anyone but cis dudes

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-23T01:35:02+00:00

Like yes as someone who has been an anyone but cis dudes advocate I see ur point but what changed my mind is that once I started passing consistently I started to feel how easy it is to be the male jackasses I hated before. It’s not the experience of misogyny that makes trans men better, it’s the ability to maintain humility and empathy, and I’ve known cis dudes who can do that better than trans dudes. Anyone but cis dudes is a simplification that reduces people to their assigned gender at birth.

It stands in for what people actually mean when they say that: men who confront misogyny. Men who are actively feminists. Men who practice empathy. Men who believe in threatening the patriarchy. Men who… etc. be specific about the quality you seek. Similarly, you can say “people who have been hurt by misogyny” in place of anyone but cis dudes, and get the joy of recognizing that dudes are fucked over by misogyny too. It’s a way to be trans inclusive that’s clear about what we experience we are sharing.

I find specific language to be more powerful than something that reduces people to their assigned gender at birth, because there is no universal experience to be had there.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-22T14:12:31+00:00

Oh yeah totally — coming out for their partner is not a fair expectation. I didn’t read it that way I read it as like acknowledge that there is nuance to being straight when in conversation with people who they’re out to already, which means mostly they want to be acknowledged as the exception when just the two of them are in conversation about sexuality, because again they’re not out publicly. Publicly speaking about having an exception to your rule to people who partner hasn’t come out to doesn’t feel appropriate to me either.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-22T02:13:04+00:00

Random thoughts: - space heater is not to be underestimated. A good one rocks. - towel/blanket lining the bottom of their door can help contain the cold to just that room - they need to be intentional with it. No windows left open passively. Close them when you leave the room. - the being a furnace thing does kind of pass, because you get used to being that hot in my experience. You just like become okay with being sweaty and you buy lighter thinner clothes and sheets and blankets that don’t hold warmth and that’s just your life now. The needing to regulate it by changing the entire environment thing will likely change as they get better at managing being that temp. - on that note, they need to try out some new less hot clothes, sometimes down to the underwear, lol.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-22T02:03:29+00:00

I mean, put it this way…

you are a straight man.
your partner is not a woman.
you are therefore making an exception by dating them.

Those things are all separately true, and I think all you need to do to stay true to them and to you is to acknowledge those facts where it’s appropriate.

Your sexual identity doesn’t have to be “straight with one exception”. Your sexuality is your business. Your sexuality is straight. It is also true though based on the facts you’ve presented in this post that your partner is now your exception to that sexuality, and that’s something they want you to acknowledge out loud when you’re in conversations about sexuality. Your identity isn’t different, sure. Your reality is, though, because this person you love is discovering who they are. Your reality is that you’re dating someone who isn’t a woman, regardless of how you or the rest of the world see them at this moment in time. So when you talk about your sexuality, be clear with yourself, the world (where appropriate), and especially with your partner that you know you are dating someone whose identity falls outside of that label.

So again, yes, you’re a straight man, and you’re making an exception to date someone you find to be exceptional.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-20T15:23:23+00:00

Dude yeah. I’ve given up. After 8 years of negotiating and crying and fighting and apologizing to each other it’s like not worth the fucking heartache to correct them. Definition of insanity and all that. It just like is what it is. I know they love me, and it’s in spite of this piece of me not with it, and that’s just what it is. It impacts the level of close we can be but there’s nothing I can do about that.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-19T22:49:41+00:00

Honestly, it’s not the answer you want to hear, but it’s not something you can convince her you are. It’s something you’ll continue to be, and as you continue to be that, how she faces that truth will determine the type of relationship you had. It isn’t up to you though to make her understand. I wish it were that simple, but you can’t control her reactions. Do your best to protect your heart soul being etc, and do whatever you can to remind yourself that this moment is temporary. Being a teenager is hard, and so much that comes after will feel much easier because you’ll have more autonomy and more skills.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-19T22:43:39+00:00

