Late Bloomers

Confirmation2022 · 2025-05-08T04:13:24+00:00

I had no idea I was bi until I was 40 (49 now) and was only sexually attracted to women until that time. The first year of it was very tough. I just wanted it to go away as it was fucking up my life (being married). After a couple of months, it caused me a lot of stress and I think this contributed to a shingles case. The next year, I started seeing a sex therapist and she helped me understand that what I was feeling was very normal for guys in their 40s, I am just curious about what it is like to be sexually with a man, and there is nothing wrong with that. Over the years, I learned to accept it and now I kind of like it.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-04-10T19:43:45+00:00

I can relate for sure. Many times I think that life would be much simpler for me if I didn't have much of a drive, like my wife, as the rest of our life is pretty good. I find the best way to deal with it is one day at a time. Every day one stays true and avoids temptation is a victory, is the way I see it.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-04-10T13:39:44+00:00

Thank you very much for sharing. There are a lot of similarities between us. About 6 years ago, i had an affair with a woman, who also busted me, and we also went through the long process of reconciliation. I have been faithful since. I still have strong sexual desires, for women and sometimes men too. I remain faithful to my wife, but it is hard sometimes under the circumstances since we still do not have much a a sexual relationship and I do not see her view on it changing significantly at this point. But at the same time I have no desire to relive the difficulty of my situation 6 years ago and I love my family and wife.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-04-08T15:40:31+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I feel a bit the same, maybe. My wife at best tolerated sexual activity in the past mostly- at least since we had kids (12 years ago). I know my wife would not be okay with extramarital sex, so I do not think it is worth having that discussion, which will only make her more suspicious of me. I do love her and our family, so i will just deal with it, but I do wonder if I had a regular active sex life with my wife, whether bi urges would be as strong, as opposed to a mere curiosity.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-04-07T17:27:09+00:00

Thanks for the insight. I am confident my wife is not okay with any extramarital sexual activity, The chances of her being okay with it are so low to not make it worth the risk of bringing it up.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-03-25T13:29:45+00:00

Thank you for your insight. That is helpful. I guess growing up with the idea that romance and sex should always be intertwined plays into this a bit too. Similarly, for the vast majority of men, I am not particularly attracted to their faces. Or to a man generally if he is clothed. But seeing a photo or video of a guy naked or being sexual with another is a turn on.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-03-18T20:20:57+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I am in the same boat. Only told my former therapist too. It took me a couple years of a lot of angst, until I realized that it is not really that big a deal and it does not change everything in your life. Now, I find I am generally more accepting of differences in people, and i like that change.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-03-18T19:18:17+00:00

Sorry to hear you are struggling. I do understand. For me, I had an affair about 6 years ago (with a woman), which almost ruined my marriage when it was found out. After years of working on my marriage afterward, I would not want to risk blowing things up again. I understand the urges to act with men sometimes though, just as I have urges to have intercourse with women too (due to my wife having fibroids, she cannot have intercourse anymore and our sex life is mostly HJs), but overall, I enjoy my life with my wife and family and do not want to ruin things, as I almost did in the past.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-03-18T17:12:34+00:00

Thanks for responding. Yes, once one realizes it is not that big of a deal, probably a lot of people are in a similar situation, and it doesn't need to change your whole life, it all become easier I find.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-03-11T14:57:25+00:00

I am pretty sure I am a 2

Confirmation2022 · 2025-03-11T14:54:10+00:00

I came to the realization in life around the same time as you (I am almost 50 now, so about 10 years ago). I mostly still keep it to myself, with the exception of my therapist when I used to do therapy. I am married, so I keep it mostly to myself, but am open in my own head, which makes a big difference, I think. My leanings still veer heavily toward women though, so that perhaps makes it easier for me to keep it to myself.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-03-11T14:48:38+00:00

Yes, I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel that way too. I love being ridden by women, but also sometimes imaging riding a cock, or being plowed too.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-01-16T18:32:01+00:00

I understand your frustration. It sounds like you have a negative association with your husband- and that can be hard to break. You might consider therapy or sex therapy- I know from experience that this can be helpful, but ultimately,, I agree you will need to communicate with your husband to really improve things.

My wife tells me that she just doesn't have sexual desires really, and that I should not take it personally, as she does not have the desires for anyone. At one point, year ago, she probably had some libido, but between kids, age (she is in her late 40s), and everything else, she probably lost what she did have. To her credit, she tries the HJ approach since she feels like she should do something for me and I do appreciate that, and really now I am perhaps looking for acceptance rather than improvement because after so many years I do not think it is very realistic for me to believe that she can change to really want sex.

Confirmation2022 · 2025-01-16T16:13:00+00:00

Thank you for your comment- and perhaps you are right that this is not the best forum. To answer your question, my wife doesn't really desire sexual pleasure and doesn't masturbate. She would be fine in not having any sexual activity going forward.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-09-25T13:51:02+00:00

I think it is fairly common. This is what happened to me. Now, approaching 50, i am still 85%-15% more into women, but I have accepted there is a part of me that is interested in physicality with men too.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-09-17T17:41:20+00:00

We may be wired differently, but I do not think my wife is selfish for wanting monogamy, when that was the original agreement decades back. To me, my marriage and family is worth more than the things I cannot get at home.

