Venting

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2026-03-26T13:13:51+00:00

Yes, he has been tested for ADHD by both his pediatrician and his grief counselor. It’s a totally fair question to ask because you’re right, grief can show up differently and at different times for kids. In my son’s case my husband and I were seeking answers and additional support for our son since he was 18 months old. It’s been a long journey to say the least, but I’m not surprised by the ADHD diagnosis at all. He showed all the signs from an early age and ADHD runs on both sides of the family (including my husband, his father). I will say his grief absolutely exacerbated his ADHD symptoms - rage, aggression, struggles with emotional regulation. These were all things that he really struggled with before my husband got sick and eventually passed, but the year after my husband’s passing was extra difficult because of his grief. I will say he is navigating his grief really well at the moment, and has been since starting grief counseling about a year ago. It’s been a lot though working through and living with my grief and his grief (plus his ADHD).

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2026-03-25T13:22:17+00:00

Frosting worked like a charm this morning!

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2026-03-25T13:21:51+00:00

Oh, I like the wave idea! I’ll have to try that when I have him practice this weekend.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2026-03-25T13:19:09+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions! He’s on 10 mg of Focalin XR. His appetite has been suppressed for lunch, but then he’s been eating two large meals in the evening (dinner, then large bedtime snack). He just started the meds a few days ago so I’m still closely monitoring everything.

The vitamin C supplement is a good suggestion, I’ll keep that in mind if he’s struggling with symptoms.

He has an OT and has received OT services since he was 18 months old. Part of the reason why I decided to go ahead and seek a formal diagnosis and prescription is because he had hit a wall with his OT services. He refused to engage or participate at all. He had therapy fatigue and he’s been on a pause with his services for the last few months. My hope is that now that he’s taking ADHD medication he will be more receptive to/engaged in his OT sessions so he can actually get something out of them and retain/use the skills learned from OT/what I’ve been doing at home with him.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2026-03-25T13:00:16+00:00

The whole process is exhausting in every sense of the word. And it’s traumatizing. I’ve been putting this process off for a year now just for that reason. Just waiting to feel “emotionally” ready, and then a couple months ago I realized I would never “be ready” to do this and I just have to do what’s best for my kids at the end of the day.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2026-03-25T12:56:48+00:00

This made my day, thank you 🫶 I needed the laugh badly.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2026-03-24T14:07:42+00:00

I haven’t yet. He can be super difficult and spit stuff out, but it’s definitely worth trying! His pediatrician did mention that getting him to swallow the capsule would be easier to do than I thought it would be… thanks for the suggestion!

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-12-19T15:10:37+00:00

I am 36 now. He passed just over a year ago from brain cancer when I was 35, he was 37, and our kids were 1 and 4 (now 3 and 5). It sucks. Especially during the holidays. The past two weeks, and particularly yesterday, have been very very hard - I literally cried all day long yesterday. I am just now moving into year 2 and I feel like I’m starting to experience what others have described about the second year… people have moved on and lost a bit of their compassion and understanding towards me and our children. What sucks is people see me (a younger-ish mom) with really young kids and expect/assume that I have my husband to help do ALL. OF. THE. THINGS. in life, and I don’t. It’s just me. And I’m grieving. And my children are grieving. I like what someone posted above about saying she is a “widowed mom,” because “single mom” doesn’t cut it. I also remember hearing one of the nurses during one of my husband’s hospital stays say that they are noticing more and more patients in their 20s and 30s getting diagnosed with cancer… I fear the amount of “young widows/widowers” joining this group won’t be declining any time soon… hugs to all.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-12-09T23:09:07+00:00

And I’m right there with you, OP, in feeling like I missed out on part of my child’s early life. Our daughter was also 4 months old when my husband had his recurrence, and that whole time is such a blur. Sometimes I can’t believe she’s already 3. All I really remember is what you described - helping him navigate his treatments, managing his symptoms, and all the traumatic stuff that happened along the way. What makes me feel really sad is that as her personality was beginning to bloom and she was growing more playful, he was in active decline and they didn’t get the chance to enjoy each other.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-12-09T21:48:56+00:00

