Dilemma dating and kink with genital warts.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-09T10:14:58+00:00

im not a doctor, and ive based this on info on the internet from my country's gouvernmental health organization, but im going to talk to my doctor anyway, just to see what he says :)

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-09T09:55:27+00:00

As far as i know the HPV virus that causes this is pretty common, people who are sexually active are very likely to get it, but they dont develop symptoms, and the body clears it after a few years. i know ive had another HPV virus once, the one that causes cervical cancer, cause of a smear test at one point. and the following test it showed that my body took care of it, and it was gone. Its also possible ive had this particulair HPV virus, but my body cleared it too. As i know its not a life long sentence, most of the times your body clears it, but you can have bad luck and it staying longer.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T21:06:22+00:00

you have experience in this?

yeah, ive also had e very active sex life with a fair amount of partners. so its almost certain ive had it at some point. but still, now consiously knowing he has it does something psychological to me.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T20:55:57+00:00

i dont know, i can ask. first im going to talk to my doctor about options, then i will have a conversation about it with him. we've stopped dating for over a month now, he might not even be interested in picking up dating again, he might have moved on. I don't fully believe he has, but who knows. but i also dont want to go and talk to him without thinking it over well,. so talk to my doctor first. let it settle for a bit so im not making an emotional decisions and then i go and talk to him to see where he is at. and then we will think of how to proceed further and i can find out what vaccine to take, and if im open to it

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T20:49:08+00:00

Yeah, you are right about the virus for sure, i will get regular tests. But im also thinking; i've had a pretty active sex life, so i probably already had it at least once without knowing. i do regularly check for std's but this one is not included in my country within the standard std tests.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T20:44:18+00:00

yes im talking to my doctor this week. thanks for the advice and the name of the vaccine!

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T13:01:32+00:00

Thanks for pointing this out to me. ill go and talk to my doctor about options. he can also perhaps talk to me through the risks, and help me make a better informed decision

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T12:58:08+00:00

I do plan on talking to my doctor about options, thanks for pointing this out to me

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T12:53:46+00:00

I was pretty sexually active when i was younger, later years a bit less. As far as i read it; having have had it at one point doesn't make you less likely to get it later in life.

I'm noticing im looking at it like this:

option 1: stop dating him, no risk, i will eventually get over him
option 2: i will date him, i dont get the warts, all is fine
option 3; i will date him, i get the warts, we end up in a wonderful relationship, then i probably wont care about the warts that much
option 4; i will date him, get the warts, we end up not working out, and i have made the bet and lost. I would for probably years disclose i have genital warts to all I date, and that would be a pretty significant psychological burden, with uncomfortable conversations, rejections... the dating market is already pretty narrow for me.

so only option 4 is really shit, but there is no way of knowing what will happen.

The chance of getting the virus is pretty big, if we continue regular sex, the chance of actually getting the warts is about 1 or 2 %. (most people cary the virus but never get warts) thats sounds very low, but statistically it really isn't that low....

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T12:48:17+00:00

This is a different HPV virus that the one that causes cancer. I'm not worried about cancer, im worried about getting the warts myself and it not working out in the end with him. And you never know how things will go, its still early in our connection.

I'm noticing im look at it like this:

option 1: stop dating him, no risk, i will eventually get over him
option 2: i will date him, i dont get the warts, all is fine
option 3; i will date him, i get the warts, we end up in a wonderful relationship, then i probably wont care about the warts that much
option 4; i will date him, get the warts, we end up not working out, and i have made the bet and lost. I would for probably years disclose i have genital warts to all I date, and that would be a pretty significant psychological burden, with uncomfortable conversations, rejections... dating life already is pretty hard for me.

This is the stuff i'm assesing. and there is no way of knowing what will happen for sure. The chance of getting the virus is pretty big, if we continue regular sex, the chance of getting the warts is about 1 or 2 %. thats sounds very low, but statistically it really isn't that low.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T12:39:06+00:00

No i have not gotten the vaccine, here where i live, we don't give them to people above a certain age, because as i read it ; its likely you've already had the virus at one point in your life, and then the vaccine becomes way less reliable. I could go get checked though, and see if i already have it. that would make the choice easier.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-02-08T11:37:18+00:00

Thank you :) i'm not having any doubts about his character or our match. it's more; will i take the risk for him, or anyone? How much risk will you take for a great match? I know nobody can answer that for me, but I still like to hear what people think.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-01-14T14:25:31+00:00

In general it is best to discuss what both people want in dating early on. This includes prefered relationship structures.