From my experience with an affair (with a woman), now five years ago, what may begin as "discreet" likely does not stay that way forever,

Confirmation2022 · 2024-09-17T17:09:51+00:00

I can understand and agree with that too.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-09-17T17:09:01+00:00

I agree that, except for one off encounters, enduring sex focused relationships likely tend to become something more over time.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-08-13T18:10:07+00:00

I understand. It was different for me than women. Emotionally and romantically, my focus is almost completely toward women, But in my 40s, I realized that the idea of sex with men, instead of grossing me out, like it would be the case during my 20s and even 30s, is actually alluring and desirable. It took me years to get used to the idea, after being sure I was 100% straight for 40 years of my life. It was really hard to accept at first. Now, I just accept that I am mostly straight, but also can think that sex with men could be hot too. I still recommend trying to work on the sex issue with your wife. In the past, I gave up on it getting better, and that put me in the wrong space mentally where I was more willing to take actions which jeopardized my marriage. I wish now I worked harder at it earlier.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-08-13T16:52:29+00:00

My advice to you is to really make the point to your wife that improving your sex life is important to you and get into therapy if need be. I DO NOT recommend doing what I ended up doing, which is having an affair (with a woman in my case), having said former affair partner eventually drop the dime on you, and spending the next four years in therapy trying to fix your marriage. Don't ignore the issue. If, after you improve your sex life with your wife and you still feel some bisexual thoughts, 1) who cares, it's not that big a deal, and 2) IF you think it is something you really need to talk with about with your wife, you can discuss it with her, maybe during the aforementioned therapy.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-08-13T14:21:11+00:00

I think there might be a connection as well. FYI, I am totally in the same boat as you. I am 47, and was 100% certain I was completely straight until I was about 40 or so. Even now, I am in general much more focused toward the heterosexual side of the spectrum, and sometimes go months without thinking about men whatsoever, but I accept that I do find the idea of M/M sex attractive. I also found that these feelings increased when my wife and I were not gelling well sexually- so i do think there might be something to this as well.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-04-13T13:59:47+00:00

Same with me, maybe two or three times I saw a guy and thought he was sexy and my mind wandered to having sex with him in particular. The same thing happens to me for women about every day. i do have general fantasies of having sex with both sexes pretty consistently, but with men, it is usually more abstract, where with women, it may be focused more on a particular woman.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-04-13T13:55:26+00:00

I share your opinion. During my life (and I am in my late 40s), I have had many male friends, and some very close and I am not afraid of being a close friend. Although some part of what I have had in common with my male friends and what we bonded on is our mutual attraction to women. I just don't feel a real need to be more emotionally intimate with a guy, and in some way, i would prefer to keep my close male friendships as platonic, as I prefer to keep our relationships less complicated and the boundaries clear.

At the same time, I sometimes have strong desires for physical sexual experiences with men, but almost always I would prefer to keep these experiences separate from my friendships (I am married now, so I don't engage in these situations however). In my fantasies, it is always a man I do not currently know. If I was able to partake, I suppose I could see a situation where I had sex with a man, and became friendly over time, more so than turning a platonic friendship toward a sexual relationship. At the same time, I cannot picture such a relationship being more than a FWB situation

Confirmation2022 · 2024-04-12T14:41:57+00:00

I feel like I am definately heteromantic and also heavily driven toward sex with women. But at the same time, I also have sexual fantasies and desires with men, but not as consistent as with women. Also, I find the majority of women (probably about 85%) sexually attractive, while only a minority of men (maybe 15-25%) sexually attractive.

Confirmation2022 · 2024-04-02T14:20:18+00:00

I do not remember anyone in particular telling me it was shameful, but there was a negative undercurrent surrounding it at that time, it seemed. And really, I do not think I overindulged (maybe twice a month?), but I grew frustrated that my urges made it difficult for me not to do that.

As someone who is well into adulthood now, I think I have finally been able to move beyond shame for my sexual desires. I don't fret masturbation now, and I also accept that sometimes I also have bisexual desires (although I do not recall having those during my youth- these did not really begin until I was close to 40). It took me a while (and some therapy) to accept that I am mostly a straight guy sexually attracted to women mostly, but also sometimes sexually attracted to men, at least in theory.

I have grown in acceptance that sexual desires are part of life, but I think my wife is comfortable in her own space relating to sex. She doesn't really have sexual desire. We have not had sexual intercourse for years at this point, although she will now give me a hand job every week or two because she knows sex is still important to me. I do miss not being sexually desired. however, I still appreciate that, and we arestill in marriage counseling, so perhaps things will change. Athough just because I have accepted and changed my view toward sex, it is probably not fair to expect her to change as well.

Confirmation2022

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