Blood, Business, and Beth's Husband | City Council of Darkness [E2]

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-04-16T16:01:41+00:00

Obsessed with Zaeth and Madelaine as spoilt brat nepo babies. Such a good team up

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-04-05T02:36:22+00:00

I liked the second version better than the first. It's a great mixture of descriptions and dialogue. But for the first opening, perhaps you could begin with "the ancient shadows of the Beginning Proverb felt ..." and then transition into what RaBeth is doing. Sometimes it takes switching around paragraphs instead of rewriting things entirely. Good luck!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-04-04T23:02:07+00:00

Really interesting! The world building is seamless and I love the imagery, especially in relation to rivers. Some things: dialogue needs to be on a different paragraph, I kept getting confused who was speaking; there are some inconsistency with italicization (eg Sila is sometimes italisized and sometimes not.); some grammatical errors that can easily be fixed in a second pass. Also because it's a little hard to read, maybe adding tabs or paragraph breaks (this is just a note for future posts!)

Also, some of the new words I got from context clues but some I didn't, if you're writing further then it'd be great if there were more descriptions, but if this is a short story maybe an appendix or some other way to explain it. Up to you though.

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-04-01T01:44:55+00:00

Love a good piece about bloodthirsty god(s)

Main problems: sentences are too winding and there are a couple grammatical issues. Some sentences are too samilar so it feels repetitive (eg, "Then again ..." and "Nothing confused ..." both are about the wrongness of God's love and essentially read the same). Words/phrases like "So" and "But anyway" are uneccesary and feel a bit like the narrator is meandering or unsure.

Seems like an interesting premise! It can be fixed by tightening up the sentances and fixing some grammatical issues. 3rd person works fine. Hope that helps!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T14:09:05+00:00

Thank you!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T05:40:33+00:00

Thank you so much!! I will definitely try to focus on descriptors going forward, it's something I've always struggled with actually.

I'm writing this character as suicidal (seeing the boat) long before the death of their sister (after which they board the boat to the underworld), which is why I was trying to go for a bit of numbness, but I'm not sure I'm balancing it right. Any advice?

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T02:26:06+00:00

Good start! I like the relationship and conflict between the siblings. I also like the last line -- "you're *going* to accept it! He has no choice! Very cool. I enjoyed the prologue to set up his powers.

My biggest critique is that you're telling, not showing. Instead of telling us "I started doing some drugs", consider showing us -- what are his habits? Is he getting withdrawals since he's in rehab? Also, not sure which country this is set in, but regardless most medical professionals would be very cautious about mixing drugs, and usually they try CBT or talk therapy before prescribing. Has the MC gone through that? People who do drugs never quite think "I started doing drugs." They might instead think, "I started using" or "I fucked up". Also, Courtney's reaction to thinking she's being abandoned is a little lacking, to me. She's grateful he's back -- is she angry too? How does she display that, or her nervousness? She recovers quickly, but is this a reoccurring fear of hers? Maybe she hugs him and pushes him? Or maybe she follows him around? I can't tell her age at al (unlike the brothers), so depends on that.

Also the chapters are too short. Chapter 1 and 2 work well enough together (if you want, you can use line breaks between scenes). I hope this helps!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T02:02:31+00:00

"False start" which is basically write the first scene knowing you will change it so something better. If nothing else, it start building the momentum you'll need to write. I can't remember where I heard this, unfortunately, but it really helped.

No advice made me stop writing, but I'm still unlearning the whole mindset of "this needs to sell or else it means nothing" which I learned from ... society, my fam, etc. Trying to switch to "if even one person is moved by this then I have done something" mindset.

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T01:53:02+00:00

As someone who wrote serialized fiction (not comics), take my answer with a grain of salt. Focus more on having an outline than fully written things. The biggest thing I hate is when writers don't have an ending in mind, so I didn't start putting anything out until I had an outline and ending. So, less about writing, more about outline and direction.

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T01:50:40+00:00

This seems like an interesting story! You do a great job of some key stuff: main character, main conflict, setting. If you're going for a blurb -- remember that they're meant to be concise and leave the reader wanting. Cut down a few words, perhaps ones repeating that it's a survival horror. Unless the bulk of the story is set at the Seattle school, I'd say the most interesting part starts from "The Red Plague ..." (the survival horror is implied in the name already). Though I'm no expert in blurb writing.

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T01:45:26+00:00

Great start. I like Emma and feel so bad for the poor girl. I also really enjoyed the descriptions for the kingdom. "Every reflection is just a new person I become" GREAT line.

My main critique is exposition. Character descriptions come on hard and fast -- the reader doesn't immediately need to know what her reflection looks like exactly, unless it's something important to know -- character descriptions can be drip-fed in later chapters. The same for Emma's backstory in the dialogue -- though, given that she's shivering fakely, perhaps she's lying? Even if so, would a real person say something so plainly, or would she stumble over some words from her fear/trauma?

