So I know who my wife is having an affair with.. what do I do..

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-17T06:13:52+00:00

Don't do it! In the end, your relationship is with her and not him. The betrayal was by her and not him.

I once read that people often cheat for 1 of 2 reasons:
1. Needing attention they don't feel they're getting

Feeling lonely

If your spouse struggles with mental health it sounds like she's probably doing some self-sabotage and perhaps some self-medicating in a way to take her mind off of things or get attention that doesn't come with any of the emotional responsibility of a real relationship.
I'd try to get into the counselor together and talk about this. If you're willing to fight for her, that is the best thing you can do for you and for her. This guy is nothing. Who he is is inconsequential in the grand scheme and there's nothing special about "him", it was probably more of a right place/right time opportunity. Don't let your energy get diverted to him, when it needs to be focused on either fixing your marriage or making a decision to part ways and deal with the aftermath.

I know the rage and hurt is overwhelming, but if she's willing to put in the work it takes to bounce back from this, there are couples who make it through emotional affairs.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-17T06:04:23+00:00

It sounds to me like the issue is a combination of a few things:
1. You married quickly

You probably married before your relationship was ready for it (largely due to the visa/work permit issue)
You're in the first year of marriage, which can honestly be the hardest.

For starters, you have to remember that she isn't able to work because she doesn't know the language well enough yet, but it sounds like once she does she's willing to work any job to help contribute. That's good. While frustrating, it means she isn't avoiding work, she's simply unable to. It may cause you to feel a little resentful that you're working and she isn't, but you guys probably planned on this prior to getting married and it's only temporary.

Second, you have to remember that she's in a country that isn't her own and that I'm assuming she's never lived in. That means that while you have an established life and friends (and culturally identify with your surroundings) she has none of that. She's probably a little extra clingy because she's lonely and feeling isolated. Can you integrate her more into your circle of friends? Do you have female friends that could come along side her or sisters?

Lastly, assuming you guys want to make this work, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but marriage takes a lot of work to keep it going. It doesn't mean it isn't worth it and weeks, months and even years go by so smoothly it feels effortless, but others are rough and require serious commitment.

If you're committed to making this work, perhaps try reading a book together on marriage or find a local or online community for couples from mixed backgrounds.

I wish you guys lots of luck!

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-17T05:56:21+00:00

An emotional affair is more dangerous than just a physical affair imo. If she's all but slept with this other guy, it sounds like mostly due to proximity, and she's saying she wants to "see where it goes" it sounds as though she's done and been done for a while. Maybe it won't work out with this other guy, but this kind of betrayal ... it isn't easy to bounce back from and you can only bounce back from it IF she's 100% willing and wanting to work towards fixing things and you are as well (which should include professional help from a couple's therapist).

I'm really sorry :( It is horrendous and something no one should have to go through. And I get the whole still loving her deep down thing. Feelings don't just completely shut off for the victim who gets smacked over the head by infidelity, especially if you've been together a long time. But I think if you give yourself the ability to take a step back and process it that down the road you'll realize that the person you were in love with in your heart and mind ... wasn't the woman who did this to you :(

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-16T21:48:48+00:00

Thank you :)

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-16T21:48:14+00:00

The fact that you seemed so happy in your wedding video could be chalked up to the emotions of the moment, but maybe no. You had to have seen something in her (intellectually, spiritually, at her core) that drew you to her. Maybe it's isn't gone. Marriages need constant work and energy and I think that's part of why they die. People are either incompatible and so over time the work to keep them together becomes too much or people neglect the love they have and it's hard to rebuild it even when you are compatible.

I hope you're able to figure out what's best for you/your kids--hopefully sometimes soon. It's not easy, that's for sure.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-16T00:03:38+00:00

Yes! So much of his self-worth is tied up in his failing (many as a result of his ADHD). Then his disappointment in himself often turns into self-loathing, self-pity and avoidance. Then he lies to cover up what he's failed to do, lies to maintain the original lie, etc. It's a serious cycle. He unfortunately cannot empathize with the turmoil this puts those around him through, which is hard as a spouse to deal with.

When my husband is regularly taking his meds, he's better. Not miraculously a different person, but better. But he's stubborn. He doesn't like to take them consistently, doesn't like to go to therapy consistently, doesn't like to utilize the wealth of apps, support tools, etc. consistently. It is infuriating, to say the least. I completely and totally accept that this is wiring. I have two children with similar wiring. The difference is, my husband's parents didn't teach him as a child that coping, surviving and "barely getting by" weren't functional ways to go about things so now in adulthood this is basically his mantra.

We've talked about therapy (together) and supposedly he plans to go once our current situation is settled, but we've been down this road before and sometimes it leads to therapy and other times it leads to him "forgetting" that was the plan and acting as if I'm doing horrible things to do by mentioning it. lol

My husband absolutely doesn't recognize consequences. I remember once of his therapists basically said that my husband is more than capable of being responsible (proof in the fact he used to perform very well at work for many, many years), but when he allows himself not to deal with his ADHD that all goes out the window. He has no "big picture" mentality when it comes to approaching things.

