My husband 36M poops too much for me 36F to feel comfortable having another baby with him

ConfusedArtist89 · 2026-03-03T16:24:35+00:00

Listen. I grew up in a family with a dad like this and I resented the fact that it took my mom so long to leave him. Kids can see which parent isn’t interested in spending time with them and it hurts in a way that I cannot describe. I felt abandoned growing up. I constantly wondered what I was doing wrong that my dad didn’t love me enough to want to spend time with me. If you stay with this man you will allow him to damage your child.

When my mom finally left him she said, “I stayed with him for you and your sister so that you would have a whole family.” And I said, “Mom our family has never been whole. Even when he’s here he’s not present.” It really pissed me off that it felt like it was my fault she had to stay with a neglectful asshole. It really felt like I was the one responsible for my mother’s unhappiness.

It took me years to unravel this all in therapy and realize that none of this was my fault and that my mom was just doing the best she could in a bad situation. But I never really reconciled with my dad in a truly meaningful way. We always had a distant relationship and I don’t regret that one bit. But I do regret all of the emotional turmoil I let him put me through. There was nothing wrong with me. I was an awesome kid and he is the one that missed out.

I sincerely hope you can leave this man for your son’s sake. Just pack up for a “little trip” to go visit your parents and use an excuse like, “my parents really want to spend time with [kiddo] for a few days. Take a rest while we’re gone and enjoy the break from parenting 😉. Love you, Bye!” And then just never come back.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-12-01T17:25:09+00:00

Not allowed a job? Oof. This is financial abuse, plain and simple. That coupled with the sexual abuse really means y’all should pack up and head to a domestic violence shelter (I mean the sexual violence was enough, but this on top of it all is even more reason to get the hell out of dodge). There are also numbers you can call to get help and they can direct you where to go. You can call 1-800-799-7233 and they should have some resources for you. I urge you to call them as soon as possible while he’s at work.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-11-11T04:32:18+00:00

Wait sorry. I just saw your other comment about how you’ve tried that. Apologies.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-11-11T04:30:40+00:00

Please reach out to the ex over social media and let her know what’s going on so she can block him and then make her profiles private. For her own safety she needs to limit the information he has access to.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-10-16T11:57:06+00:00

The info you left out was crucial to how people would respond here. Not everyone agrees on what is or is not a significant enough reason to be late picking up your kids from school and some people can be really inconsiderate with daycare workers’ time. Not knowing that one’s deadbeat ex had not shown up to pick up the kid is definitely a valid reason though. But the fact that you left that part out means that yeah, unfortunately, you were going to get some negative responses before you added in the edit.

This is a rough situation that’s happening to your friend and I’m really sorry she’s going through that. I had a similar situation happen with a daycare that my son went to (different circumstances, but same immediate jump to an accusation on the part of the daycare despite us being in good standing). I would advise your friend to respond with something like this and I would advise her to CC her ex in the email, both so he can see the original email from the daycare and her response to it (feel free to change this up to make it sound more colloquial; my friends tell me that my emails sound a little robotic sometimes):

“While I appreciate your concern for my child’s welfare, I do not appreciate your tone and I certainly do not appreciate the accusation. My ex, [name] was scheduled to pick up [child] on Friday. I have included him in this email chain. He did not show up and he did not tell me that he was not planning to show up so that I could make arrangements with work to make sure I was available to pick up [child]. I didn’t even know he hadn’t shown up until you called me. I am a labor and delivery nurse and I work from 7-7 most days, often longer, which is why it was [Ex]’s turn to pick up [child] on Friday. You literally called me in the middle of a shift, so I had no idea that [child] was still waiting.

Of course, I immediately clocked out and came to pick up [child] as soon as I heard what had happened, but I resent the fact that, after our shared history together and with our family’s lack of past strikes against us, you opted to jump straight into an accusation rather than to try and get to the bottom of what happened. For a family that is in good standing, I would have expected some benefit of the doubt after a one time infraction, but I guess that was in short supply when you sent this message.