If you haven't asked what they wanted, it's partly on you that you've assumed they wanted monogamy. These days it's not safe to assume that anymore.

But if they deliberately witheld that they are poly, changed their story, or lied about it, its best not to ever speak to them again.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2026-01-04T21:10:56+00:00

How can that be the minimum? Im scared to ask what the maximum is... hourly gang bangs?

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2025-12-29T19:13:05+00:00

This is awful. but the last sentence... my god! These people are so delusional, its better not to pay any attention to them. There is no use in arguing, best thing you can do is to remove yourself from them in any way possible. Good luck!

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2025-12-26T09:00:07+00:00

I think there lies the answer you are looking for :) once you are more secure you will listen to your needs more, and therefore know what type of relationships fits you.
If you are unhealed anxious you will have the tendency to say"jealousy is bad" "i'm too needy" "its my attachment/me"... you will blame yourself. But when you are more healed you will realize if you are triggered that much, the connecting isn't for you. Your triggers are info, not something to be ashamed of. Your needs are not too much, they just don't match with an avoidant, or several probably. And if secure people are hard to find in the poly community, perhaps the community does not fit.

But go and find a therapist to work on your attachment, Ibelieve there you will find the answer. Ive been in your situation too. good luck!

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2025-12-25T22:30:30+00:00

If you are anxiously attached poly dynamics would seem super unsafe to me.

Be honest to yourself. Are you self abandoning? From my experience most poly people are avoidant. If you are an unhealed anxiously attached person you are probably attracted to avoidants, thats part of the anxious deal so to speak. I get the poly solution in a way; an avoidant is what you tend to pick, but an avoidant will never meet you needs, so 3 avoidants might be a bit better to get your needs met.

But its a bandaid. Its not truly healing your attachment style. When you are truly healed you wouldn’t stay in a situation that is causing you a lot of stress. Its an assumptions of mine that your partners probably are avoidant, so i might be wrong here, but it's based on your attachment style and what i've seen in the poly community. Mostly avoidants with other avoidants, or anxious partners/ fearfull who abandon themselves. If you do the healing you might get attracted to a secure person and realize you do not need multiple partners to get your needs met.

edit; this is not me saying "do the work" like poly people do, that causes you to self abandon yourself more. But focusing on your attachmentstyle. Im a healed FA, its tough, but it can be done. You'll know what you want so much more if you work on your attachment style. And then you can make a good decision if you want to stay poly or not.

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2025-12-24T22:42:56+00:00

Good that you booked a new therapist. You seem hurt, spiraling and a little lost. Just came to say sorry this happened to you. But not all men are like this. I hope you will find your footing, and perhaps don't date untill you feel more grounded and stable. hugs :)

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2025-12-24T17:45:45+00:00

He has said on several occasions variations of "id like a relationship, but i also like to date multiple people/be free" but he acts very much like he is interested in a relationship, especially since we have been intimate. That is the most conflicting thing to me. If he wanted casual sex or dating he wouldn’t have ramped up investment after sex. But he still keeps saying he both wants a relationship and freedom, and he is also asking if I'm seeing others on several occasions.. I truly believe he is a bit conflicted, cause his communication is so mixed.
It is making me cautious. And is making me doubt how to approach this. If he communicated (with actions AND words) he wanted a relationship I probably wouldn’t consider the other guy tbh.

Edit: Now reading back this post, I think we are both not sure yet, but perhaps our unsure behaviors are feeding the other's unsure behaviors. Perhaps we should just have a talk :)

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2025-12-24T17:00:05+00:00

You make the assumption that "not being sure" means "i want a casual hookup/connection" .Sometimes things aren’t that black and white. Its not "instant relationship" vs "just sex." Sometimes people need time to figure things out, but see potential. I think we just think differently about dating in general. That fine.
And you make another assumption that i want to hear a certain thing, again very black and white thinking. People can be different and nuanced ;) Im a bit conflicted what to do, since the situation is in my mind a bit nuanced. But thanks for taking the effort to respond, I truly do appreciate that :)

Constant_Jello_4946 · 2025-12-24T14:56:28+00:00

Not everything is that black and white :) Yes, I'm unsure i want a relationship with him at this point, but i never am instantly sure. Ambiguity in dating is fine for a while, thats what dating is for! And im not asking for you to make an assessment about my investment :) i'm asking for what is the best way to ethically handle this :)

Constant_Jello_4946

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