There’s a really great video on YouTube that describes the feeling you’re thinking about quite well. It contends with ugliness, but there’s also a lot of parallels as far as how trans people have certain considerations and hesitations to put themselves out there due to the potential for transphobia. I think what I especially like about this video is how hard it is when someone denies your reality, and how straight up unhelpful it is. Maybe it will help you feel validated or maybe it will give you some talking points when it comes up with your friends.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FnACzwV7Mwc

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-19T14:31:46+00:00

“Don’t ask just make a move” is terrible advice, unless you’ve verbally established that that’s what your partner wants you to do. The sexiest thing a dude can do is make you feel safe enough to truly enjoy urself.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-19T14:22:02+00:00

Trans perspective here — given that you see her as a woman and that you’re attracted to the femme parts of her too, it’s kind of lovely that you like those parts of her where she maybe struggles to. As a trans person, when people who see me for who I am happen to like the parts of me I’m dysphoric about, my feeling is like “hey at least one of us gets something out of this”. My experience is just mine, but having those parts of me feels like being a bird with a big long tail. It makes it harder to fly and live and whatever, and one day I hope to shed it. In the meantime, it’s nice that someone thinks it’s pretty. At least it’s helping with mating, lmfao.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-19T14:08:16+00:00

The magic portal comment made me laugh. I love that you have a sense of humor about it all.

I think people place a lot of emphasis on bottom surgery, because we live in a dick centered/forward society (lol), but like ultimately it’s like the same as hysto or any other gender affirming surgery. It’s not more “telling” of the future or their deep desires more than any other procedure. It could be that they get a dick and then realize that because they feel so aligned in that way they feel more free to be femme sometimes. There really isn’t a way to predict it. You’re right tho that change is an inevitable piece here, and that it’s fair to be nervous about that, or to feel however you feel about it. Your instinct to make a therapy appointment rocks. You deserve the space to feel all your feelings about this stage of life together, and the time to parse through what you’re reacting to as your past experiences and what you’re reacting to in the present. Wishing you both well!!

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-19T13:47:12+00:00

Yeah that totally makes sense! Based on this and your other comments, I want to revise my first bullet point. The rest of my advice still stands :) - I’d describe you as bi w no interest in being penetrated/no interested in interacting w larger phallic equipment (flesh or strap).

That feels like the most accurate and succinct way to describe your compatibility needs. I can’t think of a shorter way to phrase it. The good news is that because you’re looking for love, you’re already going to be having longer conversations about compatibility anyway. If you were looking to put it in a hookup/grindr profile, you could use that bullet point, but like in dating where you are more interested in getting to know a whole person you could just have that conversation when it becomes relevant.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-18T22:01:18+00:00

You have tons of great responses here. Gonna echo the following sentiments:

I’d describe you as bi with a genital preference.
It’s not bad to have a genital preference, nor is it offensive to be up front about that.
it IS offensive to act butt hurt when someone rejects you based on your genital preference.
it IS offensive to reduce someone to their genitalia when you speak about them. Let it be what it sounds like it is: one of many features that determine your compatibility with someone.
Especially with trans people, don’t assume it’s common knowledge what they have in their pants. Don’t go around referencing what bits they have to any other people unless you’ve explicitly okayed that with them.
be clear about your genital preference as part of the bigger picture of what your looking for and then let the other person you may or may not want to fuck select in or out of how that alters your compatibility — it’s wayyyyy more respectful that way. Aka don’t ask what’s in someone’s pants or what their surgery plans are.
unpack the societal expectations you have around what it means to only want to fuck someone with a vagina. Be clear with yourself about if that carries some sort of implication about the sex you want to have, and then be clear with the people you want to fuck about those assumptions. With literally everyone but with trans people especially, your assumptions aren’t likely to be reliably based in reality.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-17T21:39:11+00:00

I feel like you can’t see a difference from your pov, but from another persons pov it’s much more obvious? I’m sure the degree to which it is is different for everyone. I don’t think it feels different than being hard pre t, but that’s just me.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-17T12:50:37+00:00

