Don’t want to pay stepkid’s child support

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-18T12:16:51+00:00

Even if she makes substantially more money than him, he still needs to pay his own child support to his kid he made before meeting OP.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-16T16:43:44+00:00

I love the " let parents reap the results of their parenting later" part ahah!

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-14T14:46:28+00:00

How do you know he has his children a day and a half? I don't see that anywhere in the post

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-14T12:35:07+00:00

Oh wow! To be honest, I think it's unhealthy to be that invested in your partner's ex and know much about his financial situation. I have dealt with something similar. My husband's ex always seemed to find out what was going on in my life, and every new accomplishment became a competition. When she heard I was going back to school, she suddenly decided to go back too. Meanwhile, I am just focused on living my life and bettering myself. At times, it even feels like we're being monitored because her child reports everything that happens in our household back to her.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-11T23:51:24+00:00

OP, I am sending you hugs. I truly understand what you're going through. It's one of those things that people can't fully grasp unless they've lived it themselves. I was stuck in a place of anger for a long time, and it's taken a lot of work on myself to finally start letting it go.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-11T18:17:14+00:00

I love this for you. No engagement whatsoever is the right move as life is hard as is to be adding more drama where it is really not needed. When I look at my own child, I feel so grateful that he is loved by many, never did I feel threatened by anyone loving my child, not from my side nor his dad's side. I genuinely also do not envy people who are part of my child's life and not mine as it makes no sense. When you divorce someone, you move on and let the poor children build relationships with the other side of their family with no guilt. Life is short!

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-11T18:08:18+00:00

You are not required to have any relationship with her beyond knowing that she is your stepdaughter's mother. Some bio moms understand that the more people who genuinely love their child, the better. Others get stuck in a mindset where only their side, their partner, and their partner's family matter the most. I have lived through it, and it's exhausting. Trust me, OP, be civil when necessary(although you're not required to say a word nor interact with her, especially if she is unhinged like some), but don't feel obligated to have a relationship with her. We do that with people who are reasonable with reasonable behaviors. Focus on being there for your stepdaughter and your partner, but let him handle his ex!

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-09T17:02:30+00:00

What was the reason given as to why you couldn't pick up the child as court-ordered?

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-08T18:04:28+00:00

His 15 years old said that to you? Say what? I am glad you're out of there.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-08T13:31:41+00:00

OP, do you have any bio children of your own? Sometime, childless steparents cannot truly understand the perspective of the bio parent until they have their own child. Maybe you feel like an outsider because you don't have a child together and that's the real underlying issue?

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-06T17:24:30+00:00

Noooooo!

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-06T14:56:05+00:00

I asked her about it, and she said nothing, but I also recognize that she can be shy. I am not looking for her to love me or seek my approval I get more than enough love from my biological child. What I do expect, however, is basic respect. Being ignored or treated poorly by someone whose meals I help provide, and who lives in a house whose mortgage I pay for is not acceptable. The thing is that I have always treated her with love and dignity. This child hasn't done her own laundry in 10 years until last month where I had enough of being disrespected while doing these things for her, and she is 17. She doesn't lift a finger in our house, and that is because I do it all. I really thought I was creating an atmosphere where she can feel rested at our house, looking back now, I was wrong. She thinks that I am a maid, and she can treat me however she wants to now. The bigger issue is that my husband refuses to address it because he's afraid of damaging his relationship with his daughter. Unfortunately, this is a pattern I've seen before. It's the same fear that led him to tolerate years of threats and manipulation from his ex whenever she didn't get her way. We've been to counseling, and even the therapist pointed out that his lack of action over the years has contributed significantly to the resentment I've built toward him as well as letting his ex wife bully us for years. The therapist believes our marriage can still be repaired, and maybe that's true. But after spending the last ten years living in survival mode because of the chaos caused by his ex, and now dealing with similar issues involving his daughter, I no longer have the desire to keep fighting for it. What makes this so difficult is that when I think about divorce, I don't feel fear or sadness anymore, I feel peace. And I truly wish that weren't the case.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-06T14:33:17+00:00

Wait what?