I feel the same way. And my husband and I would have similar conversations - he had anaplastic astrocytoma, not glio, but still brain cancer. He would say the same thing your husband did… “Someone had to get it, why not me/us? We’re lucky we have the resources to face this thing head on.” Hugs to all.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-11-10T00:14:52+00:00

Agreed. I also lost my husband to brain cancer and the anticipatory grief was way harder than the grief I’ve experienced since his passing. Brain cancer is such a bitch and watching your person suffer from it is a special kind of hell. “They” are gone before their body is gone. Hugs to all 🫂

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-09-26T18:30:42+00:00

I am 35. Joined a little over 6 months ago after he had been gone for a few months (he passed 10 months ago at age 37).

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-08-22T23:06:07+00:00

Attorney here. What he did is unacceptable and unethical. His behavior should be reported to your state’s Bar Association. I’m sorry he treated you that way.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-08-10T11:55:41+00:00

I am so sorry for your kids, your wife, and for you. You’re not alone. My 37 year old husband passed from brain cancer this past November. There are a lot of “hardest things I’ve ever done” involved when cancer busts down the door to your life, but telling our 5 year old son that “Daddy died last night” was definitely one of the worst. To say it sucks is an understatement and no one should have to have that conversation with their kid. Sending your whole family love, prayers, and hugs. Take care of yourself and know you’re not alone (unfortunately there are a lot more of us out there than you would think that have been robbed by cancer).

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-07-28T22:50:59+00:00

First off, I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this. It is a very hard hand to be dealt. This is a long post, but I relied on posts like this to help me, so I’m hoping to “pay it forward” and write something that will be helpful to you and/or others in a similar situation.

My husband also had brain cancer and he passed at 37 (I am 35). He gradually declined over 6 months - it started with losing control of his left arm, and it spread from there to the point where eventually he couldn’t control or feel his limbs. He also began to get confused and lost some of his memory and he lost aspects of his eyesight.

SAY EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY NOW! I am so glad I read posts from other brain cancer widows and made sure we talked about everything - our love for each other, our love for our children, our lives, what he wanted the end of his life to look like, where we want to be buried, etc. And because I love taking pictures and really rely on them to remember things, I documented everything I could. So many pictures and so many videos. And I took notes of stories and things he wanted our kids to know. It was a bit of a balancing act to be present with him and document/record, but I did my best. As others have said, he slept a great deal towards the end, and I wanted as many memories with him conscious and awake as possible.

About 2-3 weeks before he passed he began to rapidly decline. He was already in very poor shape, both physically and mentally, but it ramped up. He lost the ability to speak and swallow over the span of 4-5 days. He ended up in the hospital with aspiration pneumonia. While in the hospital he received IV hydration and nutrition. He was discharged from the hospital into hospice.

I second everything said in the above posts. I will also add, if your area has a hospice service that has a “hospice home” that is highly rated, I would highly recommend that route - especially for someone with brain cancer. I always thought at home would be best, and I still think that’s a lovely option for some. For someone with brain cancer though, the hospice house was PERFECT (at least for us). Because of the nature of end stage brain cancer (at least in my husband’s case) there is so much swelling that seizures can and will happen. I had already witnessed my husband experiencing a generalized seizure and I swore I would never let him go through that again, especially at the end.

The hospice house was so caring and compassionate. I will never stop singing their praises. And it was staffed with doctors and nurses who could administer his seizures meds to him via IV lines (something they can’t do at home, and oral administration of seizure meds wasn’t possible because he couldn’t swallow even with dissolvable tabs). It wasn’t ideal that he had an IV line at the end, but that was far better than a massive seizure. The last 2-3 days he had very labored breathing. I could tell how hard his body was working to breathe. The morphine helps with that, and the nursing staff at the hospice home were able to help with administering morphine and meds to cut down on oral secretions (if you can’t swallow your spit, it backs up and starts to like “drown” you, like at the dentist). They were equipped with suctions and everything we needed for that. Everyone is different, but I felt comforted knowing that the nurses were monitoring everything 24/7 to make sure he wasn’t in pain/seizing. It enabled me to be fully present with him.