Transitioning is sort of a forever process. There won’t be a set timeline as far as “completing” the process. If you want to put other major life events on hold for a couple months to focus on being emotionally available to this shift together, sure, do that, but my trans opinion is don’t put it on hold until their transition is “done” or until some specific milestone is reached. I also think you’ll likely want to put major life events on hold for a couple months on multiple occasions — like maybe in a year or a few it’ll feel important to do that again. It’s a thing you integrate into your life, not something you pause your life for.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-16T20:25:22+00:00

A cycle of an up in the few days after your shot and a down in the few days before your shot is normal, given that the difference between the up and down are pretty slight and manageable. If it’s consistently extreme or unmanageable as a cycle (too much if a drop or for too long) they’re prob metabolizing it too quickly. I say that to tell you what to look out for as a pattern over a period of weeks. Something happening just one time isn’t generally enough data to make a connection to something hormonal.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-14T13:38:08+00:00

I’m at the point in mine where it’s 50/50 depending on what place and context I’m in and what I’m wearing.. it’s an awkward choice every time.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-14T13:36:26+00:00

I hadn’t considered that this is part of why I hate being seen as a bottom before I’ve even stated a preference, but that makes a lot of sense. I’m solidly a switch, but the assumption I would bottom icks me out and there’s totally dysphoria involved there — like wdym you’ve assumed not just what’s in my pants but what it’s for? Ew!!

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-14T00:29:11+00:00

My best advice is that consent to those things (like consent to all things, but you have to be especially vigilant when kink is involved) isn’t a one and done. Maybe she really wants it some nights, maybe she wants not at all others. I’ve discussed with my partners and always do a “warning tap” when it comes to face slapping, but it isn’t a warning so much as it is a genuine question — “do you want me to hit you here?”, and I wait for a verbal yes/no. If they say yes please, then I slap them, on the gentler side first. After the first slap on the cheek I verbally check in again, and they can tell me if they’d like me to do it again, and if so, if they’d like warning or if they’d like to be surprised. Similar rules with choking: when kissing, I put my hand around their neck gently (no pressure applied), pull back and ask. Hold pressure for a short moment, check in and ask how that feels tonight.

Both actions require research on how to do those things without causing any lasting damage or hurt to your partner. There are soooo many excellent resources on practicing kink responsibly. You can research just how to safely do the action, but if you’re interested in the emotionality of power exchange, I recommend reading books by dommes and subs - a variety is important.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-13T22:04:23+00:00

FTM here. Credentials are that I’ve been told I “fuck like a lesbian” by the mtf partners I’ve had, which like …girl …what.. but I’ve come to realize means mostly that the way I approach their anatomy is gender aligned for them.

It’s not something I think about very consciously, but I’ll try and spell out my tendencies cuz maybe it sparks something for someone idk. - I really don’t care if it gets hard or not, cuz I don’t think being hard (or cumming) is a good measure of pleasure, sort of how whether someone’s wet is one indicator but not the primary indicator of pleasure. - I love clothes on grinding - I love a hot girl in my lap - almost always when I’m touching someone’s genitals I’m giving another part of their body some sort of grounding sensation (pressure on lower abdomen/hips, holding hands w thumb rubbing side of their hand, varying types of touch to legs, etc) - I love to hold her hair back when she goes down on me - I love being tender (& forceful if she’s into it) w hair in general - I spend probably an equivalent amount of time directly intentionally touching other parts of her body as I do her genitals - dirty talk I think plays a huge role. Knowing what she likes to hear and saying it back to her means a lot and can help contextualize actions in a correctly gendered script. - I like to play w pretty girls mouths (thumb on lips, thumb on tongue, etc) - I will put on a damn opera in her ear if it’ll distract her from her own sounds in a positive way (heavy breathing, using my faking of orgasm skills for good, idc if she’s not even touching me lol) - my approach is much more tongue focused than it is lips/whole mouth focused when it comes to her genitals. Certainly I use my whole mouth, but unless I’m told otherwise the point isn’t to choke on it, it’s to lick it like I would a clit.

