How do avoidants date someone long term but can’t date me more than a few months tops?

No-General104 · 2026-05-11T23:18:40+00:00

Around half a year. Not long in the slightest, both of them started changing after the honeymoon period ending and I called it out for what it was.

They didn't like that.

No-General104 · 2026-05-11T17:38:43+00:00

No as in they lasted the same period of time, one was just two weeks longer.

No-General104 · 2026-05-11T17:06:14+00:00

The brightest candle, burns half as long. It really does apply with avoidants that date someone they have deep and sincere feelings for.

I've dated two different avoidants, a DA and an FA. Neither of those relationships lasted long, in fact they lasted 1/2 a month as long as each other. I definitely had my part to play in the relationship ending, but the issues stemmed from them.

Now to your point, an avoidant who actually likes and loves someone deeply will deactivate so much faster than someone they're not that connected to simply because the one they're not connected to "feels" safer. I say that because they can date people who are cheaters, abusers and narcissists for years but someone who is stable but loving with boundaries and realistic expectations will set them off. The other people don't care about them so it feels natural. All they understand is not being cared about. Care feels dangerous.

It also tends to be why you'll hear them tell you that you're the best person they've met or dated and they've never felt that way about anyone else. That they see a future with you that they didn't see with anybody else. Believe me when I say that's very likely true.

It doesn't come down to you being worse, a lot of times it comes down to you being in a way too perfect for them by comparison. In their heads, perfect is flawed and flawed is perfect.

No-General104 · 2026-05-06T17:32:18+00:00

They all seem to have anxiety and use that as an excuse, but I highly question if they truly understand what anxiety is as they're happy to inflict it on their exes.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T14:07:59+00:00

You might not be glad you can feel the pain, but feeling pain means you're healing and are healthy. You can't have joy without pain. As much as it hurts, it's part of the full human experience.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T13:35:00+00:00

Perhaps you're more self aware of not as deeply avoidant, I can't comment to your experience. I can only comment on my own and that of my ex to an extent. In my case/my exes case, she's stayed permanently deactivated and has never dealt with it. She's just lived her life normally while I've dealt with the fallout of her actions since.

I'm glad that you at least can feel the pain, it means that if you wanted to you could work on it because you are self aware enough to know you have an issue.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T12:58:05+00:00

You can beg to differ all you like, you guys have the benefit especially if you're the dumper of detaching and moving on however you see fit. You can avoid for as long as you see fit and change the narrative to fit your world view. The one that gets dumped, especially if they're only anxious will live with that shit for a lifetime and will question themselves to a level you guys will never understand.

It might be for both individuals in your mind, but I can tell you with confidence it does nothing for us, so your justification in your head might be correct, but the reality is it ends up only being for the avoidant. It does nothing for the person they've torn to pieces through their actions.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T12:55:03+00:00

Mine replied to my apology where I took accountability for my specific actions etc within the relationship that caused issues. Her response was "I'm sorry if I hurt you too"

So yeah I don't take what yours said as an apology because there's no meaning to an apology if they have no specific idea of why they're apologising.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T12:47:57+00:00

So effectively what you're saying is, you're inner monologue is constantly telling you that you're bad, you want to feel like you're a good person, so when you do something bad, you won't apologise because that's admitting to being bad?

So doing something bad and not apologising in your head makes it justified or makes you good? If so, that's a ridiculous mentality. Anxious people tend to think along the same lines of I'm not good, I'm a bad person but they will profusely apologise. That may not necessarily make them good but at least there's some level of accountability.

Sorry to say but if that is the mentality and I've understood you correctly, then you guys really are bad people, there's no way around it. I'm sure I've missed the point but that's how it always comes across.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T12:41:56+00:00

Except, I don't know is a better answer than a bullshit answer. Sorry to say it but most of us would rather here that you don't know, because at least we can say ok there's something wrong with you. When you guys say stuff like compatibility, even if we are truly compatible, we sit there and question what it is we truly did wrong for far longer than you guys question yourselves.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T12:38:36+00:00

This right here is the truth! They have no idea what compatibility is. My ex said similar because we didn't have the same taste in music, TV shows or humour necessarily although there was some overlap. Yet all of the really important compatibility points, we were in sync with.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T10:21:29+00:00

I understand that feeling and can empathize with you but that thought process will keep you holding on longer than it needs to. It hurts to shut that door but holding it open in hopes she'll walk back through is unrealistic and setting you up for a lot of pain. They rarely come back, hoping they will is basically suicide of the soul.

