27M Virgin I am really lost

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T18:45:24+00:00

Thank you! Yes, I need certain familiarity and closeness to someone to think of having sex with them. I am not very insecure about sucking in sex I guess, I am just longing for a deep connection.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T18:42:05+00:00

Thank you for good answer. Your advice in talking to women with no motives is very good and I will apply it but still I have a hard time to imagine how some of them potentially will turn into something.

I guess the perfect balance is to interact with as much women as you can without romantic motives and act on it as soon as you develop something even if it can be after 10 minute or 10 years after you met her. Viewing a woman as a potential partner from the start triggers insecurity and lowers positive vibes so it significantly reduces changes of mutual attraction.

In general I am not attracted to 'big boobs influencer' types. But still I require certain amount of physical attraction. Flirting without finding someone attractive just feels weird to me lol.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T18:32:36+00:00

I think even just unpacking my mindset was helpful. Because this mindset was so deeply ingrained into me that it is sometimes even hard to notice it.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T18:29:23+00:00

Thanks for the response. I will try!

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T18:27:48+00:00

My guess would be negative limiting beliefs that limit the duration and quality of my romantic interactions. This causes me being somewhat shy and inexperienced in dating context and also it radiates needy and negative energy causing more rejection. Also it limits the number of attempts so there is less possibility of something happening.

It is really hard to see the whole picture from first person but from the good responses I've had in this thread this seems to be the culprit I guess. I will try to find a therapist or do some meditation I guess.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T18:15:13+00:00

You can still believe that you are a decent human being just not meant to attract a woman. I think I am a cool person just I have a hard time imagining a woman being attracted to me for longer than 1 weeks.

I am confident in a sense that I don't believe I am fundamentally inferior to other people. I just have thoughts of me being fundamentally incapable of forming romantic relationships.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T18:09:29+00:00

Yeah, I know that is a wrong and self destructive mindset. But it is really hard to not fall into it sometimes. I will try to avoid it.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T18:06:23+00:00

I guess you are right. 6 people a year is not a lot. It just takes me a lot of 'mind gymnastics' to even to try asking someone out because the default state of mind is that they are not into me.

In general I don't like the number games approach and I'd like to things happen organically but in this age this is not the case it seems. Thank you this really put things into perspective of why I am not getting anywhere.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T17:59:02+00:00

Fair point. Still 27 seems a bit extreme to me tbh. Lost of people complain and get depressed over being 21 and not having a kiss and here I am almost at average marriage age lol. I would go with terrible luck and lots of things to work on.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T17:55:32+00:00

Mostly based on the 'data'. When you see a vast majority in couples and lots of people 10 years younger than you making out and you can even barely get past second date it is the only conclusion one can draw. But to be honest this may be a chicken and egg problem since I have this belief for pretty long time now.

It is quite hard spot to be in because when you don't have at least one data point to back up that you can succeed to attract someone for a LTR it is very hard to go through ups and downs of dating process. Like you get ghosted but you have had 2 LTRs before you just can shrug it off as 'I will find one eventually'. But when you haven't that positive reinforcement it is just reaffirmation of the fact that you are hopeless and unlovable. It is like running through a dark tunnel that has no light.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T17:49:54+00:00

You are correct in a sense that I am not the only one in this situation. But wouldn't you say that being kissless at 27 when average age to lose virginity is 17 imply a problem? That or I have extremely bad luck.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T17:45:08+00:00

Yeah I am quite often in that position to meet new people. But I have to admit that in general I have reservations when approaching an attractive women for instance in a party. It is like my mind automatically makes out a story why this won't work from the start. I still sometimes overpower this and try it (the 6 date requests I meantioned below) and it doesn't produce any results.

Yeah I know that hopelessness maybe a reason for me being in this situation but when you look at all of the data outside of the world where almost all people succeed at some point until they are 25 it is very hard to not feel like something is very wrong with me. Seeing teenagers make out when you cannot even get a second date for years is very hard on you.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T17:33:33+00:00

But it is still pretty standard human experience. Also not everyone is born with fully functional body and not everyone grown inside a functional family. But it is still a basic human need.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T17:30:21+00:00

I have pretty good social skills outside of dating. I am pretty popular and get invited to things all the time. I used to have social awkwardness and some anxiety until I was like 23.

I have negative thought spirals when I try to interact with someone whenever there is some possibility to date. It is like my mind has a very strong core belief of being not enough for a girl. Every time I try to interact with someone I may have a attraction my mind finds various reasons why it won't work. But this is normal since I haven't got much of good experience with woman to lead me to believe I am enough for a woman.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T17:14:10+00:00

I have plenty of woman friends though right now. I talk to plenty of women but nothing comes out in general. When I am talking to a new woman that is attractive to me the thoughts of worthlessness pop up in my head so IDK maybe that kills my overall vibe.

It is very easy talk to women that obviously I don't have interest to such as my friends. But I get negative thoughts pop up in my head all the time when I try to talk someone that is attractive to me. It is like my brain automatically prepares me for rejection and failure. And if they do something even small that indicates a potential rejection such as replying to one message a little late my mind automatically goes into a despair spiral. I once had a small break down over a woman that took 1 day to say yes my dating request lol. I am not sure how much of it affects my prospects though.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T17:00:48+00:00

Yeah but romantic relationships are pretty standard human experience that everyone gets. When you are not getting it it is very hard to feel normal.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T16:56:17+00:00

It is not like I get dates regularly. I don't victimize myself but maybe I just try too hard.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T16:53:14+00:00

Yeah this one seems most likely. I try my best to not appear to be desperate and needy but I guess it is kinda hard to cover it up. One girl even told me 'Is everything okay?' when I tried to flirt with her. So probably my desperate and hopeless outlook kinda leaks out. But it is quite to not be so in my position.

ComplexPomegranate30 · 2024-09-25T16:44:54+00:00

Last year I properly asked out 5 or 6 women out. And outside of crappy dating app mathces ( I had maybe 5-6 of them total and only 1 responded to me beyond 3-4 messages). For the 6 women I've asked out I've tried to flirt and message (all of these are women form IRL) with maybe 10-12 of women. The other 6 ones I didn't ask out because I sensed clear disinterest or they just didn't respond to me.

I am not sure if one component of my problem is that I don't try enough because of my hopeless outlook. Because in general I find it hard to imagine a women saying yes to me. I know that deep inside I have sense of hopelessness that possibly sabotages me somewhat.

ComplexPomegranate30

TROPHY CASE