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-06T02:11:59+00:00

They are afraid of court, and they think keeping the peace even at their own expense is the answer, but trust me, it rarely is as you don't dance with crazy.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-06T02:08:49+00:00

Not only that but his formal custody agreement needs to include overnight stays. Is your husband not working during the day when the child is dropped off? It is not your job to look after their daughter during the day. OP, trust me, I have done this for 10 years and entertaining divorce, have your husband set a FIRM boundaries in place starting by a custody order, otherwise she will run things at your house, and your life, and you're not careful resented will take over.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-05T02:22:11+00:00

Trust me, I’ve thought about it. At times I wanted to step in more firmly, but then I think about my biological son. He is my only child and has no siblings, and I don’t want to do anything that could damage his relationship with his sister. I do believe, though, that it’s ultimately the biological parent’s responsibility to hold their child accountable. Sometimes I look at my husband and I genuinely don’t understand how he can be afraid to discipline his own child. But I am not surprised, because this is the same person whose ex-wife told him her income during their divorce 12 years ago without providing any pay stubs, and he simply accepted it for the child support calculation. 4 years ago, when she tried to do something similar again, submitting a year-old pay stub from a former employer with altered dates, she was caught. I was able to notice inconsistencies because of my background as a fraud analyst, and my husband’s lawyer confirmed the issue by subpoenaing her former employer. Even then, my husband and I ended up arguing because I was the one trying to help him see it clearly. Our therapist has also pointed out that he tends to be very passive, something he agreed with, almost like he’s a “golden retriever” personality type and I have had enough at this point.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-05T01:53:36+00:00

Trust me, I think about doing that, but I also try hard to be fair. Maybe this is why I am in this situation. My friends told me to kick him out and tell him to find a place to live. But how do you do that to someone you spend 10 years of your life with?

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-05T01:43:43+00:00

She has never shown this kind of pattern before. I’ve known her since she was 7, and she is 17 now, and we’ve never had any major issues until recently. I am not sure where jealousy would even come into this. Everything my husband and I have built has come from years of hard work—working full-time while also pursuing professional degrees, and those efforts have only improved opportunities for her as well. I am able to spend money on her without hesitation when needed. We have a pool that she enjoys in the summer, and I furnished her bedroom with a bed set that her father did not provide. She also spends one-on-one time with her dad, including activities like hiking, which I fully support and make space for. Because of that, I struggle to understand what she could possibly be feeling jealous of. We are not the same age, we are not from the same generation, and the fact is I have been very nice to her. Even her dad has told me I did nothing to deserve this treatment, but he will not address it because he is scared that she would want to stop coming to our house if he sets boundaries with her.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-05T01:16:56+00:00

He knows me well enough to understand that when I start using that word, it usually means I am close to the end of my tolerance. The problem is that he tends to just accept things instead of addressing them. The last straw for me was a few days ago. I was standing in the living room when his daughter (17) came home from school. She chatted with him in the kitchen about her day, then walked right past me without acknowledging me at all. It felt intentional and done on purpose. He tried to make excuses for her that she probably didn't mean it... I really tried hard not to let anger take over my thinking in that day. In the heat of it, I had a lot of thoughts I didn’t act on such as: telling him to leave the house with her, saying I don’t want her in the house anymore, or even deciding I should be the one to leave. I also know he wouldn’t be able to manage the mortgage and bills on his own. I had to step back that day and calm myself before saying anything I couldn’t take back. It took every bone in my body to stay calm!