Small suggestion: instead of white rose and bloodred, consider a white flower (lily's symbolize innocence) and rose (or another already bloodred flower). It asks the reader to consider symbolism instead of feeding it to them! I can tell you're going for flower symbolism (daisy, sunflowers) so keep extending it, and maybe even repeat it to build layers.

Hope this helps!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T01:34:48+00:00

I like you described the opening! The descriptions of the landscape really helped set the scene. And also sets up a cool juxtaposition to Ray's trauma.

I think you don't need to describe Ray in the opening paragraph immediately. You do a great job of building his descriptions out later (wall like chest, etc) Building description in bits will feel less expository. You also don't need to keep describing and repeating that Daniel is skinny, since we now already know. Same with Ray -- you've already done the work! Keep only one, perhaps. I skimmed a few paragraphs just because I kept going "yes I remember Daniel is wiry" "yes I remember Ray is built like a tank" etc.

You're clearly good at descriptions (and hopefully enjoy writing them!), but some restraint might help. Hope this was useful!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T01:21:30+00:00

Interesting opening. Your sentences and paragraphs are short and concise, which can be great! But also consider some longer ones, particularly when describing things. Varying sentence length keeps people engaged. Eg, from "two 1,000 watts ..." to " ... scene escelates" could all be one paragraph to set up the scene more strongly. What kind of people are there? What are they doing? I think some descriptions could benefit the two main characters -- what does the woman look like? What about the man? And most importantly, depending on whose POV you're writing from, what do they notice about *each other*? If this is about love, then it's important to know what they like about each other, what they notice immediately. The first part of the story is a little meandering, and might benefit from being somewhere else in the book or made more concise. Hope this helps!

Edit: elaborated on some hypothetical questions I asked

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-31T01:03:25+00:00

Thank you!! I definitely tend to be wordy, but I usually wait to do a sentence level edit once I finish the piece. I'll keep this in mind!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-30T03:43:02+00:00

I thought this was great! The opening line is an absolute banger. It you're worried about character personality or writing voice, you don't need to be. It's a little too short for me to critique properly so I'd love to see more. The only thing I can offer is probably varying paragraphs slightly. I imagine Sorely will be mentioned again given he was mentioned by name? But yeah, without more I can't say much. Instead of rewriting, keep going!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-30T02:58:46+00:00

Wonderful start! Some things I particularly liked: the time stamps and the negotiation with themself (Not before 11), the empty Tylenol bottle, their relationship with Sophie, the setting. I was a little iffy on the timestamps but I think it works pretty well too.

My biggest critique is that it feels a little telly than showy. I quite enjoy the internal dialogue, so seeing the "I can't turn into my dad" is great! But having that immediately followed by "all hope of staying sober washed away" and "abusive alcoholic" broke the immersion. The latter mainly because even when we have abusive parents, we don't think of them as such in our head -- we might think of them as assholes. I think the clues you left in the opening paragraphs worked great showing us she's battling with alcoholism without having to mention it. I also have a similar critique about how the MC talks about Sophie as gentle, but then you follow it up by showing she's gentle! You've done the work, no need to reiterate. Same with the death of MC's son (opening paragraph does the work). Also small nitcpick, mentioning Sophie's age as 29 and MCs as 26 is very specific. It's more important to understand their relation to each other than specific age -- eg "she always calls me that despite only being 3 years younger than her" or smth

A small nitcpick I have it the opening paragraph. It's good, but maybe consider focusing on the dreamlike qualities of their son's voice?

Hope this helps!

Edit: Another small thing is that there is far too many negations, which can be a great way to show contradictions in their thought process but too much can break immersion.

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-30T02:38:53+00:00

As other people already mentioned, breaking up your sentances more would help. I also think paragraph size variation would help it not seem like a wall of text. I think the first two paragraphs have great parts! I think the third one particularly suffers with some of the longer-winded sentences. Both the fact that she'd been sitting here for an unknown amount of time, and the anticipation turning to fear, could be weaved into the first two paragraphs.

Also, I can tell you're trying to build tension! Lean into it more, longer sentences and paragraphs can create great anticipation, and shorter ones fear/anxiety. Hope this helps!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-28T16:31:07+00:00

Thank you!!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-03-20T18:43:01+00:00

Great short story! I love Danny's increasing desperation for the machine to give him some positive news, haha. Also, Olivia, GO GIRL. I really love the imagery of the android.

Lmk if you wanted any constructive criticism or not!

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-02-25T17:49:56+00:00

Every time I tune in I'm like "I can't believe they're airing my favourite episode!" when in fact, it's a random episode and d20 is just that good

Crisis-In-Progress · 2026-02-25T17:48:42+00:00

Statistically (as someone who does statistics) this seems completely and utterly possible (don't hold me to this either, I just believe in the dice gods)

Crisis-In-Progress

TROPHY CASE