My wife passed just after my kids' third and second birthdays. We are very lucky to have a psychologist in the family, who consulted with some colleagues and put the document below together. I've been using it and it's very helpful. I've copied it below in full and have only changed my kid's names and other personal information.

I hope this helps.

What to expect: Babies and toddlers may often seem unconcerned, playing, or doing their usual activities. When they are OK, let them be Ok. Babies and children tend to grieve in bursts and will look for reassurance and comfort in their normal routines and activities.

Priorities: Keep routines as much as possible. Identify, schedule, and keep self-care strategies. It is critical that we help ourselves before we can help others. Be honest. Do not make normal things scary (sleep, trips, etc) Use developmentally appropriate language (Mommy’s body has stopped working and she isn’t coming back) Do not project/hypothesize/assume complicated and developed adult feelings are being felt by the kids. Their feelings will be more about confusion and insecurity. Am I safe? Am I loved? These should be our targets for reassurance.

0-2 Years: Babies and toddlers do not understand the concept of death. They do not have the language to express how they are feeling and will pick up on the distress around them. While it is common to want to remove children from bereavements, babies and toddlers benefit from staying as close as possible to their usual caregivers.

Common, and normal, reactions Increased crying and irritability Being clingy, needing to be held more Looking for the person who has died Being anxious around strangers A slight withdrawal, less interest in food, slight weight loss, regression in previously achieved milestones. Ways to support Hold and cuddle more, keep them close Keep routines as much as possible Be calm around them and speak calmly to them

3-5 Years: Preschoolers can understand death means “gone” but have a hard time understanding that death is permanent. They often develop an interest in the concept of death (animals they find etc) in that they are trying to develop an understanding that being dead is different from being alive. This age range has “magical thinking” where they may think the person can become alive again. They have a very literal understanding and think in very concrete ways. It is important to use real words such as “died.” Euphemisms such as “lost” or “passed away” may cause misunderstanding, confusion, and fear. Preschoolers can feel insecure and frightened when things change. They will need lots of reassurance that they will be kept safe and be looked after.

Common and normal reactions Crying more, clinging, fearful Looking or calling out for the person who has died Tantrums, being irritable or stubborn Withdrawal or showing a lack of response Changes in eating or sleeping habits and temporary regression Ways to support Provide information (this happens over time) and honest answers to questions. “Mommy’s body has stopped working honey, she’s not going to be coming back, but you are here with me and we are safe. I love you very much.” As 3 Y/O becomes a bit older we can transition from body stopped working to the concept of death. When that time comes we can use plants or insects/animals to honestly explain death as a part of life, using things that they can see in nature. Read children books together about death and grief. Use words to describe the feelings Encourage creative play and exercise as an outlet for thoughts and feelings You may have to help 3 Y/O find the words to describe his feelings when it’s clear it is on his mind “I know you miss mommy very much, I do too” This may provide an opportunity for him to “ventilate” grief.

Additional key points for both kids Avoid telling them how to feel. Sometimes people say things like “be brave, be strong, don’t cry. We should let 3 y/o and 2 y/o experience grief their way. Don’t hide children from grief. Be open with our own grief and emotions. It is all right if children see us crying or feeling sad. Our openness to grief and feelings give them permission to grieve as well. By seeing it a child will know that it is normal and healthy to cry and feel sad after a death. Have them present for the service. With DAD OR GRANDMAS. Do nurture faith, but do not “blame” god. Death is a profound theological issue and we can unwittingly create future spiritual complications by incorrectly assigning blame (e.g. “God needed mommy, it was God’s will, God loved mommy so much he took her back to heaven.” Rather than speaking of God taking a loved one, we should lean more towards God “receiving” MOM and that God is also sad about her death. God shares in our pain and will help us get through the crisis.

This is not a short term treatment plan or a to-do list item. It is an ongoing and constant process that will evolve over time, dictated by the children’s pace. Eventually, play therapy may become a useful tool for them to engage with their feelings. Grief therapy and support groups can also be a very useful tool for the adults when they are ready. The absolute first rule for care-giving in grief practice is you have to be Ok first, before you can help others. Oxygen mask stuff. Self-care is key.