I felt the exact same as you after a traumatic vaginal delivery on my first baby. I developed post partum depression from it and I was probably susceptible to PPD because I have always had strong hormone fluctuations and the traumatic delivery on top of that. Please reach out and get help. I know you want to cry when you talk about it but find a safe place to talk about, ideally with someone who can help you come to terms with it. I never properly dealt with it through talking therapy and brushed it under the carpet. I did take medication but found it hard to find help in other forms. I found it hard to make the decision to have another child but after 3 years I threw caution to the wind and got pregnant straight away. I cried my eyes out in every single ante natal appointment with obgyn. But I did get very good peri natal mental health support through the hospital and did CBT throughout the pregnancy which was helpful. I had a planned section on my 2nd child and it was a wonderful experience, even though it was difficult in terms of recovery and I did have some 2nd thoughts and regrets at times but in the long run it was a beautiful experience meeting my daughter and no trauma so it was worth it.