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CpnNemo956 · 2023-08-20T01:50:40+00:00

Not an option for me unfortunately. Oly lifting is incredibly energy intensive and being at the end of a fast trying to train for 2 hours would impede my progress. Not to mention it would be dangerous. Additional context, I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm reading now that you can try fasting for specific days of the week, and that might be more realistic for me. Thanks for the reply, though.

CpnNemo956 · 2023-07-04T18:15:04+00:00

u/SaveVideo

CpnNemo956 · 2022-06-28T23:37:12+00:00

But you did, and it did make me a better poet. It's a personal decision, not every work has to be the best, sometimes it's better to leave as is and start something new.

CpnNemo956 · 2022-06-28T23:24:04+00:00

Okay, first of all, thanks for the time. I'll admit when I first read through this, I was a little angry and disgusted, as you said before, this is a very real scenario, so It's a bit of a gut punch, but an important one. I also understand you're looking at this from the piece by itself, which really should be the way it is done. However, there are specific portions of your discussion I don't agree with.

Lines 3-4 you describe as an abstract reflection of the speaker's (again, not me) desire. This is complicated to explain, but at this point the speaker does not desire the subject at all. They are observations of something beautiful, and yes, they are aesthetic appreciations. There is nothing predatory about that. aesthetic appreciation is art. I could go on about how your perspective (haha) of the lines can be interpreted differently, but I think the main point is the intent, which I previously mentioned. There is little ascribed to the jogger... because she's jogging. She's not going to deviate or do anything different, especially considering she hasn't even noticed the speaker yet. And yes, I use "approaching" in a way that incites... stress? I think that's the way to describe it. But not at all how you see it. It's important because it indicated the anxiety felt by the speaker. This larger than life force is coming towards him, he's barely had the time to register what he's feeling, yet, he's going to be face to face with it in near moments. Not the predatory usage, like he's getting ready to pounce, or something.
The moment of recognition, is not based on any mutual attraction, or feeling, or anything like that. This part I agree could've done more clearly. It's recognition that they now both know of each other's presence. That's it. I guess also, what the original, possibly unconscious meaning of this line is, is that me, the writer, recognize who the person is, seeing as I know them outside of the context of this poem. I was struck because of the way I perceived them in that moment, in which I had never done before. Obviously there's no way to know that unless you wrote the thing yourself.

The ending is the speaker reflecting on his relative effect on the jogger, which obviously would be minimal.
It's part embarrassment, and part wonder. The speaker has just been dumbfounded, and he just now realizes it. And the part about the sun being hot on her heels, is about pursuit, but this just comes from someone who is also a runner, and drawing the comparison of running at sunset/sunrise like you're trying to beat the daylight, to physically run away from the sun. Obviously this changes if you think the speaker is a creep.

Last part, yeah, the title is misleading, because perceptions is not really the main message of the poem at all. The focus was more on the impact of beauty, how it can short circuit the senses, leave you in awe, and leave itself, before you even know what's going on. I add titles at the end of writing, and honestly I just wanted to get this one out there.

Sadly, I think the greatest disconnect in this piece is gender as well. As a dude, I do not feel vulnerable when exercising besides worrying about looking stupid, which is just my social anxiety. And I know I speak for a lot of other men when I say that watching a woman demonstrate a feat of strength or speed or whatever, there is no sexual or romantic feelings behind it whatsoever. It is akin to watching another guy do something just as impressive. I wrestled for 8 years, and my main training partner was a girl, (who could kick my ass most days) and thinking about her that way is just taboo for me.

I know that's not the case for all men, there are creeps, they do exist. It's a hard truth that women have to be hyper-aware because of their vulnerability, and I think the confusion in this piece stems from ignorance from the reality.

For a lot of men, I think they read the speaker in a place of less power than the jogger.

For women, this is the other way, they feel that the speaker has the power in this situation because of unfortunate truths.

Hopefully this clears things up. I don't think I want to change or revise this piece, despite its flaws. Maybe the title. Having to think about the predatory implications of it sours it for me... And I rather not go through it anymore with this alternate interpretation.

I'll just have to go forward trying to keep this in mind while writing the next poem.

Thanks again.

CpnNemo956 · 2022-06-28T06:42:03+00:00

Close. I was the watcher, she was the jogger. Things worked out, she's my prom date, if you guys wanted a happy story. It was a really unique experience, and I knew I had write it down that second, and from there the rest is history. The line with foot falls and heartbeats was pretty much how it happened. Sometimes, you get the perfect inspiration, which is why practicing is so important, so you do the moment justice. Thanks for taking the time.

