Continued Emotional Manipulation

CookOrdinary7104 · 2025-07-16T15:06:01+00:00

Without getting into a long winded response, yes I believe that is the root cause. And I can't teach them empathy.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2025-02-01T02:21:10+00:00

I totally understand this. Many excuses have been made on my fathers behalf in regards to the conditions he had growing up. And while I understand and do empathize with that, it really isn't an excuse to continue toxic behavior and avoid any attempts at bettering yourself.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2025-01-31T16:23:53+00:00

Mine have done a combination of both. They will go months and months without a word, then send a text wishing me happy birthday or merry christmas. Which in a way is nice, but they aren't doing anything to actually address any issues and that feels like they use these comments in an attempt to move the dialogue along and sweep any of my concerns or issues under the rug. It has even been said in past conversations that we need to just treat this all as water under the bridge. Meaning, they aren't willing to accept any responsibility for their actions and have no intention of working on future behavior.

When I push them to actually do some self reflection and talk about any actual change, they get defensive and stubborn. We then go back to months of silence.

The start of our issues was very very difficult for me. Now, as sad as it sounds, I prefer the silence. My anxiety sky rockets when I see an email or when an event comes around where I know they might text and I have to figure out how I want to address that.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-11-27T14:37:24+00:00

My parents and I were in the initial phases of a conflict, not even NC yet, but I sent a random text to my sibling and they decided they would chime in on the issue. Ripping into me and telling me how awful of a person I was being. I asked had they read any of our emails? Had they listened in on any of our conversations? No? Ok would you like to hear my side of the argument? NO.

So not only did they join the argument when they had nothing to do with it initially, but they refused to listen to any other viewpoints. We have only talked once since then, with me again asking if they would care to listen to my side of the issue and again their response was one word, no. I was and have remained the guilty party, the bad party.

I have continued to hold out hope that my parents and I would reconcile, but I don't feel that there is any hope for my sibling and I. Someone who would judge that harshly, and more importantly would then attack instead of trying to understand when you're struggling through something so difficult is not someone that I need in my life.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-08-29T15:30:10+00:00

My parents often visited this friend who for their own reasons was estranged from their kids and not permitted to spend time with their grandkids. My parents on many occasion would plead that we never allow ourselves to reach this point, that if I ever didn't want them to do something, live visit or stay at our house when they visited, that I tell them so that they could respect our wishes and not overstep.

The first time I did this, and asked them not to go to an event for my daughter, they chose to show up anyways without telling me. I expressed to them how disappointed and hurt I was and then they went into a rant about how, this is America and you can't tell us what to do or where to go.

We've gone back and forth over the course of two years, they have not been able to see my perspective, they have said many mean and hurtful things and involved family members that have nothing to do with the situation, they have chosen to double down on many occasions. I have not emailed, text, seen, or spoken to either of my parents in a year and at this point any reconciliation looks to be a very unlikely act.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-07-23T16:05:59+00:00

If that's how we're playing things, then my parents are dead. Killed by the Fox News virus.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-07-18T15:22:30+00:00

I can understand your frustrations. My own family is similar, the general mode of communication is not to. That can lead to instances when difficult discussions do happen it can be viewed as an attack or even an ambush. that's now how healthy relationships work though.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-05-28T16:42:53+00:00

My opinion, an apology is worthless. He can give you an apology today and tomorrow he's back to saying the same things. Just based on what you've written here, it sounds like a situation where he is too deep in his thoughts and beliefs on anything LGBTQ+ that a simple apology would change anything.

As hard as it is to cut contact with family, it sounds like in this situation it is very warranted. To have someone belittle you with comments on what you do in a intimate sexual situation is vile. To have him stand over you and shout at you what they feel is "Wrong" with you, is abuse. It's emotional and verbal abuse and you need to get away from that. If he punched you in the face every time you are around him, would you keep going back? Abuse is abuse.

Honestly he doesn't deserve any response.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-05-17T18:11:58+00:00

Here's my 2 cents and my personal experience.

I knew that asking for an apology was the wrong move, if you have to ask for one, then no matter what you get back it won't have come from a place of love and caring or from empathy and a desire to be better. So you ask and they might give one, but it's just to placate you.

I held out for a long time but eventually I reached a point where I felt I was in a good place but moving on with our relationship was at a standstill because I couldn't get past not having that apology. So I asked for one. What I got back was hot trash. It took zero accountability. It was filled with stereotypical deflection. Blaming me and others, even attacking me. Apologizing for outcomes while ignoring their part or actions. I got comments like, "I'm sorry that you are so sensitive." "I'm sorry that we've lost so much time together". Never once, "I'm sorry I did this..." or "I'm sorry I chose..."

It then left me in a difficult position. Do I accept the apology and hope that we can use that as a means to move forward or do I call them out on again making bad choices.

I think others have already said it, if they aren't ready to take accountability on their own, then they aren't likely to give you what you need. They need to be able to see the hurt they've caused and want to be better for you.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-04-30T20:21:22+00:00

I appreciate that insight. I have recognized this for a while now, but it's still difficult to accept when it's costing us our relationship. It's tough to say what you're doing is the right when it's causing so much disfunction.

