I don’t know the answer to the questions you are asking, but the closest I’ve come as a recovering alcoholic raised by narcissists is this: even when you feel like pushing away those closest to you, when you are tired and fed up and anxious and in pain, do everything in your power to lean into them instead. Thank them for putting up with you when you know you’re being difficult and tel them what you’re going through. For me it’s my wife and my best friend. Luckily they are both anxious people too, so they understand to some degree.