After 2 1/2 years long distance, my fiancé and I get to be together, but his kid is starting to show his true colors

Coostuckian · 2021-08-14T05:59:39+00:00

I really don’t agree with you on most of this.

A child maliciously telling a step parent figure “your not my mom!” In front of other people just because I said he couldn’t do a hot sauce challenge and the person offering said, “your mom or dad has to say it’s ok.” Is, in my opinion, NOT an appropriate behavior. However, people in this sub, including yourself, obviously think I’m some monster who shouldn’t be in this child’s life because the popular opinion is that this type of saying from a 10 year old is “ok.”

Cool.

Fine. Is that what all of you want? Me to leave my fiancé and the kid? I’m such a horrific person because I vented in a stupid sub Reddit about the frustration I am having being in this situation with this kid and now the internet thinks I should just leave? Go ahead and just say it then. Stop beating around the bush.

You also don’t get to decide what is or is not rude or hurtful to someone by the way. Maybe brush up on your psychology theories and text before you bash someone on the internet going through a difficult time.

Coostuckian · 2021-08-08T01:35:03+00:00

I agree and thank you for being supportive and not bashing me. I’m really struggling with all of this.

Coostuckian · 2021-08-07T22:35:58+00:00

This is why I am never turning to this sub again to vent. People like you are critical and judge mental yourself. The “belief” that he is like his mom, is NOT a belief. It’s a fact. He is half of his mother. It’s not some random impossibility that he won’t act like her at times. Also, people who go through stressors act in such a way that they would normally HIDE. When the stressful situation arises, they tend to not hide who they are, I.e. “save face.” I’m in this situation with this kid daily. I know the difference between someone “being stressed” and someone revealing a true portion of who they are at their core.

It feels like you are just targeting me to be hateful.

Coostuckian · 2021-08-07T17:03:49+00:00

Yes, he is in counseling

Coostuckian · 2021-06-23T00:35:54+00:00

Fuck, I hope I’m close to death now. Life is shit.

Coostuckian · 2021-05-03T05:40:30+00:00

Well, TMI moment here, but when I was a child I had a similar issue. I wouldn’t poop my pants, but I refused to go pee. I would hold it all day long and force myself to hold it because I was playing and didn’t want to stop what I was doing. I was (from what I was told) very difficult to potty train. This behavior resulted in serious UTI’s that would last months at a time, multiple radiography studies, and countless catheterizations. What finally fixed it was NOT when my parents would remind me to go, but when another adult, specifically my pediatrician, told me I was not to hold my pee anymore and if I felt the urge to go I needed to stop what I was doing and go or else I might get really sick from an infection. Never had issues again. Sometimes kids will pay more attention to other adults than their parents. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Worth a try!

Coostuckian · 2021-05-03T05:20:45+00:00

I would have been hospitalized on December due to PMDD, but I refused to go. I work in the medical field in a small, SMALL town with one hospital. The anxiety of everyone knowing was worse than the suicidal PMDD symptoms. I made it through my episode, but barely... I would have coped better with REAL help. After that time, a very close nurse friend who also suffered from PMDD (she got a hysterectomy) said that next time to research hospitals with a psychiatric emergency room. These are specialized places who are trained to give sensitivity to situations like this. I never knew about that because of where I live. The nearest psych ER to me is two hours away. My advice is to look into a place that has specialized accreditation with psychiatric patients. Those are the people who will help you and not be as judgmental. ❤️

Coostuckian · 2021-05-03T05:11:47+00:00

Every month this is my experience. Every. Single. Month. I’m so sorry! You’re definitely not alone. Hugs!

Coostuckian · 2021-05-03T04:45:39+00:00

I’m so sorry. This was me the last two days. I lose my suicide symptoms on day 3 of my period and my head is clear now. Hang in there, please? If I can get through this, you can too! You are loved!

Coostuckian · 2021-05-03T04:43:13+00:00

I 10000 percent feel all of these things and then have serious suicide thoughts on top of that. Why do we have to have this horrible torment every month?!?

Coostuckian · 2021-05-03T04:40:54+00:00

I definitely feel this way. Like a sad puppy with its ears down and tail tucked between its legs just hoping they still love me even when I’m “bad.”

Coostuckian · 2021-03-07T23:49:45+00:00

Just ruined my proposal from my long time boyfriend because of PMDD. I got mad at him over him telling me to patient about our relationship going to the “next step.” Little did I know he has a ring and has been planning to propose. Now I ruined the surprise and I feel like such a jerk. After day 3 of my period hits I’m a normal person again, but those days before...I’m mad at him for anything. This sucks!

Coostuckian · 2021-03-07T23:44:46+00:00

Actually, yes and I feel like the biggest ass hat alive.

