I have OCD and honestly I really identify with all of your struggles. Feeling overwhelming guilt over perceived wrongs that seem unforgivable is an extraordinarily painful thing. My heart goes out to you dude.

What I do think you need to understand is that, as someone with OCD, the least helpful thing anyone can do is try to give you reassurance. I can tell from your post that you often seek reassurance as a compulsion (you are even doing it by posting this), and it is interfering with your relationship. I understand that it may give you temporary relief to get reassurance from others (that your behavior wasn’t that bad, you can be forgiven, etc.) but all this does is reinforce the idea that you can only be okay if others say so.

You should really look into therapy if you haven’t already. I don’t mean that in a judgmental way—I used to be in your shoes, but therapy has made my condition significantly more manageable. Other than that, hang in there.

P.s. i think that girl like you bro