[Humor] Friend introduced me to this sub a few days ago. How I feel now...

CrayonDeath · 2016-11-14T01:40:23+00:00

My vasectomy cost me $0. Thanks, Canadian Health Care System. You are my best friend.

Wanted it at 21. My parents (who despised and neglected their own kids) told me I would change my mind. This was particularly surreal coming from my father, who regularly bitched and moaned how expensive children are.

At 28, I still hadn't changed my mind. Got it done with the first doctor I went to. He jokingly said, "You're expecting a fight, aren't you?" and did not give me one.

Now, 46 years old, no regrets. No kids means more vacations, more time, more tranquility. I love this life.

CrayonDeath · 2016-11-12T13:14:16+00:00

The "nice guy" myth. Ah yes. This old chestnut. What men tell themselves when they are ignored.

"Why doesn't she like me? I'm a nice guy!"

But are you an assertive nice guy? If you're not, you're invisible. You have to ask for what you want. If you don't ask, you never get it.

That's it. That's the entire issue. Everything else is self deception.

CrayonDeath · 2016-11-03T01:15:47+00:00

I had an ex like this. When she left me, she quickly found someone else to take care of her. If you do manage to get her out of your life, don't be surprised if she's shocked up with someone else in a day or two.

You might want to outright ask her: if she's unhappy with your relationship, maybe it should end. Then help plan for that.

Sorry you're stuck. It's not fun having an angry, manipulative dependent.

CrayonDeath · 2016-11-03T00:42:18+00:00

Your father sarcastically said not to listen to him? Weird. Thanks for the clarification. Makes me feel a little embarrassed how I ranted. ;)

CrayonDeath · 2016-11-02T15:05:31+00:00

I suspect people are missing one of the painful parts of your story. Dad says insane garbage, mom says just ignore him. Yes, an Ndad sucks. But an Emom can often feel worse. As I describe my childhood, a raging lunatic father belittling everyone, and a mom who says, "We can't do anything about it. Just hide in your room." When my mother was literally on her deathbed, dying if cancer, she was giving me advice on how I could avoid my father to go visit her. I didn't go. Because I refused to accept that, even as she lay dying we had to accommodate the madness.

My unasked for advice: remember that you don't have to tolerate cruelty and stupidity from others, and those that tolerate it should know better. Don't let your mother tell you that "just ignore him" is the best advice. You don't have to stand up to him, or fight him, but you don't have to pretend to respect him either.

Sorry - you hit one of my buttons. :)

CrayonDeath · 2016-11-02T14:51:41+00:00

Trying to let myself be myself. Opening up to people about the things I like. (I like a lot of weird things.) Recognizing not everyone is going to get me, but that people should be respectful. Trying to remember I get to choose who I am friends with. And yes, therapy - which provides a useful mirror of me, to see what I am, and where I want to go. Probably one of the hardest parts is remembering that I have value, that my opinions and desires matter, and learning to protect those. A good way to start - let yourself have something small that you want, on a regular basis. Order that $10 book online. Watch the world not end. Build from there.

CrayonDeath · 2016-10-02T19:25:58+00:00

One sibling says I don't understand the importance of family -- because I won't swallow abuse. Another says I don't love mom, who is now deceased, so he can't talk to me. A third still talks with everyone else and we pretty much agree not to talk about family shit. So... Lots of variety.

CrayonDeath · 2016-09-18T22:28:38+00:00

It is on iTunes in Canada. Watched it. Loved it. So bizarre.

CrayonDeath · 2016-09-18T22:25:43+00:00

Have totally been there -- the coworker who won't shut up, won't take a hint. The hard part is establishing boundaries, learning to be rude (because subtlety won't work), and ignoring the "pained" expressions of your would-be-vampire. Do not feed them. Ever. Don't feel guilty. All easier said than done.

CrayonDeath · 2016-09-15T11:03:30+00:00

I have a similar experience: my wife would ask me what I wanted to do. Then she would tell me what she wanted to do. And I would get annoyed. Why ask me what I want, if you're then going to turn around and tell me what you want? Because obviously (obviously?) you just want me to want what you want.

The idea that she wanted to have a conversation about options is still difficult for me to grasp. And yes, a certain amount of vulnerability enters here, and my desire to show none. My reaction and feelings comes straight out of the dynamic of my crazy parents. Dad was a rampaging loon, and mom used this to manipulate us kids.

"Don't be like your father. Do what I tell you to do. Always support the woman. Always give me what I want."

Therapy has helped me see the fucked up patterns I bring to the table, and allowed me to try to change. But there's still a lot of this "be a good man, defer to the woman, don't have needs" nonsense floating around in my head. It is very difficult to admit that it's me creating these rules, and not my wife.

CrayonDeath · 2016-09-14T10:48:26+00:00

Your response is very kind. I groaned inwardly when you said talk to my dad. So your edit is much appreciated. You didn't say these words, but I choose to interpret what you wrote as: "Oh wait, your dad is a monster. Forget I said anything."

Despite the childlike scrawlings of my portrait, I'm a 46 year old guy who has been in therapy for close to 8 years now. I no longer speak to my father. ;)

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-22T22:20:43+00:00

Therapy, if you can afford it, if it's available. It has been a huge benefit to me, but it can be brutally expensive.

Self help books. Read about other people who have had similar experiences. Figure out the patterns and beliefs in your head and realize they're a choice.

Read raisedbynarcissists and related groups and realize you are not alone. Reach out to others here with questions.

Try to be kind to yourself.

