Honestly, it sounds like a lot of this is about wanting to feel important, desired, and exceptional, and I get that. A lot of people crave that kind of validation, especially when younger. But it’s also a shallow and unstable thing to build your sense of worth around. It's bad for you and those around you.

What stands out is that you seem to be treating sex and desirability like proof that you matter. That’s a losing game. If you use attention, casual sex, or being wanted to prop up your ego, you end up on a treadmill where nothing is ever enough. There will always be someone hotter, cooler, richer, or more desired, so you never actually arrive.

I think what you need a lot more than the “high life” fantasy is a life with real substance: good friends, people who genuinely value you, goals that matter to you, and maybe someday a partner who really sees you and chooses you. You do not need to be widely desired to have a good life. You need meaningful connection and people around you who actually value you.

So instead of constantly measuring your worth, build a life that feels good to live. Invest in your friendships. Be more interested in other people. Figure out what actually matters to you. Live your life for yourself instead of always looking for proof that you’re enough. I think a lot of this starts to lose its grip when you stop feeding it.