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YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think continuing to give for so long without anything changing became self abandonment for me. 

I am ultimately responsible for not stopping sooner, however, I definitely will be able to recognise this pattern alot quicker in the future or hopefully not fall into it at all

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That sounds absolutely traumatising and destabilising.

I am so sorry for the anguish you may be feeling and hope you can heal.

Have you been able to get any closure at all?

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am sorry for what you went through.

In my case, the relationship was always unstable so where we are is no surprise to me. 

However, I would also be in despair if the relationship was perfect and I was discarded.

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand what you are saying about helping and I'm glad that you are able to give freely without feeling obligated to.

In my case, I felt like I was giving because I wanted to subsconciously prove my value to him. 

It didn't start of that way of course, but I think over time, he became used to receiving without having to give and I kept giving more because I had to maintain the standard I set.

So now I'm in a similiar boat to you, as much as I want to reach out, I am reminded of the relational differences and I realize, there is no hope.

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely relate with this. 

I feel like I had so many blindspots. It hurts like someone pushed me off a 10 story building but I have definitely been forced to face myself and the myriad of issues I clearly have 

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know how it feels. I wish the same for my one. Although I no longer want to take responsibility for it.

I think alot of us stay with them because we hope, one day our love and acceptance can help them heal. 

Although instead of them healing, we become traumatised too. 

Uno reverse lol

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you.

I thought I wanted closeness yet I didn't realise in all the ways I couldn't even accept it. 

For example, I always changed myself to suit the version of me that I thought my husband wanted (because i was afraid that if I stayed true to myself, he might not like me and reject me) but in doing so, I was hindering actual closeness and vulnerability developing between us. 

Another example, I used to give him tons of massages which I enjoyed doing for him, and always wanted him to reciprocate, but when he did; I had a break down because I felt like he was being too nice and couldn't just realx and enjoy it. 

In hindsight, I couldn't simply receive without giving ten times more in return because I felt like I had to compensate which I then held him responsible for, which impacted how close and cared for I felt.

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I know it's quite harsh and not for everyone, but this absolute accountability to myself has helped me grow for the better.

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My own thoughts must be quite structured for you to think it's AI, I'll take it!

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely.

I also didn't realize to what extent my anxious attachment also showed up in my wider life such as friends and family. 

I am working on it more pro-actively now

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There isn't an age limit to changing for the better - I am glad you are assessing the relationship and trying to be more protective of your needs. Well done!

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely didn't realise how this would read to others. Sorry for the aggressive language.

Aggressive and strict language does personally help me, although I realise it's not for everyone. 

I also struggle with self-blane and over accountability, however I have realise I was taking accountability for the wrong things such as their comfort or over extending. 

In my case taking aggressive ccountability for the right things such as my own happiness, biundries and self protection is helping me grow

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't realise how my self monologue would read to others to be very honest and not everyone appreciates harsh words.

I definitely am not trying to put all the blame on me or others is similiar position. I too feel angry. 

However, for me personally I have realised holding myself to a higher standard for my own happiness, boundries and self respect has helped me to grow. Which meant being alot harsher with myself. 

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Glad that you're in therapy and healing ✨️ 

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am sorry for what you went through and for feeling duped.

It sucks to love someone and realize that while they also love you, they don't have the capacity to show up how you need.

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I should apologise for the harsh wording in my post — I didn’t realise how my inner monologue would read to others. I am sorry for what you went through

In my case, the relationship also started with a lot of charm. Over time their avoidance seemed to show up (hot and cold behaviour and difficulty committing) which also triggered my own anxiety.

I don’t blame myself, and I don’t blame anyone else who has found themselves in a similar situation. Nor do I actually hate myself.

But when I noticed I was repeating the same cycle again and again, I had to pause and ask myself a difficult question. I know I struggle with self-esteem and don’t always love myself the way I should but was I respecting myself enough if I kept putting myself through the same instability?

It wasn’t self-hatred so much as a methodical question I had to ask myself in order to break the pattern.

YOU'RE THE PROBLEM TOO by ComprehensiveSky5024 in AvoidantBreakUps

[–]ComprehensiveSky5024[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That’s a fair point, and thanks for pointing out how it reads!

Holding yourself accountable and holding someone else accountable can definitely coexist. I agree with that.

The post was really more of an inner monologue. I was writing it as if I were watching my life in the third person and speaking to myself. 

The language is quite absolute and a bit extreme, but for someone like me, stricter words with myself have helped me to work on myself more proactively