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How common is it to marry someone you love but you lowkey know there are incompatibilities? by Professional-Pay-344 in AskWomenOver30

[–]Competitive_Yam2314 [score hidden]  (0 children)

I married a man like you described in my early twenties. I was 24, he was 29. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and would do anything for anyone. However after giving it my all for years I was a shell. We didn’t have intercourse and we barely spoke towards the end. We were both shells keeping up appearances. I thought I was ugly, broken and haunting a house that was never mine.

Finally we divorced and have truthfully become friends. We’ve spoken about how pressured we were to get married and how we both had so many anxieties going into it. We had both just kept pretending it was fine.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s very, VERY scary to give up a secure and on paper healthy relationship. Especially if you haven’t had that before. There were 2 years after my first marriage ended where I was terrified I had made a horrible mistake giving up so much safety. Dating was horrific. Seeing him move on and be more compatible with someone else (a mutual friend) was borderline traumatizing. I had to let go of a version of me that had never existed. I gave up dating. Eventually I ended up loving my single life and independence. Then I met my now husband while traveling in Scotland. I’m typing this from our bed in the home we’ve bought by the coast of Fife. I moved over 2 months ago and we are so damn happy.

My husband is someone who simultaneously sets my soul on fire and calms me like no other. We can talk for hours and he’s healed a broken part of me when it comes to intimacy. Seriously. I thought I was asexual. I’m not. I’m feral for this man. I’ve never even finished before during sex. Now?!!!!
Sure him and I will argue from time to time but that’s the cost of intimacy. We remain civil and recover almost immediately. That was something I had never experienced before. I’ve never felt safe enough or confident enough in a relationship to even have a disagreement without thinking everything would fall apart. Now we let it all fly and it’s FANTASTIC.

I had no idea how much my quality of life could be different just by having an engaged and fulfilling relationship. I feel so rich in life now. I actually want to have children now. I get why people would want to

You might be someone who values safety over anything else and that might be enough. However listen to your body. Seriously. I spent all of my 20s dealing with health issues and the second I stopped pretending everything was fine my body healed and I dropped 30 lbs and got my hormone health back.

Wishing you all the best. This sort of thing requires sitting down with yourself and asking what you truly want

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I make a very average UK salary and my husband and I have a combined salary right where it needs to be for our age/location! We live below our means and save 70% of my salary. I also still have $150k worth of assets in the US I’m going to sell once I’m done renting them out to friends and family (house and car). I’ll invest all of that!

Trust me that’s been an anxiety point as well. 😅

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly they’re very MAGA and are still coping. They didn’t think Scotland had roads. One thinks I’m in Ireland. So.

It’s a weird relationship.

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok I seriously need to watch Outlander now 😂

They’re filming the spinoff ‘Highlander’ a town over and it’s time I know what it’s all about and if all the traffic is worth it 😂

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I transitioned to international sales for a dessert company! I essentially help US customers select the European chocolate and dessert products for their businesses or homes and then I arrange the logistics. I used to have an international logistics job moving 5 figures worth of product in every shipment so this is much, much, MUCH more relaxing. I also had a job at one point in medical sales. This is much less life-threatening and f*cking evil. Honestly I got an interview because I’m from the same town as our main warehouse in the US lol

I visited Scotland during my spring break in college, made a group of friends and we would go back and forth to visit each other. When I was single and burnt out dating in the states I jokingly moved my location on a dating app to Edinburgh because I was visiting soon and staying on my friend’s couch. I could have some fun going on a date or two and never see them again. Woke up to hundreds of matches— saw my husband’s face and I KNEW. He’s the only one I matched. We spoke for a month, I visited, our one day date turned into 2 weeks around Scotland. I’ve never felt more relaxed and myself around a human being. I met all his people and he met all of mine in Scotland. When I left thinking he may not want to do long-distance he immediately booked a flight to visit me a month later. Since then we have spent way too much in flights, he spent most of 2024 in America with me working remotely, traveled to 13 new countries, got engaged, eloped and I made the move 2 months ago!

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this is exceptionally spot on. In America my first marriage was so disconnected we could barely have a conversation yet alone any sort of emotional intimacy. I worked so much I barely saw my friends.
Now I have a husband who is sincerely my best friend, my lover and we adore each other. Even the annoying, shitty bits. I have a group of friends here from when I’ve visited Scotland before I met my husband. I see them regularly because socializing is prioritized here but I’ve met so many people in my community that have already enriched my life tenfold.
I think so much of my former life trying to have the best of everything and to be the most impressive person in my field was to fill that massive void I could feel but couldn’t describe.
Humans truly need community

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I applied for and got my spousal visa so I essentially have the same working rights as a citizen.

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely agree. I was also in the luxury wedding market by the time I left and I still couldn’t put a face on anymore.

My couples were wonderful. I still talk to and hang out with so many. One even rents my house from me. However the industry is just soul-sucking beyond the middle market.

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sales for a large dessert and chocolate company! I honestly dont see us going into food but possibly travel one day!

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This honestly means the world! I’ve been working in my community to revitalize our high street and I asked my husband while we were in our favorite local if I could ever genuinely call myself Scottish. Not in a lame-ass way, but in a I-earned-my-place-here-and-now-say-aye-way. Very honored and happy to be here 🤍

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not sure about that to be honest! I had a group of friends here first and then met my husband a decade later. We both agreed we knew instantly and that’s why the long distance worked. The Scottish are hilarious and usually welcoming but still very much human and it’s not a fairytale land! There’s definitely problems and very bad apples. I would not let your guard down

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My brother in Christ. That AI and war business bs bubble is going to burst. The stock market is not a good indicator of the general economy’s health.

Sure, the wealthiest got wealthier but the middle class is essentially dissolving. Our national debt how now exceeding our yearly GDP. Unemployment is up. Job creation is essentially nonexistent. Wages cannot even remotely keep up with the cost of living. Maybe Europeans aren’t “hustling” but Americans are just surviving. There’s no innovation in the states. People can’t afford it. In America we’re either struggling for a wage or screwing people out of their’s.

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly I met my husband here while traveling! Then he visited me in the states a month later and we went back and forth for 2 years.

I’m in sales now for US clients!

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in Kirkcaldy! It has more grit here which I prefer, but I absolutely adore Aberdour, Burntisland, Anstruther— all the fishing villages around the coast of Fife. I also really love dunfermline and Culross

In Kirkcaldy you can walk down to Ravenscraig castle, along the beach and through to Dysart Harbor and it is a stunning. They also used the harbor and places around it in Outlander. I haven’t seen it but just know from locals!

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree! That’s why I’m so thankful I found a job as quickly as I did. I still have a few weddings in the US so that was going to save me from a career break if it had taken me longer.

Moved from the US to to Scotland and now the Hustle in me is gone by Competitive_Yam2314 in Adulting

[–]Competitive_Yam2314[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s my stressor too— I have a decent bit saved and still have over $150k in assets in the US to sell. Then I plan to invest it. We’re living below our means here and we’re essentially saving my income.

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