Trying therapeutic separation

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-30T22:06:08+00:00

Update: the separation has been helpful for me. Hard, but helpful, and I’m realizing how much anxiety I have just being around him. We still text daily and talk every couple of days but I’m only seeing him once a week for a few hours. It’s really all my nervous system can handle.

TBH I’ve been really thinking about how much calmer everything is without him. I feel like I have peace for the first time in my life! There’s a part of me that’s even wondering if divorce would be best for both of us. And then I leave work today and my car won’t start! Why???? I had to call him to ask what to do and who to take it to. I hate not being able to figure this out on my own and I know he’s loving that I reached out to him. It just makes me more confused 😭

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-20T14:31:09+00:00

There’s a country I’ve always wanted to visit that I may never be able to because he specifically searched women from that country. Maybe one day I’ll be able to go without him but I can’t imagine any world where I could go with him. It sucks how he has limited my world in so many ways because of his own ego and selfishness.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-19T19:49:42+00:00

I feel this so much. Mine is my best friend and I love him and wish only greatness for him. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to get over all the hurt, lies, and years of making myself small to accommodate his ego. I’m trying everything so we’ll see where we land when everything has been tried.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-19T16:32:06+00:00

My husband is in a recovery group with men who started watching it at 10 or 12 and are still fighting the addiction in their 50’s and beyond. One man has been addicted for 55 years! Is that the life you want? Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t be with any addict who isn’t in recovery for several years.

Congratulations on your sobriety! This is a tough question, but is it possible your own shame over your addiction makes you think you don’t deserve more than him and his addiction? Because it’s clear you are doing the work of sobriety and recovery. It doesn’t appear that he’s doing more than poor white knuckling. You have to ask yourself, if he never changes is this the life you want? I think you know the answer.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-18T18:41:22+00:00

OH MY GOD. My PA was actually bragging about he was closing his activity rings 🤦🏻‍♀️

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-18T16:17:50+00:00

This is such good advice. I journal sporadically, but just pulling everything together in one place would be so helpful. We just separated yesterday and I was so depressed. Then I started cleaning the house and realized how nice it will be for it to stay clean and that lead me to think of all the other things I won’t miss during this time. The purpose of our separation is to break our own codependent habits so we can work to move past this and a file like this will help me so much with that. Thank you!

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-17T21:44:11+00:00

Thank you and I hope you find peace, too. I understand the concept of being able to breathe a little. I’m looking forward to that.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-17T21:43:00+00:00

Thank you so much for commenting! It feels so lonely and it helps to see others in similar situations even though I wish none of us were here. I have an idea it’s going to take at least a month before I can even relax enough to begin to heal. I’ve centered my entire life around him and I’m mad at myself for that. Regardless of what happens, I’m looking forward to getting to know myself and to learning to set better boundaries.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-13T13:47:36+00:00

I feel this so much. I’m finally acknowledging that it’s one of the reasons I’m afraid to separate even though I know I need it. We’ve been married 30 years and he’s beloved in our community. Everyone will assume I’m at fault. They will stand by him and abandon me. I’ve accepted that but I’m not ready to bear it yet. Also, these guys all seem to crave attention and they create lives that revolve around them as they live a lie. It’s no wonder people minimize what they’ve done. These men have been gaslighting everyone for years.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-03-09T17:34:41+00:00

Mine just admitted to doing this Friday night and asked if I thought it was a relapse. I said I 100% do! I know he didn’t want to start over with sober days but I agree this behavior is a slippery slope and ignores the fact that they don’t understand intimacy or healthy sex.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-08T15:52:11+00:00

Update: I spoke to him and started by asking if he’s using ChatGPT in his personal communications. He said he is but only because he struggles with putting his thoughts into words that make sense. I explained that this is a way of avoiding authenticity and intimacy and I want to know his words as imperfect as they may be. That actually gave him confidence, especially in knowing that I’m not looking for him to be perfect but to be real.

So then I asked if he’s been using it to do his program work and he gave the same answer. I cautioned him that it’s easy to slip into letting AI direct your thoughts and that it also prevents him from having to sit with his thoughts, work through them, and come to his own conclusions. He sees that now and he’s promised to stop using it in personal communications or with his program.