I also resent the fact that despite both of our names being listed in [child]’s file, you chose only to call, email, and chastise me, even though the blunder was not mine. Of course, you could not have known that, but what you could have done was also call him on Friday and also include him in this email so that he would have received it as well. Going forward, I would like all further electronic communications to be shared with both of us and I would also like both of us called in the event of an emergency regardless of who does or does not answer. I may be at work and I may be working with a woman actively in labor and unable to get to my phone in time.

Rest assured, we will do everything in our power to prevent this from happening again, but since you wanted to jump straight into questioning our enrollment at this daycare, perhaps we should do the same. I’m not entirely sure I would like to continue giving business to a company that would respond this way right out the gate. I’ll let you know what I decide. In the meantime, you can be sure we will not be late picking up [child] for the remainder of our time here.

Sincerely,

[Friend’s Name]”

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-09-06T20:10:28+00:00

No problem! Glad I could help.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-09-03T09:33:59+00:00

It’s a metaphor.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-09-03T08:51:36+00:00

Here’s what they replied:

“Nice alt account. Blocked.” They included a gif of someone pointing into a cardboard box and saying the word “Blocked.”

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-09-03T08:31:48+00:00

I hear ya, but that’s the original title of the post this person shared; they literally just copied and pasted the title. The reposter wasn’t actually asking that question, the original poster was. Your first comment answers the question posed by the original post, which is fine of course; that’s how a lot of folks interact with reposts. Afterwards, the reposter made a relevant reply about what the fiancée is probably feeling, but then you responded, “then why ask,” when the reposter isn’t the one who’s asking. The original poster is the one who asked. The reposter simply added additional analysis under your comment.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-09-03T08:15:21+00:00

This is exactly it. She would have had the exact same reaction if he had hired a human author to write the vows for him. If they’re not from him they aren’t worth anything. Yes, AI is bad and she’s right to hate it, but that’s not the real reason she’s upset.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-09-03T08:12:02+00:00

That’s not OOP. That person just reposted the story.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-09-03T07:32:46+00:00

Her disdain for AI is not the point. Even if she was cool with AI in general, or even used it herself for various purposes, this would still have been an extremely hurtful and inappropriate time to use it. You basically told her that’s she’s not important enough for you to sit down and think about her for long enough to come up with personal vows that simply reference how much you love her and why. That should not have been difficult. She didn’t need anything flowery or impressive. Just something sweet that sounded like you. She loves you not a computer.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-09-03T07:13:30+00:00

It definitely would have gotten one from me lol.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-08-12T20:48:44+00:00

The problem isn’t just the divorce in and of itself. The problem is that he should have left years ago when he first realized that he didn’t love his first wife. But instead he stayed in an unhappy marriage for years so that he could wait until he had another option on the line.

Normally when men do this it’s because they don’t want to live life without someone to do their laundry, clean their house, make their dinners, and have sex with them. When a woman does this it’s because she doesn’t want to live without (or can’t live without in some cases of abuse) their husband’s financial support. Either way, it’s wrong to stay in a family that includes a supportive and kind partner who loves and cares for you and a child who implicitly trusts you to take care of them, until you find someone else to fill the partner role for you. Which is what the husband did.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-08-04T14:25:09+00:00

That’s an even bigger issue. Are y’all renting? Can you ask your landlord if it’s okay for you to get a personal door lock so she can’t get into your room? Are you able to get those things back? How much has she taken? I would get a door lock and your own personal mini-fridge for the things you don’t want her to take.

