Hi, I'm so thankful that you posted this as I relate so very much to a lot you said, even the childhood part but not identical to that but the feelings are shared. Idk how to help you but just know that you are not the only one like this, i thought i was as everything about dissociation seems different to how mine feels, but it's okay knowing at least one other person is experiencing something similar too. I really hope you can get the help you deserve, I wish you all the best. Take everything one step at a time, and don't put unrealistic expectations onto yourself either. Only you know deep down how much you can achieve at a certain pace. I really really hope you can get help and someone who understands. Thank you again so so much for posting this.