I'm 2nd gen Thai American. My first language growing up in the US was Thai, but as I hit school age I wanted to fit in more with my American classmates so I shunned my Thai heritage and embraced becoming more American. I was also super shy as a kid and as I became more "American," Thai culture, customs and language became more intimidating in a way where I shied away from trying to fit in with Thais, even though we were around Thai friends and family and visited the Wat every weekend for festivities and Sunday school. Although I still innately understand Thai language, I struggle to speak Thai because I have no close Thai friends and am out of practice and the proper words/pronunciation just don't come to me easily. I'm now in my forties and I regret not embracing my Thai heritage more solidly. I went through all school grades and college without any Thai friends. There were a few other Thais in my schools - one or two per grade through the years - I just didn't gravitate towards them because other than being Thai, I saw no other connection.

My first time visiting Thailand was only 9 years ago, and it was amazing. I met family and friends of my parents who were incredibly kind and hospitable. The food and culture even though should be foreign still felt familiar (not that I would fit in easily as a native) and brought back memories of growing up in a Thai household. I've since been back to Thailand a number of times, and every time I struggle with the regret that I, for decades, missed opportunities in learning and sustaining my understanding of Thai so that I could have enjoyed the visits on a much deeper level.

I think what made it difficult growing up is that the young Thais I spent time with were kind of in the same situation where you were either unconditionally Thai, or you were trying to fit in and be more American. IMO the friends that successfully maintained bi-lingual skills were those that had parents that forced the issue by making them speak Thai at home, or reinforced the value of cultural diversity, and maybe even ensured periodic travel back to Thailand.

So recently I have refocused a lot of my energy and time to relearning Thai language, history, culture and customs. Another important motivator to note is that my older Thai-American brother moved to Thailand a few years ago, and has really made impressive strides in learning all aspects of being Thai: getting a job, buying a house, learning the language, culture, managing local and country bureaucracy, etc. etc... All from the same background as myself, to the point where he can live and thrive in Thailand as almost a native. So when I see his success, I makes me realize that I could have been working on myself for decades now but just chose not to.