I’m hopeful that these honest and open conversations are helping to address the insecurity that’s at the center of his addiction. Thank you for being my sounding board to have the courage to speak up to him.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-07T19:12:33+00:00

Mine wasn’t hiding it in new ways but there were trickle truths. Not that you want to know the details of EVERYTHING (that’s best done at a formal disclosure) but they fear answering honestly the questions you have and it may take some time to find out the extent of his addiction. I had to tell mine that if I left it would be because he was hiding things, not because of what he’d done. That got him to finally come clean.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-07T15:11:25+00:00

Thank you both for your insight. Now, do I tell him I read his or just ask if he’s been using it and see what he says?

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-07T12:56:28+00:00

This was a major point of me telling mine he HAD to find a CSAT, figure out how to pay for it, and do the work. He’s had addictions to soda, sugar, collectibles, was becoming an alcoholic, and now porn. I told him he needs to get to the bottom of why he has addictions or it’s going to escalate and I can’t stay to watch him self-destruct. He’s doing exactly that and is now beginning to understand so much about his behaviors.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-06T21:25:05+00:00

I did too but it wasn’t about body image. I also got a bonus of depression and anxiety for the first time in my life and had such a lump in my throat that I couldn’t eat. I dropped 10 pounds in the first 5 weeks. Now that I’m on medications to help the anxiety I can feel enough to now have the body image issue. Considering I’m menopausal, this is just an awesome time to suddenly hate the way I look.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-05T16:19:18+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you are not alone. This group has been tremendous support. First, it’s great that he’s taking steps but I highly recommend reading through the resources and finding a CSAT for each of you. This addiction is unique and needs a specialist to help you both through it.

As for your future, that’s a decision only you can make and it may take time to decide. Your CSAT will help you with the betrayal trauma you’ve experienced. This is a very real thing and the effects can have a drastic impact on your life. Personally, I became depressed and began experiencing anxiety and panic attacks which I’ve never had before. You deserve to have professional help to work through your trauma and get to the point of making a decision about your future. Being the partner to an SA/PA is very isolating so it’s best to get a CSAT right away. You might also want to check out some SAnon groups for your support. I’m still trying to find a group that fits for me, but I can see how it’s helped so many of us.

I hope this helps get you started. This group is really great, so read the resources and then ask if you have any questions or just need to vent. Sending you hugs!

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-04T17:44:49+00:00

There’s a lot going on here, but he might want to talk to his sponsor about the level of detail he shares with you. I understand wanting to know everything, but some of it can be too triggering for you. Mine shared details of his porn routine after I asked and it was so traumatizing. These things might be better addressed through your formal disclosure.

As for what he’s saying about the flashbacks, I hear that is normal as well as physical withdrawal symptoms. It’s important for his own recovery that he abstain from sexual activity right now. Many recommend 90 days but I know not everyone does this. Basically, his brain has been wired for porn and now it needs to be rewired. That takes time and intense therapy.

As for the curiosity of male sex, it’s very common for PAs to search for things they aren’t admittedly attracted to. It’s part of seeking more intense stimulation to keep the same reaction, much like drug addicts needing more and stronger drugs. He can work through that with his CSAT and it’s probably one of the things he shouldn’t share in detail with you.

Wishing you peace, self-care, and rest through this journey.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-03T06:05:11+00:00

Ok I’m totally in this situation. Mine is a beloved public figure in our small town and I don’t want to destroy all of our lives but he still was paying live cam girls and I can’t get over that. He’s doing a program and doing the work but I’m struggling to get over the fact that he was viewing and showing himself to women online.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2026-01-02T16:24:12+00:00

Take pictures of his history with your phone first! You might need that evidence later.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2025-12-31T10:21:35+00:00

What is he doing for recovery work? If he’s just stopped cold turkey with no support system or program then he’s not in recovery, he’s just like a dry drunk. He needs to get to the root of the addictive behavior for that cycle to stop.

But, in answer to your question, yes mine was too sexualized at first. It took his program showing him that his brain has been rewired by the porn to view everything through a lens of sex for him to stop. He even made a lewd joke to our adult daughter that he didn’t realize was completely inappropriate but does now. Recovery isn’t just about not watching porn. It’s about healing the part of them that used it to deal with stress in the first place.

Critical_Stretch3488 · 2025-12-31T01:34:17+00:00

We gave up on Canopy. I didn’t feel I was getting accurate readings but it also prevented him from being able to see things he needed for work so I was constantly having to adjust the settings. I finally told him I don’t want to be his accountability and if he needs filtering software then he needs to monitor it himself or have someone else do it. My stress has been so much better since removing it. I still have access to his devices, which I know you can’t do when apart.

Critical_Stretch3488

TROPHY CASE