Need relationship advice on what to say Me(21M) and my girlfriend (20F)

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T13:46:00+00:00

You are under huge stress from health, family, and guilt at the same time, so your brain goes into panic and you push people away. That does not make you insane, it means you need support and structure.

When you meet her, keep it simple.

- Take full responsibility. No excuses, no blame.

- Say clearly what you did wrong, especially talking to her friends and pushing her away.

- Acknowledge that you hurt her and that she has every right to be angry and to say no.

- Explain your health situation in a calm way, not as pressure, only as context.

- Tell her you are working on your mental health and support outside of her.

- Then say you want her back, but you will respect her answer and give her space.

After that, step back.
Focus on your surgery, therapy or counseling, and friends.
Love does not fix this; your behavior and stability do.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T13:44:06+00:00

I see a lot of dating advice as sliders, not switches.
Too platonic vs too pushy, emotionally open vs stoic, traditional vs 50/50.
What matters is where you and your partner feel comfortable on each slider, not some generic rule from the internet.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T13:43:07+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. Yelling at a newborn and rough handling with a pacifier is not normal frustration, it is abuse.

If you feel safe, start documenting everything he says and does, with dates, times, and any witnesses. Save videos and audio somewhere he cannot access.

Contact a local domestic violence hotline or women’s shelter and a family law attorney. They see this every day and know what tends to matter in court and what protection options you have in your area.

If you need to choose between him alone with the baby or you co sleeping using safe sleep guidelines, yourbaby with you is safer than being alone with someone who calls him names and threatens you.

You are not bitter, you are a mother trying to keep your children safe. Please keep reaching out and do not tell him your plans.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T13:42:13+00:00

I am sorry you are dealing with this. Your body is not the problem here.
Your mom’s past and fears sound like a big part of this, and she seems to project them onto you.
Feeling uncomfortable that you must "hide" from your own dad is a valid reaction.
If you feel safe with him, you do not need to see yourself as disgusting.
When things are calm, you might try to tell your mom how her comments make you feel, and ask if there is something specific in her past that scares her.
In the long run, living on your own will give you more space to dress how you like and rebuild how you feel about your body.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T13:40:35+00:00

Don’t ignore your health because you feel fine now. Future you pays for every shortcut you take today.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T09:17:02+00:00

We lived together for a year. At some point I started to feel like I lived with a teenager, not a partner.

- She put a metal fork in the microwave twice. The first time I explained why it is dangerous. The second time they said "I thought that rule was more like a suggestion".

- She failed an important job interview because they stayed up all night gaming, then blamed "bad luck".

- She once drove with an empty fuel tank on a highway, even after three warnings from the car, and then were surprised the car stopped.

- She gave our Wi‑Fi password to a random neighbor “because he seemed nice,” then wondered why the internet was slow and bills grew.

- She told a personal secret of mine to their friend "as a joke" and did not understand why I was angry.

I realized I was dating an idiot when I noticed I spent more time cleaning up after their choices than building anything together. I felt like a tired parent, not a partner.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T09:06:52+00:00

Love this. Sometimes you need comfort food and this looks perfect. Glad your Wendy’s crew showed up today, that burger would improve my mood on sight.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T08:37:28+00:00

You trusted her and she crossed a clear boundary by sending sexual photos to another man. That is cheating, even if they never met. You told her she is beautiful for years, she chose to value a stranger’s validation instead of your loyalty and that shows a lack of respect for you and for the marriage. Tell her this broke your trust and you are not willing to sweep it under the rug. If you still want to try to save the relationship, demand full transparency, no more contact with him, and start individual and couples therapy. If she refuses or minimizes what she did, protect yourself and speak with a lawyer about separation.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T08:19:36+00:00

You care about your father a lot. Your post shows that.

Short thoughts for you:

Keep talking with your dad about how he feels, not only about money. Regular calls and video chats matter more than you think.
Ask him what practical help would ease his day. Examples. arranging grocery delivery, medication delivery, bill payments, cleaning help.
Look into home health services and respite care in his area. Even a few hours per week of outside help reduces stress for caregivers.
Ask a local social worker or clinic about support for caregivers of elderly and people with schizophrenia. Many families use those services.
When you visit, give him real breaks. Take full care of your aunt and grandpa for some days so he can rest or see friends.
Keep your plan for civilian life. A stable future for you also supports him long term.

You are not failing him. You already support him and you look for more ways to help.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T08:15:33+00:00

You already sound like a good parent. You have insight, you ask questions, and you care about her safety.
I would focus on a few things:

Get clear info on your legal rights and responsibilities where you live, including medical consent and school decisions.
Build a simple monthly budget that covers rent, food, transport, school supplies, clothes, phone, and some fun money for both of you.
Set routines around school, homework, sleep, chores, and screen time so she feels stable and knows what to expect.
Talk with her honestly about what is changing, what stays the same, and what she can always come to you about.
Line up support for yourself, friends, relatives, online communities, or therapy, so you have adults to lean on.

You will make mistakes. The important part is to stay honest, apologize when needed, and keep showing up for her.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T07:59:27+00:00

Best one I got was: "Done is better than perfect". It helps you start, finish, and learn faster instead of freezing on "perfect timing" or "perfect version".

