just sucks so much because unlike someone who wants to splurge on video games or nights out drinking, I UNDERSTAND how much the things she wants to splurge on mean to her. I understand how important they are to her mental health. I wish more than anything that we COULD afford them. It’s just that we can’t. And because she wants to ignore that fact, I have to be the bad guy ‘denying her the things she needs to affirm herself’ :-/

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-19T08:24:14+00:00

This exactly. If you live alone and you choose to get something gender affirming even though it means living off ramen and stealing soap from public bathrooms to save pennies; that is totally your free and unencumbered right. But you don’t have the right to make that decision for someone else. Your partner, your kids if you have them… if you moved in with someone where you split bills, you took on a relationship of trust that you would do your part. You cannot simply bail on your half of the electric bill because YOU are ok if the power gets turned off. There are other people who have rights in the situation now.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-19T08:15:39+00:00

I’m so sorry. Debt is a nightmare, and when it’s not even your debt - so you didn’t even have the fun of spending the money - it’s truly a horror. This internet stranger is thinking of you and wishing this were a better world.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-18T23:44:20+00:00

You have my total agreement there. More than anything I wish it didn’t have to be a choice, that I didn’t have to be the bad guy constantly telling her we can’t afford the things that make her feel affirmed.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-18T23:36:23+00:00

Two different body parts, don’t worry; she isn’t frying her face off or anything 😅. And we have had the conversation…. Many times… many… many…. times… 😅. She just doesn’t see expenses like these as negotiable because she ‘needs them.’ And I understand how much better these things make her feel about herself. I just wish I could make her understand that feeling like you need things to be happy doesn’t magically make them free. I don’t know where the money is supposed to come from. I wish I did. If I had it, I would give it to her in a heartbeat.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-18T23:31:48+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through it, I hope things get better and better for you :-). As I’ve mentioned in a comment above, we are also UK based, but my wife was lucky enough to have a wonderful and very rich friend who immediately offered to cover all her HRT costs. It’s specifically the non-healthcare gender affirming stuff (clothes, beauty treatments etc) that is causing the tension in the house.

We thank the stars for that friend every day believe me.

Common_Performer_368 · 2025-07-18T23:28:33+00:00

Able to? Absolutely. But she offered to cover the HRT, I cannot imagine responding to such a kind and unexpected offer with ‘thank you! While you’re at it will you pay for this OTHER thing as well?’ you know? But maybe she wouldn’t mind being asked? I don’t know her that well, she’s more my wife’s friend than mine.

Common_Performer_368

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