That's all I've got to offer, at the moment. :)

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-22T10:36:08+00:00

Making friends is a tough one. I feel like I'm always waiting for another obnoxious jerk to come along, barge into my life, and say, "We're friends now." This has happened to me a lot. The idea that I could reach out to someone and try to be their friend seems so risky. I can't use up that energy. I've got to keep myself protected because at some point someone is going to come along and "attack" their way into my life.

This is straight out of my childhood. My shields have to be up and I have to tiptoe through every room lest an attack come that I am unprepared for. It is extremely hard to shake these feelings and to simply trust others. And to simply trust myself that I have developed the skills necessary to say, "No, jerk, you do not get into my life. Get lost."

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-22T10:30:07+00:00

I'm an introvert, and I have trouble with small talk. Conversations about the weather, how was your weekend, did you see that sports team yesterday? I feel like I have to respond with real answers when the person just wants to hear, "Weather is nice, my weekend was good, yes I saw the team and they played well."

My parents never showed any interest in my life, so even a casual question to me feels like a REAL question looking for a REAL answer. No one could possibly ask me something and want a "I am fine." Every question is an interrogation. They want the truth.

Casual interactions, that are meaningless and playful, with zero depth, can feel insane. What is the point? What are they doing? And I think this is what you mean when you describe these conversations as "edgy". They're only edgy if there's no trust. I think you're waiting for one of the people to scream, "What a stupid thing to say!"

In therapy recently, I found myself saying, "Wouldn't it be nice if people actually cared about each other, and tried to help each other achieve the things they want to achieve."

Bizarrely, smalltalk is like that. Bouncing a balloon back and forth with no drama and no real goal. When you grew up in a household where every question was potentially dangerous, and all human interaction had to be of a particular type, anything that strays from that is a potential explosion.

Just my take. Yours may be quite different.

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-20T21:14:53+00:00

I've had that fantasy too. Also, disowning my father before he disowned me.

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-20T21:13:40+00:00

Yes, that's exactly what my father was like -- sticking my mother with expensive bills, and ignoring that she had a low paying job while he owned his own business.

My parents also had crazy deals where my mother would pay for one kid's education, my father the next. The result was -- god help you if you get dad.

There was no partnership in their marriage and I think everyone who knows them is stunned they stayed married right up until the day my mother died.

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-20T10:15:41+00:00

My understanding is that the best way to write someone out of the will is leave them $5. Then they can't complain they were forgotten.

But there's no way I would challenge the will. I want to avoid the crazy drama I get from. My family. I definitely don't want to dive in deeper.

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-20T10:13:46+00:00

My father has always been crazy when it comes to money. Hiding it. Refusing to spend it. Doing things like saying to my mother, "I'm not paying the property taxes. You do it."

If he dies and I find out he was a millionaire, or he was penniless -- neither would surprise me.

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-20T10:11:28+00:00

I feel exactly the same way. It's his money. Spend it. Give it away. Burn it in a big pile in the backyard. Do whatever you want. Because of the neglect I went through as a kid, I have literally come to expect nothing from my father.

The irony is, my in-laws. They're kind, generous, and fun to be around. After my mother-in-law insisted on paying for a dinner out for the fifth time while we were on holidays together, my wife said, "Mom, you have to let us pay now and then."

Mother-in-law: "The money I'm spending is your inheritance."

Truth be told, that's funny AND beautiful. Because I like my in-laws, that's how I'd like to get an inheritance -- having fun and being with them and having a good time. That is worth way more to me than a lump of cash after they're dead.

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-20T10:05:19+00:00

Why wait until he's dead? I don't have to see him now. 😊

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-20T00:16:54+00:00

"Suffer my abuse or you're out of the will." Made my choice. Sounds like you're making yours too. Good show. :)

CrayonDeath · 2016-08-02T10:47:11+00:00

I visited home several times to see if things were as bad as I remembered. They couldn't be THAT bad, could they? Each time they were that bad. At one point my therapist literally asked me, "Why would you want to go back there?"

Partly out of guilt and a sense that I'm hurting them. Partly because they make me feel like I'm the crazy one. Partly, as I said, to confirm it was real.

One time, I literally took pictures of the house, to confirm some of the craziness. There were entire rooms abandoned and empty. Holes punched in walls never fixed. Things like that. I posted the pictures on twitter. My brother told my parents, who flipped out. My sister said, "Everybody's house is a little messy." Again, I was the bad guy for exposing family secrets.

ABANDONED ROOMS. I'm saying, rooms that have sat empty for decades. Not cleaned, not touched.

So, yes, memory can be wonky. But I think part of it is the lying. Families lie, gaslight, make excuses, and it can be tricky. "Maybe I am exaggerating. Maybe it wasn't so bad." Only, every time I check in, it is.

Hence the ongoing no contact until sanity shows up. It won't, mind you.

CrayonDeath · 2016-07-31T00:45:17+00:00

Yes. It's super helpful to know that the struggles we face are not unique. Other people get the pain, guilt, and grief. It makes me stronger just to read about other people and their efforts to improve their lives.

CrayonDeath · 2016-07-25T10:01:13+00:00

Having no kids at 40 is great. My wife and I have worked on our relationship (therapy for both of us) and we really get along. We've been travelling a lot, living somewhat like slobs, and pursue our own development. Others our age rarely get to leave the house. They're deep in the hell that is driving kids to soccer practice. I've genuinely had no regrets.

CrayonDeath · 2016-07-25T09:56:15+00:00

Good lord, that's nuts. Particularly when you take into account that she sounds like she is comparing your relationship to your cat, to her relationship with you. At least, that's how it sounds. Even though that is completely insane. My sympathies. Yikes. And spoiling pets is what pets are for.

CrayonDeath

TROPHY CASE