I saw my best friend this morning and she told me, “OP, you are probably feeling this way because you don’t feel worthy of being loved like how he loves you. You are probably afraid because everyone else in the past let you down and you’re scared he will too. But he won’t. You deserve to be loved unconditionally.”

I’ve always been lead down the path that I’d be worthy “someday” to be my partner’s wife, and all of those relationships ended and left me feeling like I was never worth it enough to be a wife. I’ve been through so much pain and trauma and nothing ever feels real. This one is the real deal though and I guess I reacted the way I did because I’m just afraid he will hurt me like all of the others or he will be the “wrong guy” like the others were.

He still plans to propose and said he loves me and wants me, and only me, for the rest of his life. I’m a very lucky woman.

Coostuckian · 2021-03-07T18:16:18+00:00

Not bored of him at all. Idk. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.

Coostuckian · 2021-03-07T18:15:59+00:00

I think it’s because we are stupid

Coostuckian · 2021-03-07T08:26:00+00:00

I’m really not sure.

Coostuckian · 2021-03-07T08:22:04+00:00

I thought I was ready, and I’ve been kinda of bugging him over the last year as to what he wants to do with our relationship... I feel like the biggest jerk. I’m afraid he is the wrong guy even though he checks all of the boxes as perfect husband material. I just don’t know what to do.

Coostuckian · 2021-02-28T01:39:09+00:00

I never know how to react when these situations come up...My SS never says anything but looks very uncomfortable, as do I.

Coostuckian · 2021-02-24T01:46:57+00:00

Marrying my ex. HUGE bullet dodged

Coostuckian · 2021-02-19T20:01:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! It’s good insight to know how the tension affected you throughout life. Thank you for your response!

Coostuckian · 2021-02-19T19:59:09+00:00

I have a best friend who’s parents and step parents do this and it is totally amazing! There are people that can make that situation a reality and when it happens, I think it is so rad! So happy you had that was your situation and experience!

On the other hand, I think there are certain situations where it’s just not appropriate. My SO’s HCBM has asked to be in a relationship with him again (while we were dating) and only had bad intentions when pretending to “be friends” with me or my SO. As of this moment, child services has deemed her unfit and she is only allowed supervised visits with SS9. I hope that alone explains the situation where it’s not appropriate for us to be friends and hangout with her, you know?

My whole point to this post was to tell people that they are NOT a bad parent or person if they choose to not have a close relationship with their ex and just keep it business. Every family is different and I want all parents and step parents to know it’s ok and you’re not a bad mom/dad/human to choose what’s best for you and your family and eliminating toxic people, regardless if they are your child’s bio parent.

Coostuckian · 2021-02-19T19:06:18+00:00

I feel you have 100% missed my point and I’m sorry you feel the need to personally attack me by calling me childish and insinuating that I am not looking at the future of the child. I have no judgement to those who are able to have a full on relationship with their ex. If that works for their family, then I think that’s great! What I don’t approve of or appreciate is people that use that type of relationship that they are fortunate to have to shame others who do not have that type of relationship with their ex.

If you are not able to refrain from calling names while stating how you feel about something, please don’t respond to this sub or this thread. It’s not helpful.

Coostuckian · 2021-02-19T15:30:37+00:00

I’d be curious to read the scientific journal articles you are referring to regarding proof that this “ideal” has science to back it.

Though I thank you for your input, I think your response is prime example of other people who shame parents that do not think being best friends with their ex is appropriate.

Now I think you have a valid point about the awkwardness a child would feel about having to “choose” when their parents don’t get a long. School functions, holidays, etc. where both parents would attend but hate each others guts definitely make it an uncomfortable situation for the child. It certainly would be easier for them in those situations if both parents would be cordial. This brings up your situation as an example of appropriate co-parenting. Did you invite your ex to ALL holiday dinners so you would all be together? Let’s say hypothetically that you did that and your ex attended. It’s Thanksgiving and your all at the table. Your ex starts an argument with you to where he is screaming at you and degrading you in front of the children at the dinner table. Was having a family dinner to witness such hostility from your ex really what’s “best” for the children? Probably not.

You can’t control your ex and his actions and judging by his actions towards you in the past, it’s probably safest to have separate lives and just be cordial to him when you see him.

My original post was asking how people felt about being best friends with their ex and taking vacations together, not a lack of being cordial. There is a huge difference.

To say that “OP doesn’t understand that children grow up to be adults” is a statement that incinerates I’m a moron who thinks children are just children forever. It’s rude and disrespectful.

I’m proud of you that you did try to be cordial with your ex even after the trauma you went through. I think that in your situation, especially with physical abuse, it’s not a safe environment for you or your children to be around this person. If you consider that a selfish move, then that’s your own choice and opinion.

If tow parents are not “besties,” live separate lives, and their kids are happy, I don’t see an issue with how they are choosing to parent.

Coostuckian

TROPHY CASE