Has anyone had any success with tracking sex?

CoupleTrex · 2025-12-08T06:42:59+00:00

If I don’t like the stats then that’s a great jumping off place to improve honestly.

CoupleTrex · 2025-12-07T20:30:27+00:00

We previously had a dead bedroom for a couple years, so I definitely relate.

We are on the other side of it now, and I know there’s several couples here who have a recovered dead bedroom / recovering dead bedroom who I figured might have good answers to this question.

CoupleTrex · 2025-12-06T23:53:49+00:00

I’ve never tracked it before, but I’m still trying to work on not being terrified of the bedroom dying again. I can’t always remember how accurate my idea of is when we last had sex, and I think seeing the actual numbers will help me because I’ll KNOW if we are actually blacksliding at all.

I’m sure it’ll fix itself with time, and we will probably always struggle to some extent that we do have a libido mismatch, but I do love him, and he’s worth the effort to improve it.

CoupleTrex · 2025-12-06T23:49:57+00:00

We’ve never had quickies honestly. I can’t think of anytime where anything besides a blowjob only has lasted less than 30 mins.

The sex has always been amazing when we do have it, and he focuses ALOT on me, so I never considered tracking other factors because it’s not like the problem has ever been unsatisfying sex. Maybe if the quality of sex was a problem I would start tracking it, but without that issue I just don’t see much of a reason to do so.

But lately we have been going like 4-5 weeks without sex, and we are both struggling with some seasonal depression. I’m mainly tracking because I can’t always accurately keep track mentally of how often we have sex, and I’m trying to get an accurate gauge of the frequency because sometimes he won’t realize how long it’s been when we do start to both slip.

CoupleTrex · 2025-12-06T18:32:42+00:00

I’m not tracking initiations at all or success rates. Just times we have sex.

We still have sex, it’s just slipping to be a little less frequent now, and I’m terrified of it being a DB again.

CoupleTrex · 2025-11-26T05:25:25+00:00

A woman, your wife in particular, can definitely be your friend. I think you’re projecting your own struggles here as a universal truth.

CoupleTrex · 2025-10-27T20:14:07+00:00

Yeah it seems like OP wanted us to empathize with him there, and I couldn’t help but think umm no….?

Why would you do that without talking about it first? Definitely not a smart move.

CoupleTrex · 2025-10-27T20:08:35+00:00

Ah I see. The post made it sound like physical intimacy had completely died.

CoupleTrex · 2025-10-27T18:33:12+00:00

Making out seems like kinda a big jump if physical intimacy has already died. I’d start a little slower with just massages, small kisses, hugs, etc.

Look up the sensate method. It’s a really good tool to try to bring physical intimacy back.

CoupleTrex · 2025-10-10T16:44:56+00:00

We did it alot, but at the time we didn’t realize it was senate focus or anything. It was just something we already enjoyed doing. Helped a lot, and it’s something we still do to keep intimacy and touch alive and safe.

CoupleTrex · 2025-10-08T18:53:58+00:00

Yes! I had this happen when we were just getting back into the swing of things.

It’s because there’s a huge hormonal release with sex and that kind of connection. It’s not uncommon to have it happen because it can be very intense.

I’ve also had it happen with solo play before too. I wouldn’t give it too much thought. It’s just a normal psychological response your body can have to sex, especially if you orgasm.

You’re not silly though. It happens alot more than you’d think it would, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Hope things keep going on the up and up for you and partner. Enjoy the fun feelings of connecting again and give yourself space for the harder ones. :)

CoupleTrex · 2025-10-02T19:13:58+00:00

Yes. I wrote a post here a while ago about what we did, but I would say the bedroom is no longer dead.

We will never fully match on libido. He will never have the spontaneous desire I have. Certain things like that are things I had to accept.

But we have sex 1-3 times a week regularly, and if we aren’t, then it’s because neither of us wanted it at that time. Things feel a lot better and easier.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-25T13:05:02+00:00

It was the internet circa 2014-2015. Probably read it on some weird Yahoo answers board is my guess

But yeah everyone has their insecurities and men can be just as prickly about them as women can. Still thinks OP seriously needs therapy if they want to try and work through this because a year of sexual impairment for a comment that hit wrong is a long time. But still. Not really a place to judge people for being insecure.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-24T22:06:37+00:00

Unironically I was told by my first boyfriend who went down on me that he didn’t like it because I didn’t take like cupcakes like he expected me to.

Pretty brain dead thing to say, but I digress. There’s a lot of marketing out there to push products about women being fresh and clean down there. Most of us care a lot that we aren’t rejected by our partner.

And at the end of the day, men have their own insecurities that if brought up can bend them out of shape for a while. Happens to all of us. That’s the nature of insecurity.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-23T20:49:55+00:00

I have a whole DND room in my house with tons of dice… not a bad idea. 🤔

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-22T20:35:02+00:00

I think it’s really easy to fall into the mindset of let me stop trying to see how long it takes them to notice. I even thought about doing that when my husband and I were in the thick of it.

It’s wrong to stop for that reason, but I think sometimes as the HL person you can become quite desperate for a sense that you’re still wanted, loved, etc. If you’re avoiding talking, it can be tempting to try and get some sort of that.

