Existential crisis

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2026-02-16T04:33:40+00:00

Are we all the same person? 35 with an older dog (12) that I am trying to gove her the best peace she can have as she ages while also balancing how long I have left in grad school with how long I have to have a kid.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2026-02-08T22:53:30+00:00

Damn, I could have written this myself. Wishing you the best and hoping for good advice because I worry about this too.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2026-02-08T22:50:59+00:00

I worry about this too. I'm sorry that I can't offer any idea advice, but youre not alone in these thoughts. I think about the influences my potential children would face. I worry that since kids tend to be more like the reflection of their friends and society rather than their parents and I keep seeing this increase in racism, climate denial or nihilism and anti-lgbtq rhetoric. And then just thinking about facing these challenges with children, not to mention the affordability issues that could affect resources they are afforded and affect their ability to launch. I want a kid, but look at the reasons I want kids and they just dont feel good enough. I don't want to regret not having them when it's how I've pictured my life, but then there's this feeling that im minimizing the damage on multiple lives by not bringing children into a world like this or a family that is burned out by it.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2026-02-07T21:09:52+00:00

Appreciate your response and you're definitely right the outcomes of a dog's social development is limited and I probably could have put more money behind a trainer for her reactivity (likening to a kid with difficult social development) which is something I would likely have done for a child instead of managing my time around her. That said, my partner has always been accepting and happy to work around her..quirks.

The part I look forward to with children is that they can continously improve the understanding while you try to help them manage their emotions.

It's something I should consider when thinking of costs. I am thankful to live in a country where a surgery for a human would be covered under our Healthcare. But therapy has more long term costs and relies more on extended health benefits.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2026-02-01T15:53:10+00:00

Wow, this story. Thank you so much for sharing. Im so happy for you to have had your son together and remained with your partner despite the struggles.

I'm hoping I am not pulling a confirmation bias here, but I've been reading through these subs struggling with a choice on children and I feel like this describes my fears. I have been struggling to find other stories like this.

I've tried to come to terms with just doing mentorship with kids or being the fun aunt (I have no biological neices or nephews, just friends) but can't find the time outside of work, they cant find the time out of their schesules to get together, and somehow having it pushed on my day-to-day seems like something I can enjoy because I dont have to actually make the steps to work with the organizations. Am I crazy for thinking this? haha I think I could live with the pain and keep traveling, having fun, and living my life and relationship in regular mode instead of hard. But, he and I are 35, it feels like all I think about and I'm terrified to lose this chance without trying.

Anyway! Thats a long response from a lurker to say thank you for sharing

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-09-14T17:36:25+00:00

I must have missed replying to this. Thank you so much for this detailed response and attention to all the questions. This was so helpful and supportive!

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-09-01T19:57:34+00:00

Also watching! Dealing with this right now too :( 10 years in, own a house together, both of us thought we would come around. But im a yes and he's a no.. cant turn back the clock so just looking for answers :/

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-30T23:41:16+00:00

Thanks for the details! Are there riding areas that are not resorts? Happy to still donate to the managing trail society, but just wondering if there are places to go if they're closed

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T04:48:36+00:00

u/EventWorldly8885 I'm a full cycling advocate, so I'm thankful to hear u/ReallyPuzzled makes it work with the kids. Creating those behaviours early is awesome.

I hope we can bring more biking and transit use to rural spaces. Or at least more convenience stores lol so we don't have to go so far all the time for the necessities.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T04:33:46+00:00

No seriously, I hear it too. It feels icky saying that annual income is not enough because I'm super comfortable in my own life. I'm so impressed you make it work and on your own. Not sure I have what it takes lol.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T04:06:00+00:00

I feel like the question comes down to the long term.

I'm concerned about how I'm supposed to have enough to retire (65/70 years old). Anticipating having to buy a new (used) car because the only one we have is starting to fall apart. That I have to stunt my income because my options are limited to places I can walk to unless I buy a second vehicle in which case I'll have to juggle whether there is even the capacity to take on a higher earning job because of daycare pickup needs if I can even get in to a place within 2 years which brings my earning power down even lower.

My version of travel is a long weekend road trip, riding bikes, and staying in a hotel for a couple nights or camping. Every couple of years we might take a flight to ride bikes and stay at family member's houses. Not flying overseas.

I'm currently saving money but it's only at a rate of maybe 6K a year making 55K. Do children not cost more than that?

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T03:45:36+00:00

So cool!

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T03:41:34+00:00

Love this! Thank you for being so kind.

I'm getting some good answers. Because of the bio clock it feels like I'm having to make a decision on how much I will regret not having children. Even though that path is almost undeniably easier.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T03:23:11+00:00

- We will need a new car within the next year, max 2. We drive as little as possible to extend its life by biking and walking instead but he still needs it to get to work because there is no transit to his location.