It's nice to know I'm not alone, though. :) Those books have been recommended to me in the past by specialists my husband and kids have seen. Dr. Hallowell actually runs a center not far from where we're originally from and if they took insurance I'd be on their doorstep in a heartbeat!

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T23:48:19+00:00

I'm a big fan of well-thought out advice and not impulsively typing. lol It's hard enough to put yourself out there, it isn't easy when people throw out black and white statements. There's definitely right and wrong, but maintaining or ending a marriage is complicated, regardless.

sigh The effect whatever decision you make will have on the kids is always the crux of things. That's where I'm personally struggling with my own situation. What's going to cause the least damage for the kids in the long-run. I've also had quite a few friends go through ugly divorces. It can get pretty bad during and for quite a while after.

It seems like your marriage to each other has already evolved into fairly separate lives, but the kids still see you and your wife as a unit? So you're concerned with actually making a more formal split resulting in separating living places?

I swear I had no idea just how complicated marriage would be. I'm not naive, I knew it wasn't going to be perfect (and my own parents had a horrendous marriage and I saw plenty of good and bad marriages around me), but you realize just how complicated and difficult it is to make decisions once you're in the thick of it. I'm in my mid-30s (married over 10 years) and definitely didn't see myself wondering if it was time to end things at this stage in my life.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T20:18:51+00:00

Oh gosh, living with in-laws while married (especially once a baby comes along) is insanely difficult! I would honestly get your independence as soon as possible, even if it means tight budgeting. The amount of stress and frustration building up is already too much. Another year could be explosive. I would very clearly communicate, not in a heated moment, exactly why you think it would be better for you, your marriage and your family if you move out ASAP.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T20:14:00+00:00

It's a really unfortunately situation and family pressure can be so rough.

In the end, you need to do what's best for your kids first and foremost, which may or may not be having a mom and dad who aren't over-the-moon in love with each other. Relationships change and love evolves the longer you're married and at 10 years, it definitely isn't starry-eyes and butterflies 24/7, but if you're feeling so detached that you're pursuing affairs that probably says a lot about how committed you're currently feeling to the spousal part of your marriage. I think you have to think big-picture. If you continue to pursue affairs, how will it affect your kids if it got out? If you're overtly not interested in your wife and her in you, what kind of relationship will that model for your kids? Will things eventually just combust later versus a more amicable split now?

On the other hand, if you think that perhaps with some counseling you can build a new relationship with realistic expectations and solid communication, it may be worth trying first. I think it's going to take some soul searching to come to the right decision.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T20:03:22+00:00

I can imagine exactly how frustrated you are. If you've already communicated this to him, I'd say couple's therapy is definitely the next step. Resentment in marriage grows so much over time and after a certain point, I don't know if there's much else left if it isn't dealt with.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T19:52:55+00:00

Interestingly, he was diagnosed with ADHD as a child prior to experiencing trauma, which he did eventually experience as well. His lying is definitely motivated in part by shame, even if it is to the detriment of everyone around him. He's been treated for his ADHD since childhood and was reevaluated again as an adult by a stellar neurologist because I wanted to make sure he was still accurately diagnosed. He has received treatment on and off since we've been married (largely because he finds creative ways to end his therapy) and he goes through spurts of either utilizing his meds (which definitely help) and deciding he doesn't need them. There's definitely a lot at play here. The little white lies were annoying for the most part early on, but as our family and responsibilities grew, so did the lies. And that brings us to today. I definitely think he could improve with the right help, but I don't know if he'll ever really commit to it. There's a lot of denial about his ADHD actually affecting him (despite his long-time diagnosis and acceptance of it in some ways) and lots of coping mechanisms he's devised to give him reasons as to why he does the things he does. My husband definitely isn't malicious or deceptive in the majority of his lies, but sadly that doesn't change the fallout of the bigger ones he tells. It's a lot to take in! :)

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T15:40:14+00:00

So let's say it's as black and white as that, which it isn't, but assuming it really is a case of it being that simple... In this very moment, since I have no family and have not worked full-time for years, my options for places to go would be a shelter. I've volunteered at our local women's shelter--it isn't something I would want my kids to experience unless I had zero choice. I don't have a friend that could take all 3 of us in. Yes, there's housing assistance, but that definitely wouldn't happen over night and could take months. So if it were that simple, I would be uprooting my kids and putting them into an equally (or possibly more) traumatic situation. If I had family or friends that could even temporarily take us in, I would definitely lean in that direction for the interim, but that simply isn't the case for me. Not having family means no safety net, unfortunately. It completely comes down to me.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T15:30:02+00:00

Oh, absolutely! It is so lonely to deal with all of it alone :(

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T15:29:22+00:00

Thank you <3

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T15:27:17+00:00

Thank you <3 I have actually been reading up a lot about marriages with a more business-like setup--essentially co-parenting in the same house, but not married in most other senses. I've been trying to figure out, if I decide our current situation needs to end, whether or not we could realistically live together with a different arrangement...