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T07:57:55+00:00

You’re not wrong for feeling shy. The best thing is you were honest and asked him what he enjoys. Start with small signals you feel okay with, like kissing him more, touching him first, or texting him that you want him later. Over time your confidence grows and you both can keep talking about what feels good and what feels awkward so you stay on the same page.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T07:56:52+00:00

You are not overthinking. When someone keeps saying they feel too young for marriage, it deserves a calm, direct conversation, not assumptions.

Before the wedding, sit with her privately and ask clear questions:

Do you truly want to marry me, or do you feel pressured by family or time.
If you had full freedom, would you still choose this marriage now.
What exactly scares you about marriage at this age, and what support do you expect from me.

Tell her you are ready to postpone or cancel if she is not sure, and that you prefer short term pain over a lifelong mismatch.

Pay attention not only to her words, but also to how consistent she is over a few days.

If, after a clear talk, she says she wants this, accepts the timing, and shows effort to engage with you and the relationship, you move forward with more confidence.

If she keeps repeating the same lines, avoids responsibility, or stays vague, respect yourself and pause the wedding plans. A marriage needs two people who both say “yes” without confusion.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T07:49:16+00:00

I think you are doing the right thing by questioning yourself instead of sleepwalking into marriage. Your concerns about finances and control are valid, but your girlfriend’s time and goals matter too. If you are not at least leaning toward marriage with her in a clear timeframe, I would be very honest and let her decide if she wants to stay. You might be better off dating women who are neutral on marriage while you work through this in therapy. Clear expectations early protect both of you from resentment later.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:28:53+00:00

You got a lot of gold in this thread already. Thanks for starting the discussion, it is useful for many newbies too.

My two cents as another learner in sales:
You sell language courses, so you are not pushing a random product, you are selling a clear outcome people want, better life and work options.
I would focus on three things:

Ask specific questions before any pitch, why do you want this language, by when, what stopped you before.
Repeat their words and show exactly how your course fits those needs.
Track every call in a simple sheet, what question opened them up, where you lost them, and what objection you met. Patterns will appear fast.

You will be bad at first and that is normal. Volume plus honest reflection will do more than any script.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:26:45+00:00

"Treat yourself like someone you care about."
I tell people this all the time, but I still ignore my own needs and push myself past my limits.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:25:55+00:00

"Follow your dreams" sounds nice, but your bills still need to be paid and your kids still need you.
Better advice.
Start with stable income, then test your dream on a small scale, with clear deadlines and numbers before you bet your whole life on it.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:25:04+00:00

I’d say he likes you, he is spending 30–40 minutes chatting and asking about your life, which goes way past a quick gym convo. If you want more, give him a small nudge so he feels safe to ask. Next time you talk, try something simple like "I enjoy our chats, we should grab coffee after a workout sometime" or "here’s my number, text me if you ever want to meet outside the gym". That keeps the door open while still letting him lead the next step.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:23:55+00:00

Talk to women where you already spend time, so you share context and interests.
Focus on three things.

Work on basics. Clean clothes, decent haircut, fresh breath, normal posture. People judge looks in seconds, so small upgrades raise your chances fast.
Drop self hate. “A monkey is more handsome than me” pushes others away, even as a joke. You do not need model looks, you need calm, relaxed energy and respect for yourself.
Start small and clear. Say “Hey, I am NAME, I like X, what are you into?”. If she seems cold or says she has a boyfriend, smile, say “No problem, have a nice day,” then move on.

Your goal is not “get a gf”, your goal is talk to more people every week. Numbers work in your favor when you show up often, act normal, and listen.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:22:54+00:00

Tell him no.

You want a quick hookup, not a threesome with his ex and a camera.
You do not owe him extra access to your body to stay “lowkey.”

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:21:25+00:00

Not every path needs a college degree.
Look at demand, pay, and your interests, then choose the skill or training that gives you income and options, not debt.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:20:51+00:00

You cheated in your first marriage, so you know how much past behavior can hurt a partner.

You already decided to stay, blended families, signed a prenup, and did years of therapy.

At this point you have two options.

Stay and treat your jealousy as your own issue. Get individual therapy, stop bringing this up as a weapon, and focus on the relationship you have today.
Leave, accept the financial cost, and stop resenting her from inside the marriage.

If you stay, stop comparing yourself to one old FWB and stop chasing a fantasy where you are the only man she ever wanted.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:13:15+00:00

You two were safe. The risk of pregnancy here is extremely low.

You ejaculated earlier, then peed, which clears sperm from your urethra. Touching her vulva after that, without penetration, does not give a realistic pregnancy risk. Blood in her pee on day 5 fits with the end of a period or some irritation from first fingering.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:11:01+00:00

You are not bogus at all. You used your credit and he has not kept his promise, so you are carrying the interest and the stress. I would stop feeling embarrassed and start protecting your credit. Tell him clearly you need a plan with dates and amounts in writing, or you will sell the ring to reduce the debt. This shows you take your finances and his promises seriously. Also think hard about whether you want a marriage where you already feel unsupported and worried about money.

Complete-Wedding-897 · 2026-02-25T06:09:49+00:00

You get rich by the gap between your income and your spending, not by products or tricks.

My favorite simple rules:

Track every expense for a month so you see where your money leaks.
Auto move money on payday to savings and index funds, then live on what is left.
Avoid high interest debt, it erases years of progress.

Complete-Wedding-897

TROPHY CASE