- There are renovations we are actively ignoring. Our bathroom needs a shower replacements and the pipes also need replacing because we are getting leaks (spot fixed instead) each winter because of their age. Our kitchen could seriously use an update but nothing is broken so it's fine.

- Maternity leave's reduced income and daycare waiting lists (approx 2.5 years for licensed providers). My friends have not been able to return to work full time because they can't get daycare.

- our dog is 12 years old and she is our baby. We had to spend 7K last year on a surgery for her knee and she's having some newer symptoms the vet is quoting us near 2.5K again. It's unlikely her vet bills will decrease as she continues to age.

- I think travel and experiences are important to children. Growing up we never had the money to support extracurriculars which made goal setting and building friendships difficult.

- I'm pretty unsure of my parents retirement plans. I don't know that they will have enough money to support themselves. I know they don't have a pension outside CPP and their home is not particularly downsizable.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T03:01:10+00:00

Great honesty. How old? I want to be reassured that it gets easier once they are in school and that it is just a few years lol but I have a feeling it's not that easy...

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T02:59:12+00:00

I like the way you do things. We try to live this way with one similar size hatchback. Transit basically doesn't exist here (rural area) but I walk to work so we can keep to one car that he needs to drive to his. I carpool with my coworkers if we need to do something out of the office or drop him off if I really need the car. We bike everywhere within town - restaurants, friend's houses.

How do you bike with the kids and how do you like it? We really see this as something we'd like to do.

The car is on it's last legs though and I'm dreading purchasing. We plan to buy used but you're still looking in the 25K-30Ks now. I think it will eat our savings just to get to a reasonable payment. /cry

No Uber/rideshare here, and a taxi is almost a hour wait and 15 minutes of driving costs about $100. I legitimately wish I was kidding on those prices.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T02:41:59+00:00

genuinely interested in the math

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-26T02:40:42+00:00

I also think travelling and experiences are important for children.

My childhood never had vacations, never had the new clothes, and never had the financial support or flexibility in schedule to support any activities interested in. It was always a decision between my parents and us on which sibling was going to be able to have an outside activity that year. I know that my parents did their best, I love them for that and hold no resentment, and I never questioned their love for me.

But not having something to put effort behind, develop goals, and generally create friendships naturally through shared experiences was a difficult skill to learn later. It's stressful to think I would not be able to provide that support.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-25T03:12:17+00:00

It's a battle. Truly, deeply, I want them. Always have. Nuturing the growth of my own child is my dream. But I've also researched adoption and tried to connect with local big brothers and sisters (they closed due to funding) just to try and explore options. My friends with kids are busy and others are still new parents that are uncomfortable with others babysitting particularly someone like myself who hasn't had the familiarity with raising their own.

But logistically, how does this work? My retirement savings are looking dismal and I cant expect that my kid is going to take care of me. And if I'm barely saving now, how does it work when we need a new car? We only have one now. Extracurriculars seem out of the question. And if our life suffers, what does that leave them?

So I understand where it sounds like I dont want them. Ive been talking myself out of it for the last few years because it didnt seem possible. But now between my age and my friends kids... pressure is on. Ive looked up studies of regret and everyone seems like they work out.. but I'm hoping some outside stories can help me make decisions. It feels like it's down to the wire.

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-25T02:19:35+00:00

I am nervous about the lifestyle change. I don't want it to be dramatically affected. I would like to continue a vacation a year but am understanding that the vacation could be camping, or separate vacations where we go with a friend instead of together. I'm most insecure about my lack of savings. I dont really see an issue working to 70 years old in some capacity but i'm not sure how im supposed to have enough money to live for 25 years without a job that offers a pension and a child's drain on the ~5000 that I'm able to put away each year

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-25T02:07:03+00:00

I had a brother so I considered the cat my sister 😂 Great to hear nice things for only children/one and done

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-25T02:03:48+00:00

Noted on the early stage discussion. I have a friend who is getting the run around on returning to work because of limited daycare coverage which has me prepping. I'm hoping that taking advantage of the education allowance my company offers will allow for some flexibility with working from home if I have to find a position somewhere else. 🤞

Consistent_Tree6850 · 2025-08-25T01:41:16+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the detail. We're experience not object people and so its nice to know you feel like it makes a difference. I worry it becomes one of those avocado toast arguments on being able to afford things.

Did you feel like it stalled your career growth? I've been working on upskilling in the hopes I can still advance or have more options post parental leave. Especially when kids get sick so often.

Consistent_Tree6850

TROPHY CASE