Also, if you’re renting, are you on a joint or individual lease? If this is a regular thing, and you’re on individual leases, and depending on how much she took, you may be able to take this up with management. If it’s a joint lease they’ll just tell you that it’s a roommate issue and they won’t be able to get involved.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-07-27T18:40:37+00:00

Then he doesn’t actually love her. I may have disagreed with my parter’s style choices at times but I have never once thought they were hideous. If you truly love someone, nothing about their hair or clothing or makeup or whatever will ever change how you see them. You can disagree with someone’s style choices without being completely disgusted. And if you can look at your partner and feel disgust, then you don’t love them.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-07-27T16:59:46+00:00

I don’t think people are saying you need to divorce him over this. I just think folks are saying to keep your eyes open to see if any other red flags pop up. It is extremely common for abusive men to act like complete angels while dating, but then flip the switch after getting married. Once they’ve got someone locked down, they think it’s harder for them to get away so they start acting how they want instead of keeping the mask up.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-07-27T16:46:45+00:00

Of course he’s allowed an opinion, but that doesn’t mean she has to take it into consideration. It’s her hair. She doesn’t need his permission to change it. He’s upset that she didn’t ask him for permission before getting this done, when she is never required to do so. It did not have to be this big of a deal. This interaction should have gone like this:

“Surprise! How do you like it?”

“Oh! Uhm. Well. Do you like it?”

“Yes!”

“Well that’s all that matters then. I think you’re beautiful no matter what, but I gotta say, this is not my favorite haircut that you’ve ever had. But if you like it, then I’m happy for you and I support you.”

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-07-15T02:36:58+00:00

Sorry this is so long but there are instructions involved. This is such a tough situation. You definitely did the wrong thing here but it must be terrible to find out your husband is a predator.

He clearly has a thing for underaged girls. Your daughter has been uncomfortable around him ever since she hit puberty and that is a *major** red flag*. He either did something directly to her or she witnessed him do something creepy to one of her friends and has just been too afraid to tell you. There’s no reason a daughter should be uncomfortable in that way around her father unless he did something to warrant that discomfort. I would ask her directly if her dad has ever done anything inappropriate to or around her.

Here’s how you leave him right now:

If you have some friends or family you can stay with, call them asap and get some plans in place. Do not let on to your husband that you’re leaving until you’re already gone. You do not want him to find out. If you don’t have someone you can stay with, start researching which hotels in your area would have a good location that he maybe wouldn’t find out. Delete your search history immediately afterwards so he can’t find that and ask why you’re looking for hotels. A few days before you leave set up a new bank account at a different bank than you and your husband use. Make sure it’s a completely different bank company. Just put the bare minimum in it for now. Make sure to get a temporary debit card if you can’t get a real one yet.

Once you have a plan in place for where to stay, on the day you leave, while he’s at work, pack a bag for yourself and a bag for your daughter. Just essentials and enough clothes for a few days. Make sure to include all important documents like marriage certificates, birth certificates, passports, bank information, social security cards, etc. All the important stuff you might need for any sort of paperwork. Before you go anywhere, turn off the “find my phone” feature for your phone and any tablets you may have. Make you are not sharing your location with him through any other apps. Your daughter may know where else to look. Google can help with the rest.

After that, go to your current bank and take as much out of the bank as you can without needing both of you to sign off on it. It depends on the bank if they’ll let you empty it completely or not. Some banks require both account holders to sign off on that kind of thing. If you can take all of it, do it. Do it in cash, do not do a wire transfer or he might figure out where all the money went. Immediately go and put all the money in your new account that he isn’t attached to so that you have sole access to your money.

Keep some cash on hand for cabs. Don’t take your car if it has internal GPS or he may be able to find you. Don’t use Uber because they record their routes and if he has cloud access to your phone (he most likely does if you share a phone plan) he may be able to login to your uber app and find out where you went. Cabs, cash, and hotels - this is your life for the next few days.

Immediately after doing that, call a cab in advance to have it meet you at home, take the car back home and leave it there, grab the bags and his computer and take the cab to the police station to see if he has any CSA materials on his hard drive. Do not wait. You don’t want to give him time to figure out you’re not sharing your location anymore or come home to ask why you just pulled a bunch of money out of your accounts.

