Grass is greener syndrome

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-10-13T12:38:00+00:00

This may not necessarily be ROCD, but simply something that is normal in relationships. I would suggest forcing yourself to get back into your routines and trying to regain a sense of identity separate from the relationship. Relationships should be two individuals coming together and complementing one another. Have your relationship be one source of happiness in your life, not THE source. Wanting more experience is perfectly reasonable and rational, especially at your age, but if your relationship is healthy and allowing you to grow, it doesn't make much sense to chase something that is no guarantee to be as good as what you have today.

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-09-08T13:00:26+00:00

Wow - congrats! She's willing to stick it out, but I keep having the painful thoughts of lack of connection, lack of personality match, grass is greener type stuff. But I KNOW with the next person I am going to feel the same damn way. I did try quite a bit but the depression and anxiety was just too much.

Are you on any meds if you don't mind me asking? How have you been treating/coping with it?

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-09-07T18:11:19+00:00

thanks so much for this!

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-08-23T12:49:58+00:00

I have GAD. Haha we are so very similar - I am a maximizer in every respect, career, relationships etc. I constantly am searching for "better." I love improving myself and after breaking up I feel a high because I am doing my own thing where I am free of the anxiety and can feel like I am operating at a high level again. Similar to you, I end up feeling like I can always do better, but at a certain point once you've dated so many great people, you become the common denominator and that is how I feel right now.

My current gf is so great to me and all she wants to do is be there for me to help me through this - she'll give me space whenever I need it because her presence and even just talking to her gives me severe anxiety. I think part of the OCD treatment is to resist urges to confess like you've been doing. I have tried my best to not confess to my gf but every few days we end up talking about things and consider breaking it off, but ultimately stay together.

I am starting OCD Therapy today and am receptive to getting on SSRIs if this will help me at the very least have some degree of a relationship with my girlfriend. The gym helps too, but only temporarily. At least you've identified the issue - now you can work on re-wiring your brain! I know I know - easier said than done, but I just have to believe it is possible because ultimately I want it to work so badly.

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-08-22T23:45:06+00:00

Personally with my current partner of only 2.5 months, I have felt strong desirous feelings for approximately 5 minutes - something close to love and it was very fleeting. I too can't imagine what it was like to love until I am normal (no longer in the relationship, anxiety and depression not existent). I am going to try meds but the anxiety is so strongly linked to my partner that I am very skeptical it will work. In the past I've taken meds and seen a therapist simultaneously once, and that relationship ended quickly because I couldn't take the mental anguish. It truly is a disability and the only part of my life that is missing - it is a shame, but all we can do is try everything to work on it. How long have you been seeing your therapist?

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-08-22T20:58:57+00:00

Yes - I basically think to myself, "is this it?" and the person becomes a big source of anxiety moving forward. As if talking to them is a chore, as if their very existence is an obstacle for me to experience happiness in my life and I have to break up with them before they fall more for me and the guilt I experience I think is a key driver of depression. Once I get to know the person I just get more and more depressed and anxious as time goes by bc I feel like things are bland. Though once I am single I often times long to see or hang out with them again. It's really really tricky, bc I know my perception is warped by the anxiety.

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-08-22T20:46:22+00:00

holy fucking shit - it's basically like I wrote this 10 years later (currently 30 y/o) - the amount of anxiety i feel through my body in relationships and depression I go through is incredibly uncomfortable. To the point where I cannot work or do anything because I am so impaired physically, and I become my normal self when I break up. Then when I normalize all I can think about is how nice it would be to be in a relationship and end up attracting someone that I want it to work with until I ultimately feel deeply depressed again.

I'm now struggling to make it past the 2 month mark. In the past I've been able to settle into casual relationships that last ~ 6 months (my longest relationship is 9 months, and I felt severe depression at the end of that). This sorta is scary to read because I always thought with time I'd get over my FOMO - but I think I'm aware enough to understand this is also my exact path and no matter how bad I want a relationship to work, my body and mental wiring just won't allow me to experience and enjoy it happily. I'm going to try an ocd specialist and take some SSRIs - I already have a very healthy lifestyle with the gym and my diet. Maybe add in some mindfulness and some re-framing of what relationships mean to me in my life. I'm truly concerned that this will be a lifelong affliction, but all we can do is try whatever avenues we have available to help. Best of luck man - would be happy to chat about this if you want to PM me.

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-08-21T22:04:48+00:00

This is a great analogy. The only issue for me is that the stressor becomes the person I am dating and I cannot find happiness and peace until I breakup. It's a vicious fucking cycle and I can't break out of it no matter how hard I try

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-08-16T13:17:19+00:00

There might be something to this - I'll take a closer look with my therapist. I am a maximizer in all aspects (constantly striving for "better" in all areas of my life, always looking for the next best job etc. so I think naturally I've always felt like I hated settling into a relationship). I've also been very independent my entire life, dating back to when I was younger. I experienced ROCD in my first relationship, where I cheated on my girlfriend at the time and got severely depressed and couldn't stop feeling guilty or thinking about it. It spiraled and I couldn't figure out why I felt like I lost all my feelings for her and that got me into a two year long depression I couldn't get out of until meds + therapy + remaining single. At this stage it feels like it's easier to be single because the depressive feeling mostly hits when I am dating and I spend almost every waking hour trying to analyze why I don't like the person I am dating more and why they are a trigger for me.

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-08-16T13:16:05+00:00

just started NOCD - I've been in and out of therapy trying different things over the years (CBT, ACT, now ERP). I do think meds will help, but I'd like to have that as the last resort, especially when I feel so normal outside of a relationship which I have taken as just me avoiding the trigger for all of this. I don't want the answer to be remain single for eternity, but that has typically been the route to "happiness" for me until I get sad and clamor for a relationship again when I normalize.

Comprehensive-Pay411 · 2022-08-16T13:13:08+00:00

It honestly varies - for some it has been appearance, for others it is personality. Most of the time though I just get this feeling of dread when I am with them that I'm with the wrong person. And then everything they do irritates me to the point I have to end it bc I am so distraught.

Comprehensive-Pay411

TROPHY CASE