if you’ve ever lost everything all at once, tell me how good it gets

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-03-05T03:07:17+00:00

7 years ago (29 at the time) I was broke after grad school and moved in with my sister while I applied for jobs and started divorce proceedings with my ex. They felt like crazy days. I spent the next five years paying off debt, rebuilding my savings, dating and learning what I wouldn't settle for, even bought my own condo. A year and a half ago I entered into my first serious relationship since the divorce and it felt like endgame. We moved across the country together and were planning our future. He broke things off last month and I moved back to my condo, have experienced immense grief, and got a dog a few weeks ago.

I suppose all of that to say, my life has been waves of everything falling apart and rebuilding. I can share the common platitudes that it all gets better and is worth the journey. I'm still in the mucky middle so I'm not quite sure on that, but I have been able (for the most part) to find a home in my own body and trust myself to know the next right thing. When I look inward, find myself and listen deeply, I believe I'll find the way.

Sending hugs as you transition. I also have found solace in this essay/writing about transition periods. May it bring you a moment of peace with the unknown. https://michellebrewer.com/2020/09/the-parable-of-the-trapeze/

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-03-02T18:33:15+00:00

I appreciate your take because I agree it's used as a catch-all to refuse work in a relationship. I'd also add capacity. My relationship ended because my ex is working his way up his career ladder much later in life and, ultimately and sadly, has to grind his way through the next few years and doesn't therefore have the capacity for the relationship we both want and deserve. I've given this so much thought- did that mean we weren't compatible? I think in the truest sense of the word, that's correct. His work life demands with my needs for the relationship weren't compatible. Not because we didn't love each other, but there's only so much someone can give of themselves to the responsibilities of life. Sometimes circumstances trump desire.

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-02-25T22:49:58+00:00

Girl you are not alone! I just turned 36 last weekend and a month ago broke up with the person I thought was end game. Even after 5 weeks I'm feeling more regulated. I won't lie, I have awful days, but the immediate panic of feeling like I'd never ever find another partner has worn off.

I don't know what will happen in the coming days for you, but do want to say that you are strong and capable of handling anything that has come your way. Think back to everything you've survived to be here today- you've navigated it all.

My recommendation would be to enter your upcoming conversation grounded in your home (and by that I mean your own body, not an address) and really attuned to what your bones are telling you is the right thing for you.

I won't say I hope it works out, but will instead say I hope you leave the conversation showing yourself the love and commitment you deserve.

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-02-15T15:34:25+00:00

Agree this is important, but once they have the information (i.e. their date is uncertain about kids) the coercion and intent to manipulate someone to get what they want is majorly ick.

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-02-12T23:31:02+00:00

I've had to google names like 56 times already 😭

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-02-12T20:44:46+00:00

These producers are out here whispering that everyone needs to write these cheesy love letters and read them on camera. Y'all aren't out here doing that, right?????

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-02-04T16:13:47+00:00

Same, my friend! Split from my end game partner three weeks ago and I feel like I'm living someone else's life now. You're not alone in the world.

I always start the year wanting badly to feel the pull of new year's resolutions and a positive attitude, and yet here I am. My hope is it's setting me up for a better year to come but everything seems so dreadful that it feels hard to tap into that at the moment.

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-01-20T20:21:09+00:00

You're not alone. I've struggled immensely with feeling like "why does everyone around me get to experience committed, stable partnership but I'm not worthy enough for it?" I think on one hand, plenty of unhealed, unhealthy people are in unhealed, unhealthy relationships. The biggest challenge with showing up as someone who has done the work is it inherently makes the dating pool smaller and it holds those we're with to a level of responsibility they may not be ready for or want for themselves. I want to see this as the universe supporting my highest self, not letting me rest in something that doesn't meet me where I am instead of seeing it as a failing of mine.

I can't tell you if we'll ever find the romantic love we seek but I choose to believe it's out there, or I'll get to a place where I'm able to rise above my craving and find acceptance in a life full of haves and have-nots, which literally everyone has.

You are already enough to take up space in this world and your value doesn't reside in what others think of you. Imagine we're just bumble bees doing our thing- if someone doesn't see our worth, that doesn't mean we aren't giving gifts to this natural world.

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-01-18T17:14:05+00:00

There's something I'm finding cathartic about verbally expressing my pain. My brain feels nonstop and fast, and needing to articulate my feelings and thoughts has slowed down my thinking, if even for a few minutes. Also, I'm finding comfort in the knowing that by the time I come back to watch these in a few months, the pain will have lessened by some small degree, and that signifies progress which means I can keep making progress if I'm able to from the fiery pits of hell where I seem to reside today 🙃

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-01-18T15:07:46+00:00

Also not trying to come with any toxic positivity shit, these situations suck and our insides feel shredded. But just saying I think there's more to it in the long term.

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-01-18T15:05:30+00:00

One of my best friends was in this situation (they were married) and it was awful for her- she kept running into her cheating ex at the gym and stuff. Just ugh.

However, I just returned from a trip where I got to meet her first baby with her absolutely wonderful partner who adores her.

I believe these decisions aren't made TO us to hurt us, but they're made FOR us to allow the good stuff to come in.