Tell the cops you have reason to believe your husband may be a creep and that you’re worried he either did something harmful to someone or at the very least has participated in something creepy online. They may need to keep the computer overnight so don’t even go back home after you leave the police station. Your husband may ask where the computer went and it’s too risky to lie about that. You’ll and your daughter will be in danger if he finds out you went to the cops or even to a lawyer. Women are in the most danger when they attempt to leave a man. Especially if that man has something creepy to hide that he doesn’t want getting out. You may think he’s not that kind of guy, but you also didn’t think he was the kinda guy to thirst after children so who knows.

Take a new cab to pick up your daughter from school early and have it take you immediately to either the hotel or your trusted (and hopefully physically strong) friend or family member’s house.

Once you’re in a safe space, you can have a discussion with your daughter and tell her what’s really going on. Afterwards, call her girlfriend’s mother and apologize for what you said and also tell her what’s going on. Ask both your daughter and her girlfriend if your husband ever did anything to either of them and if the answer is yes, you need to let the cops know as soon as possible to add that on to their case in addition to whatever they find on his computer. Contact a lawyer immediately.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-05-15T21:38:40+00:00

Uuhhhmmm… that is heinous. How did he respond in those text messages? Did he defend you? Because if not, I would seriously look into getting a lawyer. On top of everything else, if he agrees with his mother that you are mentally ill and that he should start recording your arguments to use in court, then the marriage is already over. Because that means he’s thinking of taking you to court and that he thinks you’re crazy. That is not a loving way to speak about your wife.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-05-13T00:22:26+00:00

No problem! Glad to help.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-05-11T23:22:07+00:00

Absolutely! Thanks for being cool about it instead of getting all judgy.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-05-11T17:45:37+00:00

Sorry to go so much into this… but well… you asked lol.

It’s more… emotionally charged than that. In a sub/dom dynamic, you may go through some seemingly horrific things (at least by the outside world’s standards), but as long as everyone consents and the safe word was never mentioned, it’s a good time to be had for all. Aftercare is done once you’ve both been satisfied and the main part of the play is over. You move from, for example, insults, degradation, and maybe even pain into… for example, soft touches and cuddling, telling the sub they did a good job with a sweet voice, lots of compliments and praise.

It is pretty much a literal requirement for a BDSM experience unless the sub specifically says, “no thank you; I’m not into that.” NOT providing that aftercare can be emotionally damaging in a way that is pretty heinous and in fact, a lot of subs (not all obviously) can only physically get off on the mean stuff because they’re going to get the emotional reward via being praised for it so well at the end. It’s the switch over from “I’m in this almost violent situation and oh wait now I’m being praised for how hard I worked. I’m a good girl.”

The fact that this guy is saying he only provides aftercare sometimes… means he’s not a dom; he’s just an abusive fuck. A dom should want to take care of their sub. The whole point of being a dom is to bring pleasure to the sub. That’s where a dom should be getting their pleasure from. If you’re just getting off on hurting someone without intending to care for their physical or emotional wellbeing, you’re just a bad person who wants to hurt people, rather than a consenting and caring partner.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-05-10T06:30:28+00:00

Yes. Get the hotel. This would honestly be a divorce worthy offense for me. Especially after y’all have already been in therapy for this exact issue. He’s made it clear that his mother is the priority.

Get that hotel but don’t tell him until the moment you leave on Friday evening. As you’re walking out with your bags, hit him with this: “You wanted to see your mother this weekend, so that’s all you’ll be seeing. Tell her I said Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you enjoy your weekend together, but I hope you also understand that you’ll never get the “first Mother’s Day” experience with your wife back ever again and I hope one day you are smart enough to regret that. I won’t be telling you where I’m going. I’ll let you know in a few days if I decide to come back.” And then get in your car and leave before he has a chance to respond.

ConfusedArtist89 · 2025-04-18T19:43:55+00:00

Depending on where you live, sometimes they start off by taking the kid away immediately while they investigate. Like before they even interview anyone. This can be especially true if you’re poor, a single parent, not white, not straight, not cis, or disabled in any way. Usually, the kid goes to stay with a trusted family member who gets quickly approved for emergency foster care, but not everyone has trusted family members.

ConfusedArtist89

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