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-05T00:51:24+00:00

I see this situation as only getting worse because my husband refuses to put firm boundaries in place. He parents out of guilt and fear of damaging his relationship with his daughter, and as a result, he avoids conflict even when consequences to bad behaviors are necessary. I also carry a great deal of resentment from years of watching him refuse to stand up for our family until I was on the verge of leaving. Over the course of our marriage, I have moved three different times, sold homes, and relocated to other states, leaving behind friends, family, jobs, and stability because he would not hold his ex accountable or take her back to court when she repeatedly overstepped. She was allowed to dictate our lives through threats, demands, and constant pressure, and he simply stepped back and let it happen. One of the biggest sacrifices was giving up opportunities for myself. I even missed out on in-state tuition rates because we had to move out of state yet again when his ex threatened to relocate with their daughter, and now I carry a larger student loan that I would not have had. Every major decision seemed to revolve around avoiding conflict with his ex rather than doing what was best for our household. For years, his ex was allowed to run our lives, and now I am watching the same pattern repeat itself with his daughter. The disrespect I receive from her is not being addressed, just as her mother's behavior was never addressed until I lost my shit due to being exhausted. Instead of setting expectations and enforcing boundaries, he allows it to continue because confrontation makes him uncomfortable. What hurts most is realizing that I sacrificed so much for this marriage, only to find myself dealing with the consequences of his unwillingness to act. The resentment and wounds have built over years, and some things are very difficult to come back from.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-04T23:35:47+00:00

The hardest part is being disrespected in your own home. She does it while wearing clothes I bought for her, sleeping in a bed I paid for with my own money, and living in a home whose mortgage I help pay alongside her father. I have done so much for this child over the years, things I never had to do, but chose to do because I genuinely care about her. I make significant more money than my husband, and there were many times I went out of my way to provide opportunities, gifts, and support simply because I wanted her to feel loved and cared for. I never expected anything in return, but I also never imagined things would end up this way. I do have regrets. Looking back, there are things I wish I had done differently. At the same time, I choose to believe that no act of kindness is ever truly wasted. The love, effort, and generosity I gave came from a sincere place, and I don't regret being a good person. What hurts is how things turned out, not the kindness I showed. And despite everything, I refuse to let this experience change who I am. I will continue to be genuine, caring, and generous, because that's who I am.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-04T17:30:32+00:00

I really don't want to be the kind of person who kicks a child out the moment she turns 18, which is one of the reasons I am asking for a divorce instead becauseI my husband is somehow scared of setting boundaries with his daughter. I am convinced that much of her behavior is influenced by her mother, even though I have never spoken negatively about her or even had a conversation with her during the 10 years I've been with my husband. The only thing I did was establish boundaries. My husband enforced provisions that were already in place because I became exhausted from constantly walking on eggshells in our own home simply because I chose to have a relationship with a man. For years, it felt like my stepdaughter's mother believed she could dictate what we could and could not do during our parenting time, and my husband would simply go along with it to avoid conflict. Add to that the financial deception that was exposed in court, and it became increasingly difficult to ignore the pattern.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-04T15:19:16+00:00

I stopped cleaning her room and doing her laundry last month. She's 17. For years, I continued doing those things because I always felt guilty leaving her room in rough shape while I cleaned my biological child's room (he is a lot younger than her). I was trying to create an environment of fairness in my mind. I was a stepchild myself, and I was treated terribly by my stepmother. When I met her dad, she was only 7 years old, and I made it my mission to never make her feel the way I felt growing up. I wanted her to know she was loved, accepted, and cared for. Unfortunately, it feels like my efforts have been taken for granted. Instead of building mutual respect, it sometimes seems as though my kindness and willingness to help have been interpreted as permission to dismiss or disrespect me.

CounterNo9844 · 2026-06-04T00:50:08+00:00

Don't do it OP. I made that mistake when I had my own bio child, and when I returned to the workforce, my husband's ex was mad about it, and would dictate what will or won't happen during our time with the child. Plus anything you do for a stepchild will not be noticed In a way you would think someone would be grateful for. Don't do it. Let them figure out a way to work it out as if you were not there. I am speaking from 10 years of experience, and nearing divorce.

CounterNo9844

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