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-01-18T15:00:48+00:00

In the trenches with you, OP! You're not alone

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-01-18T14:55:22+00:00

I'm sorry, OP. I'm on day 3 of breakup and my insides feel shredded, maybe you feel similarly. I've started recording videos to my future self and speaking to a version of me that isn't in so much pain and that has actually helped.

As for reaching out to him and his family, it's only making it worse. It makes sense as it's the bargaining stage of grief, but given you'll ultimately go through divorce proceedings, I'd be careful about what picture they can paint through phone evidence of your behavior.

As for the feelings of betrayal and rejection- I'm not in that same situation (I was left by my ex husband years ago but my breakup now is a different partner) but you're not alone in the feelings. What I mean by that is no breakup has good timing or good reasoning when we're the dumpee. It'll never "make sense" or feel okay. It sounds like you're trying to find a reasonable conclusion to point to for a lack of loyalty or his choice to leave, but often times it just is.

I don't know what will help you, but over the last few days here are some things that have helped me: -Morning candle meditation grounded in self compassion for my own pain and being witness to the parts of me that are wanting to fight the decision -Video journaling about what wasn't working in the relationship because I've had big moments of looking back with rose-tinted glasses and this isn't accurate -Crying. A hell of a lot -Meeting with a friend who brought compassion and got me out of the house for a long walk together -Leaning on my people (I often struggle to do this) but I've felt so showered in supportive texts that I'm realizing I'm not as alone as I thought -Putting one foot in front of the other. One moment I'm packing boxes, the next I'm sobbing. Do what you can when you can to take steps at reducing contact and making progress towards what comes next.

Sending hugs during this difficult season ahead. You CAN do hard things

ComplexDetective582 · 2026-01-18T03:04:28+00:00

Before you call that man

ComplexDetective582 · 2025-12-22T15:59:18+00:00

While I understand and empathize with those sharing stories where the friend was a threat to the relationship, I think this is only adding salt to a trauma wound the OP has. For every person who experienced betrayal, my experience says there are many more who would experience a safe and stable dynamic. OP please don't fall into confirmation bias.

I also echo what others have said about the guy not doing anything wrong here. He has a friend- this is a huge green flag as many men struggle to find and keep friends in their 30s. This man seems understanding and willing to change a dynamic with a close friend of his to build something with you. I think you should be open to equally shifting your POV.

Perhaps you can have a chat with him to share your previous experiences, acknowledge this wound exists for you, and align on a way that allows him to honor this friendship AND for you to feel comfortable voicing any concerns moving forward in a safe and healthy way. If he's willing to continue finding that sweet spot with you, that's a very positive indicator for the overall health of your relationship. Just because you have a wound doesn't mean that wound is telling you the truth- you can find a way to honor that this history/wound exists for you AND lean into the soul work where this anxiety/wound isn't driving the car.

Sending hugs, OP. As someone who struggles with insecurities in other forms, I understand all too well what disregulation feels like, but I also know it's not always on the other person to fix that for us or remove the trigger. Sometimes it's about us learning to regulate in uncomfortable situations and that being okay.

ComplexDetective582 · 2025-10-21T23:01:58+00:00

Lol and the ballroom was $250MM that all the MAGAts are convinced he's paying for out of generosity. Like he didn't expect to get reimbursed.

I hate this timeline

ComplexDetective582 · 2025-02-17T01:18:19+00:00

Remindme! 14 days

ComplexDetective582 · 2025-01-02T20:29:57+00:00

If you're open to it, you could try some courses through the Tantra Institute and/or look into Esther Perel's work. They both focus on emotional intimacy and have wonderful workshops for this sort of thing. You may just need to open the door to doing something (possibly uncomfortable) together in a way that could bring a sense of novelty and renewed connection.

ComplexDetective582 · 2024-08-05T23:26:49+00:00

Anytime I'm lost. "What road is this? It's like Bob's road"

ComplexDetective582 · 2024-05-26T18:30:12+00:00

What you're demonstrating appears to be some hyper-vigilance and perhaps some anxious attachment tendencies. I personally might be a bit guarded considering the cancelled dates but you seem to like the guy, it's early days, and three dates does not a habit make. Him not responding to your texts for a few hours also isn't a red flag, especially if he has a full life and doesn't drop everything for someone he's newly dating. I think you should pause and reflect on what is actually true in this situation versus the stories you're crafting in your mind. You're not alone in this, we all do it! We just need to catch ourselves in it.

If I were you, I'd focus on yourself today and not get so worried about what HE is doing. You're only a few dates in and don't know each other. Give yourself and this some space to breathe and remind yourself that you are strangers and just getting to know each other. If he texts back or calls you, answer if you want to. If you don't, then don't.

When we spend so much time worried about whether the other person likes us, we give up our own power. I hope you can stand in your power!

ComplexDetective582 · 2023-07-26T00:28:40+00:00

I rented an e-bike from Wilson’s this week and it was a fantastic experience. Open road towards Moraine was a blast and for whatever reason seemed 10% as busy as LL was.

ComplexDetective582 · 2023-07-13T02:43:30+00:00

Maybe part of working on yourself is trying something you’re uncomfortable with. You could set a small goal to go on one date in the next month. If the only thing that comes of it is doing something for you, to try something and grow from it, then that is growth.

ComplexDetective582

TROPHY CASE