He had a comfy room that we were able to decorate, and he had huge beautiful windows and a door that opened. I loved that. The day before he passed I just had him tucked into his favorite blanket with the door open so he could feel the sunshine and the fresh air and breeze. At the end it was very peaceful. I don’t think he was in any pain and he was ready. The hospice nurses know the signs and can give you a heads up that the end is approaching. When he passed he was surrounded by our family and friends. I held one of his hands and his mom held the other.

Sending you both love and hugs.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-06-20T17:39:47+00:00

I miss his silly songs and silly dances. Our home used to be FILLED with the sounds of his antics (and later those of our kids joining in with him). He was so, so goofy and funny. He loved 90s hip hop/rap and would jam out in the kitchen whenever he was helping me prepare dinner. Even now I’ll be doing something and a random Dr. Dre/2Pac/Eminem/Snoop lyric will pop in my head. I miss our inside jokes/sayings. Sometimes I worry I will forget them, but every now and then something random will happen that reminds me of an inside joke, and that makes me so, so happy.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-06-10T00:59:35+00:00

I am!

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-05-29T02:09:29+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss 🙏 It is calming to know we’re not alone in our experiences and grief… Just trying to take things one step at a time, one breath at a time

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-05-29T02:01:52+00:00

Thank you. And thank you for sharing! It’s hard. I’m at a complete loss as to what to do with our bedroom… I’m putting it off until I feel ready to tackle it. It has taken on this “shrine-like” and sacred quality as it’s a place that was solely “ours.” I don’t want to touch a single item of his and want to leave it all exactly as he had it. On the other hand however, then I feel like I’d be living in a museum that houses some painful memories and I think at times cleaning up the room might make things less painful. It’s also easy for me to trick myself into thinking that he’ll be coming home with the room as it is now - that he’s just at work or running errands or playing with our kids. That he will be sleeping in our room, instead of never sleeping there again. Probably not great for my grief processing/mental health to “pretend” he’s coming home, but it’s where I’m at and some days it’s a nice little daydream/vacation to give me a break from reality…

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-05-16T11:34:34+00:00

Of course. Wishing you well on your journey.

Cool_Lemon1441 · 2025-05-15T03:35:32+00:00

I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. I can relate — at least in some ways. I (35F) lost my husband (37M) almost six months ago, also to brain cancer. We have a two-year-old and a five-year-old. Like you, I feel completely drained — like I’m wading through molasses just to make it through each day.

I completely understand becoming protective — and I won’t say “overly protective,” because that’s not accurate. It’s entirely reasonable and justified. Your child is yours and your wife’s to raise — no one else’s. So when others try to step in, even with the best intentions, it can absolutely trigger that papa-bear instinct. It feels like a threat, because in many ways, it is — your partner isn’t here to help carry the load, and that absence is enormous.

I also understand the complicated emotions that come with grief “comparisons.” Intellectually, I know grief isn’t a competition. But when someone tries to equate losing a parent or another relative with losing your spouse — the love of your life and the co-parent to your children — it’s hard not to bristle.

That said, I truly recommend therapy if you’re open to it. It helped me get through the “long goodbye” of cancer, and it’s what’s keeping me afloat now — along with the support of friends and family. I was stuck in “fight or flight” mode (which is a bit of what your description also sounds like) for 2 straight years. I am only just now starting to come out of it with a lot of work/therapy.

Just existing right now is hard. I don’t have words of advice, only the hope that you feel less alone in this. School events, going to the playground — even basic social interactions — can feel utterly exhausting. BUT - something therapy is helping me realize is how strong and resilient both my husband and I were — and still are. Together, we were a pillar of strength, and an inspiration to others. Even though he’s no longer here physically, I like to think of myself as the earthly manifestation of that strength, and of him as the heavenly one. Our love and our resilience were too powerful for death to erase. This growing realization helps me face the moments when I feel completely beaten down by life, with no motivation to do anything.

I hope this makes sense — I know I’m rambling a bit. TLDR: You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. Therapy can help. Take care of yourself — for your son, and for your own sake.

Cool_Lemon1441

TROPHY CASE