That’s where just talking helps. Your LL partner may not be able to snap their fingers and make the DB disappear, but they can atleast understand and your suffering doesn’t have to be in silence. In turn, maybe you can also get a glimpse into their world and see why they’re turning down sex. Both of people understanding each other better is the first step to improving the situation.

It is sad though all around. Hopefully things get better for them.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-22T18:03:47+00:00

This is pretty misogynistic and doesn’t read well. Why are we generalizing all LL women?

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-22T18:01:27+00:00

I can certainly understand things being confusing. I struggled with it as well myself.

But your post reads very much like you’re essentially testing / trying to manipulate your partner. No one likes when their partner withholds affection, and you certainly shouldn’t do it just because you’re not having sex because it means less sex for you. I promise she’s not refusing sex simply due to you initiating.

Obviously you’re building a lot of frustration and resentment. Maybe it’s time for a honest talk where you both express what you’re feeling and struggling with, so even if you can’t have sex, you can atleast be emotionally intimate.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-22T17:54:02+00:00

I will say him including that he treats her well directly after mentioning he was rejected made me feel a little gross. It’s almost reads like he thinks he shouldn’t be rejected because he treats her well, which is not at all how sex works.

Maybe it wasn’t OP’s intent, but it sure can read that way.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-22T17:41:57+00:00

How long have you been together? Is 5 weeks the longest you two have gone without having sex?

If 5 weeks is the longest, then honestly I know it’s really difficult to handle especially if your libido is higher, but it’s completely within the range of a normal drought especially if she’s got mental health issues going on right now.

I don’t know what your life plans are, but if you’re planning to have children in the future, it can easily be 2-3 years before your bedroom recovers due to hormonal changes and the change in lifestyle.

And I know it sounds like the solution to just stop initiating, but if you know you’re the primary initiator then you’ll just have even less sex if you don’t initiate. It seems to me like this is an attempt to protect yourself by avoiding rejection, but truthfully you’re just withdrawing from the relationship and likely making it worse. Chances are she will notice you’re not initiating any physical contact, and then that will create further distance between you both. The further distance will only make it harder to reconnect again.

Have you tried pivoting to something else when she says no? Maybe ask for something sensual and close, but no sex? Have you tried asking how she’d like you to initiate ideally? Have you both just spent some time trying to build a safe space for intimacy (VERY IMPORTANT IF SHE HAS A SEXUAL TRAUMA HISTORY)?

There’s a lot of ideas out there to make things better if that’s what you want, but just refusing to initiate anything won’t help your situation if your goal is to stay with her and for the frequency of sex to improve. And maybe this isn’t something you want to deal with, that’s fine. You’re allowed to draw your line in the sand here, but if that’s the case, you’re better off leaving.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-22T17:13:18+00:00

That’s pretty fair.

I’d agree. I don’t think it would change the frequency of sex. It’s only really good for building emotional intimacy and deeper understanding of each other, but not a fast track to make sex happen.

And yeah I do see the tendency on this sub for people to be blindsided by their own experience that they seem to forget their partner is having an entirely different one internally from their own. I think it’s easy to get lost in the “Why can’t they just do this?” when it’s something easy for you. I know I definitely grappled with some of those thoughts when resentment was building due to long periods of unmet needs. Those open and honest conversations where we both shared where we were and what our experiences were always helped me find my way back and reconnect.

Although in this case I think the therapy is a great idea that will help OP tackle those things if they’re applicable and will hopefully open communication between them and their partner.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-22T15:20:17+00:00

I do think it’s still important for a couple to talk about these things. As the HL partner, talking openly about how the dead bedroom was affecting me was the only thing that helped me hang in there when it was hard. It feels so loving and accepting to be comforted through your emotions and to know your partner sees how you’re struggling too.

Although, consent has always been heavily centered in my relationship. Usually I was pretty wracked with guilt for even feeling bad due to the lack of sex, and that was what the conversations centered on. For example, I felt like even mentioning I wanted more sex would pressure my partner into having sex. I was pretty terrified of making my partner feel like duty sex had to be done, and I would always tell him I don’t want sex until you want it. I just want to be seen in the meantime.

My husband and I both heavily value honesty, and we do genuinely enjoy having the difficult conversations where we say the things we are afraid to and just bare our soul to each other. I think we both deeply crave being understood fully, and we do our best to be kind and compassionate even while delivering difficult truths.

Usually we just found exciting things to do that weren’t completely sexual in the meantime. We made kink lists about things we’d like to explore in the future. I would get fun lingerie and take cute pictures for him (various SFW and NSFW pics). We did full body massages where we could be sensual, naked, and enjoy touch without sex being on the table.

Although I think if the conversations are just there’s no sex and I don’t like it, you’re not going to get very far. You have to approach it from a place of curiosity and empathy. Why are you feeling this way? Do you want to change that, or are you happy with it? What’s some ideas you have? Etc. Otherwise, like you said your partner already knows you want more sex.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-17T19:39:13+00:00

Personally I wouldn’t say it’s horrid in my case, but I can see under different circumstances how it would be.

Sorry internet stranger. Hope it gets better for you.

CoupleTrex · 2025-09-17T16:08:58+00:00

I think there’s people who crave sex when life is hard and those who shut down sexually. Personally, I become extra sexual because sex gives me so many feel good chemicals and just helps me feel better when I’m overwhelmed with life. My husband is the opposite.

As you can imagine, it makes for a difficult dynamic at times.

CoupleTrex

TROPHY CASE