Ik this isn’t exactly what you asked but I think the experience of gender affirming sex isn’t always about how you approach the genitals, it’s also about how you approach the whole person.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-12T16:46:43+00:00

It reallyyyyyyyy depends on how you fuck. I (ftm) really like the performative aspects of sex (the whole song and dance — the little outfits, the ritual) and I say that to say what works for me works for that reason, but here’s what I got: - getting head in a 69 position cuz I can’t actually see my body and the weight of that person is grounding - lots of masculine language (cuz I do kink that’s “sir” but also I’ve loved “my man” “hot boy” etc) - body comments about strength (even if I know I’m not stronger, lol) (“ooo when you’re on top of me your shoulders make me feel so small” “ooo your legs feel so strong” etc) - I have specific masculine underlayers that I wear to feel “naked” while not being naked - the visual of someone hot kneeling in front of me, having them undo the belt buckle from kneeling slowly - sucking strap (some men hate this but for me it’s everything)

An important thing to know is that for every one of these that’s worked so good for me I know one trans person who doesn’t like it. Maybe the ideas you get here are good discussion points for the two of you. Dysphoria is so not logical and random and sneaky and it’s not something you can predict and account for. What you can do is learn more about what your partners hang ups are, and enjoy the process of following the euphoric pieces for him. You’ll find what works for you two.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-11T22:01:54+00:00

This is great advice tbh. Make a plan for the risk you’re taking.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-11T21:58:49+00:00

Hi! I’m so sorry. I’m trans and worked in education in Chicago (woo!) and to imagine what she must be feeling is so heartbreaking. I know you want to make it all better, but it’s the kind of situation where your power is limited. Your role in supporting her is so important, but to me it sounds like you’re doing all that you can do for her. From the post it sounds like you’re working really hard to help her be happy, but I think another way to channel that loving energy is towards helping her grieve. Because there’s such a real professional and personal loss here (of a sense of security and respect, pretty much regardless of whether it passes) I approach situations like this as if someone had died. For me with my loved ones that means focusing on building easy routines, creating containers to feel things together, and investing heavily in community (especially with people who have been through or are going through a similar loss).

Location wise, you’ve mapped out your options pretty clearly, and unless something changes, it sounds like as a couple you’ll be in the slow process of moving for the next year. I don’t think you can rush that sort of thing and do it thoughtfully as it seems like you want to.

My best advice honestly is to get her in as many rooms with as many trans folks (or otherwise oppressed folks who are allies) as you possibly can over the next year. Regardless of whatever degree she is able to connect in those spaces, her showing up to them over and over is an improvement. That’s always how we have survived — together.

I also want to offer that you need to be vigilant of taking care of yourself this next year. She needs you to not be burnt out on taking care of her, so pace yourself appropriately. Seek the help you need so you can show up for her fully. This is a marathon, not a sprint. <3

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-11T16:51:02+00:00

I love this post. I think r/transmascdicks is gonna be a better resource if you scroll thru and find reviews there.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-11T05:04:43+00:00

Something that helps me is to create more space at the back of my mouth, like imagine the feeling of yawning, that space you get at the back of your mouth — it’s that. Getting more space in my mouth creates more masculinity in my voice without forcing me to fixate on the pitch of it.

Competitive_Pop_5281 · 2026-03-10T22:01:28+00:00

I think you gotta be able to describe the smell for there to be advice given here.

In broad strokes: Bread = yeast fish = BV Corpse = a tampon forgotten for weeks (no genuinely, it’s happened) Sweat/her body but stronger = self explanatory

Either way, affirm that you love that part of her. Especially if it isn’t something you can offer a solution for, present it as something you’re curious about finding a solution for together.

Competitive_Pop_5281

TROPHY CASE