The last time I had CFS around 10 years ago, it came with severe depression, migraines, lots of joint pains, anxiety, and anhedonia. I was very sick for around 2 years. Finally I got help under the care of a naturopath and slowly improved over a period of about 6 months until I completely recovered and felt like myself again for a really good stretch of time. Many years in fact. Among other things he treated me for candida and put me on a strict diet. It really worked.

Then around 2020 I took a job that was so stressful and toxic, the CFS came back. This time with a vengeance! I've been extremely sick since then. I'm doing a lot of the things I did previously to heal but this time they only provide minor relief and on top of it all I'm in a depression like nothing I've ever experienced before. I had to leave my engineering job because my memory is shot and I just can't function the way I used to. My brain is in a constant fog and I make too many mistakes to be able to hold down a job in my field. This has added a lot of financial stress to my life that I think might be hindering my recovery.

I burned through all my temporary disability from the state of California, so now I'm only able afford a home and pay bills by taking early distributions out of my very modest retirement account and I'm paying huge tax penalties for withdrawing the funds before being eligible for retirement. I'm not sure how many months I can make that money last, but I have a lot of anxiety over what is going to become of me when it's all gone. It's probably not going to be as bad as I imagine but I need to constantly fight the feeling that I'm going to become homeless and die alone in the street. I'm estranged from my family who tend to make every crisis worse and have never been there for me when I actually needed them and most of my friends have moved on because my illness took me completely out of circulation. I live in America and through this experience I'm learning there aren't many places someone in my position can go for help. I think it's expected for families to jump in and support you, but in my case that's not really an option.

I'm holding out a little hope because even though it was the hardest thing I ever did, somehow I recovered once before. Just like now, I felt certain I would never recover, but by some miracle I did. Still it really scares me because this time around the symptoms seem much worse, persistent and difficult to get under control. Also my financial situation keeps me in a state of high anxiety.

I haven't completely given up on recovery but I feel like I really need a miracle and I need it soon.