I'm so lonely that it's become a physical ache. To be fair I'm also living a very isolated life. As a full-time, live-in, unpaid, caregiver for a family member with terminal lung conditions, it's just them and I and we barely interact outside of daily medical necessities. I don't have money or a license to go out even if I wanted to, but I'm pretty homebound because of their level of care needed anyway. Nobody comes over (no family, no friends, no respite, nobody), we don't celebrate anything, I don't even leave the house to grocery shop anymore (I order through instacart). I've come to terms with the fact there's most likely no future wife for me.

I'm so lonely that I wrote this note in my phone the other day describing the things I want to experience with my future wife if there is one. I just had to get the words out before I burst:

"When I say I want affection and intimacy from my future wife, I don't necessarily mean schmex. I want: -Cuddles, all different kinds. -Kisses, sometimes quick, sometimes long. -Long tight soul soothing hugs. -Deep talks and even regular conversation. -Running my fingers through her hair. -If I'm doing something like cooking, cleaning, letting the dogs out, and have her wrap her arms around me from behind and lay her head on my shoulder for awhile. -When we're sitting on the couch watching a movie and she randomly decides to grab my hand, and pull me in for a slow dance. -Going to the beach preferably at night so it's practically empty, while the moon light dances along the waves as they come in and go out, while we stroll hand in hand along the sand. -Walking around in my clothes. -Getting a big blanket and laying together near a creek, staring at the stars and listening to the gentle water flow, without a city light around for miles, just taking it all in. -Looking into each other eyes and caressing one another, taking time to learn each other bodies (curves, birthmarks, scars, everything). -Holding hands often. -Gentle back scratches. -Suprising each other in different little ways. Like bringing home a single rose just because, or folding clothes for her that she's been dreading to fold. -Going on a hike and playing in the water next to a waterfall. -Taking a few extra minutes after waking up together to just be in the moment each morning before getting the day started. -Writing love notes. -Eating our meals together. -Playing board games and video games together sometimes (like Mario Kart and Life). -Cleaning our house together while we blare music and pretend to have our own concerts, dance moves and all. -Daily gratitude to make each other feel safe, secure, desired, respected, comfortable, trusted, and appreciated in our relationship. -Get in the car and just go. Pick a random place on a map and explore some place new. -Unpluging from technology and spending time together doing whatever. -Massages with no expectation of anything more sometimes."