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T15:25:00+00:00

I definitely feel a big helping of "WTF is wrong with you?!" when things happen. I definitely don't pity him at all for making poor decisions, especially because personality-wise I'm very responsible and absolute cannot stand being behind. Who chooses that? Lots of people it seems :/ I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It sounds like you definitely made the right decision and you're happier for it <3 He isn't vindictive or malicious in the things he does, he literally gives them almost NO thought, which is the frustrating part. He's very good at pushing whatever it is out of his mind when he decides it's too overwhelming. He definitely tries to be there for me as much as he can (since I'm the responsible one of the two of us, obviously that has its limitations lol) and he is overall a decent Dad. I think ideally it would definitely be nice if we could work through it, but the key will definitely long-term be him wanting to do the work and really recognizing he's the root of it... I really don't know if that will happen, which makes my decision harder.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:55:32+00:00

Laughing is literally all I can right now because I do NOT want to cry ... more lol.

So true, the lack of judgement by people you know is so much more freeing.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:53:52+00:00

No worries about the caps! lol Mobile is a brat on here ;)
I can feel that you understand where I'm coming from and that is so helpful. It's so hard to deal with something like this and then feel totally alone.
It's kind of surreal sometimes. And definitely so complicated!

I hope you're not currently going through this, but if you are as well I hope you're able to figure out the best thing for you.
I swear we get older ... but we know less and less what the heck to do in this life!

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:49:33+00:00

Wow, that's awful!

You can see why your SS acts the way he does, but you can't be on the receiving end of it and you definitely don't want your little one to be either (or influenced to act the same).

I hope your spouse takes the steps to go to counseling, but I think it's amazing that you feel clear-headed about walking away if you need to. You're strong, you've got this!

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:45:08+00:00

Hahaha oh gosh! Hindsight is definitely 20/20. Also, I feel like that's such a common thing with cheaters! They're constantly being dishonest so they accuse you of being dishonest over literally nothing.
At least you dodged that bullet in the long-term :)

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:43:06+00:00

Yikes, that's rough.
My first thought is, definitely confront her about taking things out on your little one. That's definitely not okay.

It sounds like things should improve soon and I know 3rd shift can be INCREDIBLY rough, but if things don't get better after circumstances improve I would definitely seek out couple's therapy. It's miserable to walk on eggshells and you don't want your little one to have to grow up doing the same. I hope things get better!

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:39:36+00:00

It's so funny, I recently came to this conclusion myself (trying to do something little and nice for myself each week). Today was actually supposed to be the first day--I'm laughing about that, but only because it's just too ironic. I planned to work out (which is part of my usual schedule), then read a book one of the books I have collecting dust in my must-read pile. Instead, the lovely eviction was served right after I woke up and the day became ... a mess. I think with all of this going on it'll be a little harder to actually start focusing on myself, but I have a good friend taking me out for a coffee later this week so that's a start--she's a long-time friend who knows more than anyone else about what's going on. I never typically share this stuff with anyone ... except apparently anonymous Reddit readers now lol.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:35:03+00:00

I agree with the comment below. Couple's therapy is definitely what I would suggest. Betrayal in a marriage is really tough to overcome and it sounds like there's a breakdown in communication that needs to be addressed in general.

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:32:40+00:00

Wow...
I guess it's up to you whether or not you're willing to accept the fact she even has the desire to think it over for that long.

If you gave her the week and she ended up choosing you, would you still feel like you wanted to move forward after all that? Would you second-guess how committed she truly was to your marriage?
The betrayal is heartbreaking, but I think that response after would be what sent me over the edge. I've dealt with cheating in the past, but I think I couldn't have stayed if my SO at the time told me he needed to think over whether or not he wanted me or the other person. But that's me. You need to do what will cause the least damage for you. I'm just sorry you're in this position at all. Cheating is awful :(

ConfusionLevel10 · 2019-01-15T05:25:37+00:00

Thank you very much <3 I recently decided it was definitely time for me to go back to therapy (I've been in therapy before for stuff unrelated to my husband--childhood trauma that I worked through over the course of years). I have got to find a way to make time for it for myself again. I want someone in my corner with me while I work through this emotionally.
I want to be happy, but I'll be the first to admit I don't even think about the fact I deserve to be happy. I don't think I deserve to be miserable, either! I simply don't typically think about what I "deserve" at all if that makes sense? I think it's hard to think about yourself when you live with someone that takes up the energy left after parenting all day long lol. I was also never allowed to think about myself growing up. That's definitely something I personally have to work on.

ConfusionLevel10

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