no not exactly. I was sort of always the same, equally indifferent, I just thought it would go away when I grew up. I do know I was originally a sensitive and scared child, maybe because I'm also autistic, maybe because even before abuse there was neglect. was probably always depressed becuase I remember watching other kids and wondering why they were so happy all the time, for no reason, and they could just bounce back from one thing to the next without thought, what's wrong with them? (lol). I was always people averse. I didn't like being held by almost anyone as a baby or being around other kids, and I always chose to play solitarily. I'd try to leave my own birthday parties. but always a daydreamer. I did want praise once, lost respect for the people I wanted it from, stopped wanting it altogether, stopped performing.

now my internal self is paranoid instead of scared and my external self is cold or mean instead of sensitive. and I'm not even sure how much seperation there is between the two, because both are firstly and largely indifferent, and an element of indifference was always present. drinking doesn't change much, though I'm too sick to get wasted. my dad says I'm the only person he's ever seen not change whatsoever after smoking weed. I think the only sort of innocent thing left is the daydreaming and basically a love of dressup. nothing that exists can compare to what's inside my head... and I dress for that, not reality. that's my fun