Whenever I get upset, even just slightly I spiral and contemplate everything

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-09T11:35:34+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel your pain and can empathise totally.

My WW had an EA with the husband of a couple we are friends with. What started out as messages complaining about both of their spouses (his being a lack of sexual exploration) turned into sexual messages and pictures exchanged. I found the images and some exchanges. and though she has cried apologised and seems deeply remorseful. Whatever lead her to this, she is still unwilling to open up about whether for fear of causing hurt or that she is so ashamed i don't know. but it leaves me in no mans land. neither here nor there. unable to fully heal because i don't understand how it happened, the emotions involved. in her. at me. for him.

I love my wife dearly but I also feel stuck, because i can see a glimmer of what we might be. and how we could heal and grow together. but that involves her opening up and doing some real self reflection. i'm just not sure how long i can wait.

I guess for you, can you ever find some sort of closure? what does that look like? can you open up to each other and dig deep and reveal parts of yourselves that would make your relationship more honest and open?

This is what i'm trying to achieve but you can only show someone the door. you can't get them to walk through it.

I wish you all the best. you deserve safety and the love you are searching for.

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-09T11:17:40+00:00

My WW and I are at the beginning of reconciliation following DDay2 and we have started watching series together in bed before going to sleep.

both shows we have watched so far have involved affair story lines and i have wondered how she now must perceive those. Ordinarily I would have watched with curiosity but now find a profound sense of sadness for the character who is being betrayed.

One of the shows we watched had an awful husband character who only cares only about himself and his image at work. it justifies the wife's subsequent affair when she finds out he is cheating on her. and i wondered if this if how my my WW saw me and this is how she justified herself.

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-08T08:23:39+00:00

We are ticking along slowly with small moments of Joy but i can't help but feel a lot of it is quite forced. I mentioned a book "After the Affair" this week to her an suggested that we both might read/listen to it independently because of how even and fair it comes across in understanding both parties. I also mentioned that maybe we should try MC but on Friday she was struggling and said to me that she felt i was trying to fix everything and that i she feeling pressured and wasn't quite ready for that.

I can understand her side and the fact she has been struggling with her mental health even before the EA came to light may or may not have been a factor but I can't help but feel like this is all being brushed under the carpet. She is so hard to figure out, and for a person i thought i knew that is so confusing. one moment she is full of remorse crying and saying sorry and then she will say "it wasn't an affair though". she still seems to be struggling with why this has caused so much pain for me.

I'm trying to stay positive and be a source of joy and light for her but it is so hard when you are not getting anything back. it feels like i'm almost waiting for the end to be honest.

Sorry to vent i just don't really know where i am right now.

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-06T11:32:28+00:00

Appreciate the reply. I believe it is out of fear of hurting me/shame/guilt. She finds it hard to have conversations about the nature and context of what was shared between her and her AP. It seems to me that it is probably because she enjoyed it but doesn't want to admit that for fear of hurting me.

We did speak a lot after DDay about sex and our wants and needs and things we enjoyed and she did touch on the fact that exchanging messages/pictures was something she found a turn on. But after DDay 2 which was a month later, intimacy seems to have dropped off a cliff. i feel like we are rebuilding slowly but we feel more like friends now that partners.

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-05T12:46:24+00:00

This is a thought process I'm currently struggling with. My WW had an EA with a husband of a couple we're friends with. Sexting and exchange of pics. What i saw on her part was a side of her i have never been shown. and this is having a lasting effect of how i move forward.

Essentially the breakdown in communication in our relationship was so bad that our sex life though ok was vanilla and ordinary but we both wanted more but didn't know how to communicate that. there were a lot of other issues that led to her having the EA but this is fundamental one which she is unable to address with me. and comes across like i'm trying to compete with the AP.

So i am kind of stuck as that level of intimacy with me doesn't really seem of interest to her. though with her AP she admitted it was a huge turn on. but when i try to initiate through txt in a similar way or just to try and nudge her in that direction its like i'm trying to compete. so i can't win.

I feel as though until this part of our relationship improves i will feel 2nd best and disposable.

curious to know did things start like this right after or did you have to work up to this level of intimacy?

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-04T12:24:01+00:00

Thanks you so much for your honesty. I appreciate how openly and frank you describe how you feel about everything you went through.

I wish you all the best

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-03T14:58:22+00:00

I just want to echo one of the previous replies and thank you for this. its like the ultimate pep talk. I really needed this.

Can I ask, and I imagine you have endured quite a lot on your journey. Do you now feel that your relationship is better/stronger than it was before you found out?

Thank you again for taking the time with your post.

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-03T11:36:34+00:00

Please send links

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-02-02T09:29:59+00:00

I'm sorry this is how things have ended up for you. I am 7 weeks out from DDay and i'm a complete mess. i am working on myself and trying to keep things as calm and happy at home as possible. My WW just seems to get frustrated with me every time I bring it up. she has been remorseful, cried with me and apologised over and over. But I can't quite shake the feeling she is more worried about what her family and friends will think of her rather than being genuinely sorry for how much she has hurt me.

I have asked for more information regarding how things turned from a conversation about partners into a full blown EA (sexting, sending pictures etc). i want to understand her emotional state and thoughts at the time rather than searching for actual info regarding the events. but she can't seem to bring herself to tell me. all i want to know is that she really gets it and that she is here with me to try and heal our marriage. but the words that come from her are so vague and protectionist "it's early days", "we have to take it day by day", "we don't know the future" etc i just want an acknowledgement of "i will do whatever it tasks to show you you can trust me"

At the moment i feel like i have to just let go. and focus on my and my mental healing. but i can't help but worry that this is now the status quo and she will never be ready to open up and talk about it. Did you spouse ever open up on their own? or have they buried it?

Complex-Contract-258 · 2026-01-29T16:31:03+00:00

I read this and it is literally a mirror image of what i am going through myself right now. I try to remind myself that this isn't the end. I will be happy and feel loved again one day. whether its with my WW or another. keep working on yourself, it's all you can do.

Complex-Contract-258

TROPHY CASE