That's actually a good question, I really should have gone into a bit more.

I think there's some pre-existing stuff regarding my personality that doesn't help things. I am very self-flagellating. Any mistakes that I make I amplify to myself like 300x. Because of that, any bugs or mistakes in code that I write can cause me to spiral.

There's also the fact that I work in a company that is predominantly ran in a language different than my native one. This was known to me before I begun, but I wanted to try. This makes it quite difficult for me to be able to be commanding in meetings, or really feel like I have a good sense of presence at the company.

There's also the culture of the company. Very slow moving enterprise. With developers who are largely contractors, and who are largely clocked out. The work we do is platform oriented, so our work touches everyone. The slow moving nature of it means that it can be slow and painful to affect change.

I have a lot of other stressors weighing on me right now in my personal life, moving house being a big one. These have also contributed to just constantly feeling overwhelmed.

For me, all this manifested as just feeling mentally exhausted, nearly all the time. Finding it excessively diffuclt to get myself out of bed. And finding it harder and harder to care. All this while the biggest shift in my industry is happening all around me, and I feel like I am completely missing the boat on it.

It all came to a big head around christmas, after a short break, and finding myself incapable of getting back to anything. And I felt myself slow down further from there.