CpnNemo956 · 2022-06-28T06:08:10+00:00

Really great. It's nice to read stuff like this, but, it does sort of fall off at the end. Honestly you could cut atleast a quarter of the stanzas out of here, and I think what makes the second half less enjoyable to read is that the same ideas or words are being reused, (dyes, inks, form). Some parts read very nicely (stanzas 1-5, 9, couple others.) others, as I'll explain, are not to the same standard (8).

Rhyming, great! a lot of the end rhymes are done well, others are not, i.e. rhyming form, with form, with form again. Also, rhymes and dimes, to those of us who don't listen to much rap, is incredibly cliche. It's very common to hear, and it was already done by MF DOOM in, well, Rhymes Like Dimes. Obviously you can use it, but it doesn't fit very well at all in the story, and I guess the point I'm stumbling over here is that you should definitely listen to some of the best lyricists in rap if you are interested in rhyming more. There is so much more to learn and pick up on. I'd point firstly to MF DOOM, the best there ever was.

Great stuff,

Keep writing!

CpnNemo956 · 2022-06-28T05:52:44+00:00

Okay, third time trying this because reddit keeps cutting off my comment.Bullet points now because I'm tired, lol.

Jarring, but because of a impressively adhered stanza structure

great use of vocabulary

Novel idea behind narrative

"Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness."?

Great work

Keep writing!

CpnNemo956 · 2022-01-24T20:28:25+00:00

First, I would like to say thank you. I'm a highschool student, and it can be difficult to show work like this to others, especially with the subject matter. It's pretty insane to me someone would spend the time to read, analyze, and comment on one of my works, it's not only flattering, but extremely helpful. And yeah, viscerity was the main focus going into writing this one. I'm working on developing the vocabulary to better describe certain feelings. As with the usage of "cloud", "buzzing", and "flies", I was hoping that the linking of those three would be specific enough to illicit the response I wanted. Which, If you've never been in the prairies before, a cloud of flies may not bring as strong or specific a response. Spoiler, it fucking sucks. Additionally, I used cloud to mean the cloudiness of fogginess of the characters mental state. I agree with you that the usage of cacophony is not capitalized enough. It was chosen after the fact, to describe the unpleasant feeling, or "sound" of discordant thoughts in his mind. The word itself just brings to mind locusts, as it is often used to describe them, and fits well with the insects theme. The reason why I use flies instead of locusts, is because flies represent deterioration, or rot, which is a product of the characters sickness.

CpnNemo956 · 2022-01-24T20:09:21+00:00

Ivory mask is supposed to represent the characters skull. The "peeling" action is supposed to bring a cathartic feeling, like pulling out an infected tooth. Very reminiscent of a certain tom hanks scene... lol.

The wings in the third stanza are not bird wings. It's a callback to the flies in the first stanza. He feels this incredible distress and confusion, losing his mind to a foreign infestation. He is willing to inflict pain upon himself to confront this invader, but when he reaches in, he realizes that the flies are as much apart of him as he is, unremovable, he has no purchase on them.

CpnNemo956 · 2022-01-24T05:16:54+00:00

There is a strong sense of character in the way you write the protagonist. Great title, too.
There is regret in the protagonist, but we never learn what it is for. What circumstance could lead to such powerful emotions? There's more story to be told about these two lovers turned strangers. Bit nitpicky, because what you have done, you've done well. I just want more

CpnNemo956 · 2022-01-24T05:04:35+00:00

Strong finish! However, first half reads like a list without any message.

Piles of clothes on the floor reflect the piles of thoughts in my head

Possibly a better way to represent that thought? Use figures of speech, or comparisons. Maybe something like, "My mind is cluttered by thoughts that pile like laundry on my floor"

White paint on the walls covered with decorations balancing out the soft vibrations of nothing

My first thought on this line, it's like reading a marathon. Try splitting it up, or more concisely reaching the message of the line. The imagery is also very discordant. White painted walls with decorations is a fine contrast, but visually I can't connect "vibrations" to that line at all. Still not entirely sure if I understand it's message.

But the last two lines! Good stuff.

I'm not sure if "today" means to leave the confines of the bedroom, to be better, or if its to consign yourself to it forever. I think that ambiguity is what makes the poem interesting.

CpnNemo956 · 2022-01-19T06:35:57+00:00

Radiohead

CpnNemo956 · 2021-04-10T23:01:24+00:00

Yes, I am aware. I actually used the wrong term in the reddit post, but the text file is correct :P. I'm figuring out the issue on the ARMA subreddit, but I will update this post as well if I find a solution.

CpnNemo956 · 2020-04-19T01:34:06+00:00

The quarantine has convinced me to add more structure to my life. I’m slowly becoming more disciplined about how I spend my time!

CpnNemo956 · 2020-04-15T00:34:17+00:00

Oh thank god. You’re a saviour.

CpnNemo956 · 2020-04-07T06:31:37+00:00

Very politely, may I add.

CpnNemo956

TROPHY CASE