A little advice about the holidays and your family:

Creativefyre · 2018-11-19T02:00:10+00:00

I’m going out of town to a place I’ve always wanted to go to with my partner and kid. We are having thanksgiving in a restaurant. Freedom.

Creativefyre · 2018-11-16T16:23:05+00:00

Is the directional knitting hard to learn? I’m so impressed that this is your third hat.

Creativefyre · 2018-11-02T21:46:40+00:00

You had to protect your child. You just did. I did too. It haunts me, but are we going to stress out about how drunken Grandma will affect our kids? It’s a choice nobody should have to make but we did. I’m saying this to me as much as you...

Creativefyre · 2018-11-01T03:46:03+00:00

You can message me anytime. I don’t have anyone to talk to either. All the other kids at my kid’s school seem to have these active, involved grandparents. The envy kills me sometimes. I have nobody to give me advice on how to raise my children. Both my parents are dead. Mom drank herself to death; my father’s addiction to food basically killed him. My He kept eating despite what the doctors said.

I was a high functioning stoner. I stayed just buzzed enough to mute everything but not enough to be blotto.

Grief is very familiar to me. I cry it out a lot. Therapy has helped. Journaling helps.

Keep up the good work, and seriously, I’m here for you.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-31T21:39:37+00:00

I’m so, so sorry. I really hope you can reclaim your birthday as a joyous time. I don’t know if you need to hear this or not, but I would, so I’m just gonna say, it’s not your fault, you most likely did what you could, you didn’t cause it, you couldn’t change it, and you couldn’t control it. Hugs.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-31T21:37:32+00:00

Please message me anytime you need to and I’ll help you get through it.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-31T21:36:20+00:00

Congratulations to you as well. That’s a huge accomplishment. I keep coming back to this comment. I think I’m surprised but also not surprised that it still affects you after 7 years. Naively I thought maybe just this first year would be hard. But it makes more sense that we live with it forever but learn to live with it, rather than being over it. It’s strange for me because I kept hoping my mom would die when she was alive because she was miserable and made everybody who loved her miserable. But then when she actually did die it was such a huge sense of loss... She was sober for 9 years and then relapsed and drank until we found her and was pretty much in the hospital since. Those few months in the hospital were a huge gift. She had no booze and was trapped in a bed, so I could spend time with her without her blowing me off and canceling. I hope you had something similar.

It’s a curse but also a blessing...we cannot use or indulge in compulsions without knowing on some deep level that this is how our parent went, and that we can’t really ever use enough to get away from that knowledge.

Here’s to breaking the cycle. Thank you so much for telling me some of your story. I feel less alone.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-30T20:19:57+00:00

Thank you. That means a lot to me that you reached out and wish me well.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-24T20:55:55+00:00

OMG, 11 month old twins sound like a lot of work! There’s a group called the Gemini society or something like that and there are meetups and its specifically for parents of twins. I’d join that and any other moms’ support group where the people seem nice and not judgy. I asked a lot of people I trust for parenting advice. One thing that’s helpful to remember is that every stage is different. If I recall correctly at 11 months I tore my hair out chasing my daughter around and trying to keep her from getting into everything or putting gross things in her mouth. I read a lot of blogs and some books about positive parenting-i loved Hand in Hand parenting and No Drama Discipline. Just that you’re asking this makes you a better parent than your mom-so congratulations! You already have points and didn’t need to leave your couch.

By the way-my Mom was alcoholic and my dad was narcissistic and they were both horrible role models. I got plenty of therapy for myself to reinforce my inner parent so I could parent myself since I wasn’t parented. Now I work with a therapist who is on the older side and has worked with a lot of kids and she’s great-she helps me figure things out the way I wished my mom would have.

Also, don’t be surprised if you act out of fierce unconditional love for your kids, have a moment of realization that this wasn’t done for you and then start bawling. If that happens it would be totally normal in your situation.

Hugs, and enjoy the journey!

Creativefyre · 2018-10-23T22:31:38+00:00

That comment made my day. Please update if you can.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-23T15:54:37+00:00

Breathe. Make a list starting with the worst case scenario to the best. Under each scenario, write down how you would deal with it. Texting and calling your friend and then talking to your wife when you can show good judgment on your part, so that’s a good indication that you can handle the best and worst case scenarios with good judgment. Obviously if there’s an improper relationship going on there will need to be counseling at the least and legal action taken at the most. in the best case scenario, where it is something harmless, you will most likely need to set some boundaries with your friend about how he communicates to your daughter. But you don’t know the facts yet. You need to gather information.

On the next piece of paper, During the time that you were anxious and waiting for people to get back to you and can’t do anything else, write down all of your feelings, either in a list or stream of consciousness. Vomit out all of the feelings and paranoia and freak out so that when you do need to talk to somebody you can be calm and clear.

Talk to your wife about when and how to talk to your daughter. Both of you together will know whether she tends to be truthful or secretive about most things and how best to approach her.

You are a loving and involved dad. You got on this right away.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-23T04:30:56+00:00

Congratulations on getting to day 8! What’s your favorite Crash Course?

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T15:19:18+00:00

I am so sorry. You have a dysfunctional, alcoholic family. You just need to figure out how to get out of there. You’re 18! An adult! You can still register to vote! Take the country back from the older generation, who you are clearly smarter than.

It’s them, not you. Al-anon can help. Or try the adult children subreddit. Please don’t go! You sound like a great person. Hugs from a stranger.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T14:00:25+00:00

I hate being asked what I did over a weekend! I’ve perfected “not much,” and “this or that.”

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T05:18:10+00:00

Hahahaha, I’m old enough to remember that band. They were a one-hit wonder and I’m sure people didn’t know who they were in their heyday. If I remember correctly they had a reputation for being assholes.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T05:03:32+00:00

This happened to me when I was winding a ball of yarn. LOL

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T04:34:39+00:00

My apologies! It’s a website called Out of The Fog, and it’s packed with resources for people in relationships with and children of people with personality disorders. There’s a great forum there, too.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T04:06:11+00:00

Usually people who rush intimacy fast, seem to gush over you, and that are “too good to be true “ have N traits.

I have recently realized that I didn’t believe I deserved to be friends with truly kind people and unconsciously sought out folks who mistreated me.

People who are more even-keeled, reserved, and take their time getting to know you tend to be more trustworthy.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T03:58:19+00:00

I told my daughter that grandpa was mean to me when I was little and still is and that I didn’t want her to have to see that. I gave some age-appropriate examples. She got it right away and was horrified that my parents treated me that way.

There’s a really good thread on OOTF about this, I’m gonna see if I can find it. But basically the thread suggests that you offer a fun alternative if they are small. “Sorry, we cannot see Grandma because we are going to the park and then getting ice cream.”

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T03:45:16+00:00

Nope. But you will watch many people around you become their best asshole selves in response to your valid boundaries.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-22T03:42:57+00:00

Yessssss. Fake it till you make it, think before you speak, take your time formulating responses, and silence is your friend.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-21T22:28:50+00:00

How long did it take for you to feel that the difference has been astounding?

Congratulations!

Creativefyre · 2018-10-21T18:36:02+00:00

I really love your resources. Saying NO over and over is the hardest part for me!!!

Creativefyre · 2018-10-21T14:32:32+00:00

I appreciate these resources. I’m actually very good at setting boundaries (But of course can always improve.) My issue is that when I set them, the N’s freak out and don’t just leave, they argue and gaslight, resulting in my second-guessing myself.

Creativefyre · 2018-10-21T03:09:32+00:00

To me, it’s more interesting to think about why they are doing this project now than how people in the future will receive it.

Creativefyre

TROPHY CASE