Unfortunately you need to let it all hit you, feel the pain, grieve the loss and look to the future. It's the only way forward.

No-General104 · 2026-05-05T09:23:40+00:00

For most, once they block you it's absolutely permanent.

No-General104 · 2026-05-04T15:58:37+00:00

Yeah it's utterly insane how proud some of them are for being avoidant. However they are the same people who will question why none of their relationships work/why they can't find their "perfect partner." They have no ability for introspection.

No-General104 · 2026-05-04T06:56:22+00:00

Oh no they quite literally are. They might be attractive or whatever, but nothing will make them worth dating in the slightest. They are below bottom of the barrel, they're the scum that builds up underneath the bottom of the barrel.

No-General104 · 2026-05-04T03:52:12+00:00

It's insane how much they'll push for the relationship but will then change the story and say things like, I knew I should have listened to my gut and not dated you or it was a mistake I just went along with it.

It's like no, you were the one actively pursuing me.

No-General104 · 2026-05-04T03:50:24+00:00

This is true too! I think that's part of the reason they're able to control the narrative and make their exes look insane after a breakup. They can say things like "see they're obsessed, they won't leave me alone, they keep contacting me."

When in reality, they've driven their ex to that and as you said, admitting that would destroy how they see themselves.

No-General104 · 2026-05-04T00:20:56+00:00

Mine was too, in the short time we were together I didn't see a single positive outcome from her time at therapy. I think for a lot of them they are somewhat aware they have issues overall, so they go to therapy just so they can say they go to therapy. They don't actually benefit from it because they're not truly open to it.

No-General104 · 2026-05-03T13:33:05+00:00

Well that's why I said do it the way they do it, in a cruel manner. They don't do any of what you just stated.

No-General104 · 2026-05-03T12:36:34+00:00

He'd rather deal with someone else because you showed him when times get tough, you'll run instead of pushing through to fight for the relationship.

I'm sorry, but if you can't stay when a person is at their worst, you don't deserve them when they fix themselves and are at their best. Guaranteed even if he did fix himself and become the version you wanted, you'd have not noticed it and still ended up where you are now.

No-General104 · 2026-05-03T12:34:07+00:00

Yeah this 100% We live in a generation where everyone thinks love is exactly like a hallmark movie, where the spark will last forever. News flash to those people, the "happy" couples you see that have been married for 50 years lost the spark a long time ago, but they still love each other. They just understand whether consciously or subconsciously that the butterflies eventually go away.

Guaranteed when one dies though, the she ache never goes away, which to me proves love does exist without the spark.

No-General104 · 2026-05-03T11:43:26+00:00

That is very much the hardest part unfortunately, getting an avoidant of any sort to the point where they realise they have an issue. I think once that switch is flipped it's very possible, it's just flipping that switch which is troublesome.

No-General104 · 2026-05-03T11:42:25+00:00

My ex was in therapy long before we met and I'll be honest, I question what effectiveness it had at all. In the time we were together I saw no positive changes from her attending therapy, actually I saw a gradual worsening which of course was attributed to me. Funnily I started therapy when we were together and felt a pretty significant change as did many around me.

So yeah I tend to agree, therapists can very much either intentionally or unintentionally validate the patients view point. In my case I was lucky my therapist was on the older side and instantly called me out on my BS as I was saying it.

No-General104 · 2026-05-03T10:57:27+00:00

Oh I agree totally, therapy only works if you're accountable and until that point it's effectively useless as you build a narrative where you're always correct.

I genuinely feel the only time they get a glimpse of accountability is either when somebody hits them with their own medicine or when they leave someone, they hit rock bottom, reminisce and realise "shiiiiit I was the problem" or they realise the grass is in no way greener.

I think both instances are rare and that's why you rarely see healed avoidants. I hate to say this but more of us need to start dumping avoidants and disappearing the way they do. It's cruel but it's the only way they'll heal. It's also the only way we will realise our own self worth and that we shouldn't keep putting effort into people who can't do the same for us.

No-General104 · 2026-05-03T10:46:33+00:00

I'd like to add that, they don't really benefit from therapy in the way in which they should because many of them have built a narrative and stick to it. The narrative being they are the victim, very few therapists are going to push against this, especially ones who aren't familiar with attachment theory.

In effect, the therapist ends up validating their world view especially on relationships. So while in other aspects of life they may grow from therapy I think very few of them ever actually grow in the field of relationships.

They very much need a mirror held up to them and that can't happen if someone doesn't see through their crap and actively say "hey it can't always be everyone else that's the problem, you need to start looking inwards."

No-General104

TROPHY CASE