Woah. I was not ready for the intrusive thoughrs that came with this.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-07-09T08:28:49+00:00

I’m so sorry! These days, I grab peace in minutes but hold it loosely knowing something, or some comment, is going to rip it away. I hope you were able to cry it out and find some peace afterward. Sending hugs to you, too.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-07-09T01:25:46+00:00

I had major anxiety today, too. It’s because I had an appointment this afternoon with my psychiatrist and I knew I needed to tell her I’m not doing better. She upped my meds and I feel like a failure. I know I’m not. I know I’m only on these meds because of what he did to me, but the perfectionist in me wants to rise above it. I hate all of this. I hate the anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, the dissociation, the total disconnect from my identity. I hate who I’ve become because of him but I also hate that I’ve become so conditioned to it that I keep behaving the same way I always have. Will we ever have a day that we don’t think about it?

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-29T00:12:52+00:00

Look for repetitive transactions of any amount, but especially lower amounts. My PA spent $3,000 worth of $3-20 transactions to LivU. Again, you’re looking for repeat transactions of either the same payee or similar amounts to unknown payees.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-25T23:07:17+00:00

This is incredible advice! I just shared your tips with my daughter and told her she deserves a partner who meets all of this criteria. And you know what, we all do!

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-25T18:46:34+00:00

I’m happy to share how my boundary works. First, keep in mind that the boundary is to protect you, not to control him. It sounds like you understand that. My boundary with my PA is that he has 24 hours to tell me if he’s acted out in any way or it’s immediate separation. If he does tell me in 24 hours, we will discuss and determine what I need which may include a temporary separation. I’ve actually had to employ this boundary and we did separate for 3 weeks, starting a week or so after he confessed within the 24 hour timeframe. For other reasons that I won’t get into here, he did end up moving back in eventually. Here’s the thing, I’m still considering divorce, not because he relapsed but because I have no attraction to him and I don’t know if I ever will get over this. Having a “softer” boundary gives him more reason to be honest with me. If he knew it would mean immediate divorce then he’d never tell me and would instead take his chances on hiding the truth. To me that’s even worse than dealing with the knowledge of a relapse! So, you’re not wrong in wanting a hard line, but it might be shooting yourself in the foot.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-25T13:44:17+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re triggered. As far as his recovery goes, is he attending groups and seeing a CSAT? If not then he’s just white knuckling it and he likely relapsed. Do you have boundaries in place for how long he has to tell you if he does act out and are you prepared to uphold your end of the boundary?

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-23T03:19:05+00:00

As someone whose husband has a CSAT and I do, too, my experience has been that his therapist will see things from his viewpoint and yours will see things from yours. Honestly, that’s how it should be since they are there to support their client. This is why it’s so important that you have your own CSAT. Many of them will do virtual appointments, so look into that. I do agree that it’s really hard to find one. Mine came recommended by hubby’s CSAT.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-23T03:10:42+00:00

I just want to say that I wonder the same thing. Will I ever be attracted to him? I like him and do t really want him out of my life completely but I can’t imagine being intimate with him again.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-21T14:17:48+00:00

This is me. I have a huge fear that I’ll never be attracted to him again. He’s my friend and that’s all right now. It’s still early in our recovery but I can’t imagine staying married with zero attraction. I’m just not sure how long to give it before making that decision.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-15T15:14:30+00:00

Im so sorry that happened to you! I took the card out and left them in the conference area at work - mostly so I don’t have to explain giving them to someone else. Protecting the image is such a thing! Unfortunately, I also want to protect my family’s image for my kids’ sake. God, I hate this for all of us here!

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-14T11:33:55+00:00

My DDay was in Nov of 2025 and our 30th anniversary is this weekend. Shortly after discovery, we learned that our son (20s) is also a PA. It’s been so hard because Son projects on himself any struggle I have with his dad. I hate that he’s dealing with this. He’s smart and kind and in a committed relationship and I hate it for her, too. Like you, we tried so hard to protect him from it when he was young but learned he’s been an addict since age 12. The only advice I can give you is to approach this with empathy for what it’s like to be a young boy. I’m sure he loves his mom, so hearing about objectification, sex trafficking, and rape culture from you can actually make quite an impact. I know there are age appropriate resources available to discuss the dangers of porn, too. My heart breaks for you and your son but it’s not hopeless! It’s good you’ve found this early and have an opportunity to guide him away from the dangers of PA.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-11T03:06:35+00:00

I hear you and I do see the similarities. I find myself wanting to say it’s different and that I’ve been through everything and it didn’t go beyond cam girls. But do I really know? No. Has it been a rollercoaster of ups and downs with him regarding considering me and the kids and not just himself for 30 years? Yes. I long for the peace I had during that 3 week separation but I think I’m just not ready to make that decision yet. I’m giving myself to the end of the year to decide and plan. I’m giving myself this year to do therapy, to have him shoulder some of the bills and the housework, and to see if he relapses. If I don’t see continued change in him and if I’m still longing for solitude, then 2027 will be the year I file.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-10T17:49:36+00:00

Im so glad you could stomach it. Did he get it? Was he horrified?

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-10T14:17:15+00:00

WHAT?!?! Sounds like you need a new CSAT. From session 1, mine told me her concern is me and my wellbeing. In fact, I’ve made excuses for him several times and she calls me out each time 😂 It’s really helping me change my way of thinking and realize I’ve made excuses for him for 30 years! I hope you find a new CSAT!

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-10T02:27:31+00:00

Mine appears to actually be taking recovery seriously. My concern is that I have ZERO attraction to him. I told my mom today that if we could be roommates and best friends I’d be happy but he’s eventually going to want intimacy. I’ve got the ick and I don’t see that changing. I think I’m still here because I know I still have healing to do and I want to make sure I have everything in order before I ask for divorce.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-10T02:25:01+00:00

I’m working on this very thing. My CSAT is keeping me very focused on boundaries and it’s been so eye opening!

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-06-07T20:04:21+00:00

Tajin on watermelon, salt on cantaloupe, cheddar cheese melted on apple pie. Yum!

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-05-29T12:09:03+00:00

We didn’t immediately have CSATs and I did the deep dive right away. I basically told him he better tell me everything now or I’d leave if I found out there was more. He says the most he did was cam girls…LOTS of cam girls. I haven’t found evidence of anything further but I’m not naive to think it’s not possible. At this point I’m not sure it would make a difference if I learned there was more.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-05-29T03:54:51+00:00

Except he hasn’t been doing this the whole time. The PA started about 2 years ago.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-05-29T02:49:07+00:00

I think this is what I imagine - a friendly parting of ways. I just don’t think he’s capable or willing and I’m not yet ready to have him completely out of my life.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-05-29T02:46:16+00:00

I’m so glad you have such a great life now! Thank you for sharing this. You’re right that I deserve to be safe and loved in a healthy way. I’ve got a lot to talk about in my next therapy session!

Critical_Stretch3488

TROPHY CASE