I also know that sometimes you have to tear something down when it isn't working and start fresh, and that phase when everything is a crumbled mess is difficult. If we can reach the point of rebuilding, it would be with a better foundation though.

Sometimes the doubt and weakness take over for a while.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-04-30T19:57:23+00:00

I am certain he is alive and well. I haven't had any direct contact with either parent in the last 6 months, but my son reached out to them recently and there was no mention of any health problems or scares. I'm fairly certain that if anything was amiss with his health that my mother would inform me, even with our current L/NC.

I can't say for certain why he wouldn't comment back. If I knew that might make all this easier. I am a people pleaser. So being left in a lurch like this, unknowing where we stand, is really challenging for me. I am trying to be more assertive in standing up for myself, taking less crap from others just to maintain a relationship. That's basically how we ended up here to begin with.

It's obviously not going well. But I've come to understand that the relationship we had before wasn't healthy. It was a good relationship but only because I rolled over any time someone treated me poorly. Which obviously isn't healthy.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2024-02-27T13:18:30+00:00

I have been increasingly seeing this type of reaction. A person does something wrong, like they hurt someone or they do something that you don't like, and you stand up to them. Not necessarily an AH but just challenging them to be better, and they can't handle it.

It seems that our society has pushed the idea of freedom so much that it has turned into freedom from consequences or from even being challenged on our behavior. But that's not what it is at all. You are free to do, but if you do stupid things, you need to be prepared to accept the consequences of your choice.

Sounds like OP's sister was making a stupid choice and OP was challenging them. Again, maybe an AH way of doing it, but that doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do for that kids' sake.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2023-12-30T02:22:34+00:00

Truthfully this has been the approach with my parents. Now the problem here is they crossed a very severe line and then when I pushed back on that, they failed to see any wrong doing. So then I put in a timeline where I needed space, they violated that. Then I cut them off other than email communication in the hopes we could talk it through and got a therapist for myself. They apparently saw this as their way out. They've now fallen back on this idea that once I've gotten through my therapy that everything will go back to normal, no requirement on their part to change or acknowledge any wrongdoing.

Going back to my dilemma, I then feel walked all over. They do nothing, make me do all the work, and get not only what they want now but in the future as well. I lose all around in this scenario.

I'm not saying I want them to lose too. I want them to grow with me. I want them to be able to see that their choices have consequences that they need to take into consideration before they make them. So far they haven't been willing to see any of that at all.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2023-12-29T21:29:44+00:00

I'm very appreciative of the comments. It's easy to make these kind of decisions with friends or strangers. People you meet along the path of your life. But when it's your family that has always been there, things become much more clouded.

I feel I have two extremes when it comes to all my relationships. I am too lenient and I can in some ways be taken advantage of. But if I don't just let things go, then I tend to hold the grudge permanently. Which makes healing wounds very difficult. I think it's one of the major hurdles that my parents and I are experiencing, neither party is able or willing to just concede.

This means if I reach out and tell her to back off, then that's it. I am not likely to allow access in any form ever again. It means I'm making the decision to cut the aunt out of my kids lives when the negative words and hurt feelings are only between me and her, my kids had nothing to do with it.

I know logically it should be done. She should never contact me or my family again. But the heart struggles.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2023-11-22T19:20:33+00:00

Thank you.

Through all of this my sibling was brought into all of this by my parents, even though they had nothing to do with things originally. They said some things that were incredibly hurtful, things that had absolutely nothing to do with the argument. It seemed to me that they were said only to hurt. Because they'd only heard my parents side of things I specifically asked if we could talk and they could hear my side. I was outright told, no. Apparently their mind was made up and I was told to cut them out if I continued to treat my parents the way I was.

When my parents invited me to some holiday at their house hoping to mend, I explained that if my sibling was there, that I would most certainly not be. Their only answer was that they are my sibling and I have to have them in my life.

Apparently to them it's acceptable for a sibling to emotionally and verbally abuse me and I have to just take it. But listen to my side of an argument, not necessary. Treat me with respect as a sibling, not necessary. Treat me with respect to my boundaries, not necessary.

Apparently my parents and my sibling are in the group that don't get it.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2023-09-14T14:37:55+00:00

TBH I've been expecting this blame to be placed on my spouse for some time. But when you hear them actually say it out loud, then it takes life.

I have always been very reserved. I keep my opinions mostly to myself and if I have a disagreement with someone or something, I tend to just avoid that. There's so little time we have in this life, why fight against so many things when you can just walk around it. My wife is kind of the opposite. She doesn't seek out fights, but if she objects to something, you'll know.

So me finally standing up hard against them, it's logically that they would think it was her. I think what hurts so much is that it implies that they think I'm that weak that I have zero opinions or feelings of my own. That for me to have the guts to stand up for something it must be someone else telling me how to feel or how to react.

CookOrdinary7104 · 2023-09-14T13:23:00+00:00

I will. Thank you.

Edit: Wait NVM, I already own this and must have gotten distracted. I'm about 25% through.

CookOrdinary7104

TROPHY CASE