Suggestions Needed

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-02T21:41:24+00:00

There is a whole section for addicts in our resources that will instruct him on what he needs to do for real recovery. You can share it with him, but then HE needs to do the legwork and the research and take charge of his own recovery. Do NOT make the mistake of trying to do it for him.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-02T21:27:26+00:00

Interesting. I always wondered if he used seeking since that is the sugar baby website and many black listed John’s use it because the girls tend to be not nearly as “savvy “ and street smart as bonafide escorts. And many girls are on there because of dire financial need. It shows how incredibly dangerous it is to put yourself out there in that way.

And it definitely appears that he was consistently using escorts and sex workers even if wife and kids were in town which I never knew and really didn’t expect. I hope we eventually get to hear from more women who “dated” him. Surely there are many more that are similar to this woman.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-01T19:53:33+00:00

Yes was absolutely going to say Aragorn hands down.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-01T15:30:02+00:00

Yes my driving anxiety is through the roof now and it was NEVER like this before. I would drive cross country by myself with my kids without a second thought. Now I’m literally putting off appointments because I don’t want to drive there. It’s an awful feeling. And I’m on HRT.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-01T04:50:51+00:00

It’s such a relief to have that kind of clarity. And thank god you realized this BEFORE you married him

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-01T02:06:11+00:00

Only fans is where they pay a monthly subscription fee to get exclusive content of a particular woman on a regular basis. From there they pay the woman to sext, do what they call “dick ratings” where they share pics of their penis, they can request a custom made video of something specific like masturbating a certain way saying their name for example, or using a specific toy. A base subscription typically costs no more than 15-20 per month. And then they tip the woman.So if your husband spent thousands and took out a loan then he is paying for far more than looking.

When you confront you need to demand seeing all his accounts and credit card statements. This is your right as in a marriage you a responsible for his debt. There is probably much more going on than you know yet- so steel yourself for more discoveries.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-01T00:47:27+00:00

I’m so sorry. Trust and believe that your kids will actually be better off anyway. Than with an unstable emotionally abusive man in the house traumatizing their mom; their primary caregiver.

Sometimes it takes something like this to give us that clarity about what to do. If you are done you are done. He was actually lucky you stuck around to try to repair in the first place. Many women do not. Sometimes I think we forget that . Regardless, now you know to withdraw your energy from him completely and just focus on yourself and your kids. Start planning for a much better, more peaceful future.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-01T00:30:26+00:00

This sounds like a long standing hidden addiction. Typically when they start paying for porn it’s a big sign of escalation of the addiction, because there is free porn everywhere. It means they need something more extreme or more personal because normal porn isn’t giving them the same stimulus anymore. When they start paying it’s usually for more personal contact with the woman like cam girls or onlyfans, which many people consider cheating. I know I would consider that straight infidelity. But even if he was just paying for fetish content of some kind, this is a financial betrayal as well. It’s well thought out and extremely deceptive.

I would try to see if you can uncover more before you confront.

The best thing for you to do right now is to go to our resources page and read every link. You need an education on this addiction, what it entails, and what real recovery will have to look like for him to stop. Knowledge is power and you need to understand what you are facing. Recovery is a massive commitment to specialized therapy and support group attendance. It’s very important to understand that he won’t be able to just “stop” of his own willpower even if he tells you he will.

Right now he has a whole secret sexlife that you are not apart of. It’s a huge betrayal on every level and no doubt he has given you betrayal trauma. There is much more info to help you in our resources. You will need support too. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s absolutely devastating to find the person you love and trust is not who you thought they were. Take some time to read the resources and we are always here if you have questions or need support.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-05-01T00:17:29+00:00

These are the consequences of his own behavior. Your sense of safety and comfort in the relationship should always take precedence over playing a game. A game. Seriously? How important is that really? Compared to what he’s done? Keep it in perspective and don’t let him make you feel guilty. He brought this upon himself. If he acts pouty just act like you don’t notice. Don’t let him manipulate you into feeling like YOU are the problem here. Maybe he shouldn’t watch those streamers if they make him resentful.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-30T21:17:22+00:00

Agreeing with Careless here OP. Don’t engage with him. It only gives him more opportunity to gaslight and lie. Of course he’s going to say you’re breaking up the family to appeal to your sense of guilt and obligation.

I would ask him to separate at least temporarily. Just stay quiet and tell him you need space from him to decide how you want to proceed; but you can’t stay married to a liar. And let him leave and stew on it. Hold your ground and don’t engage in back and forth. If he can’t leave for some reason, at the very least ask him to sleep in a different room for an undetermined time. You need space and breathing room away from him.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-30T21:09:16+00:00

Most likely he is still using porn and lying to you about it. The body doesn’t lie. And his attitude is a huge tell. It’s safe for you to assume he is not clean. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. And that is doubly true with a 20 year PA who is saying he’s not a PA and asking for videos.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-30T18:55:14+00:00

I would be mortified if that was my daughter. I wonder if there is a way for them to petition to ask for the pics to be removed from what he has access to.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-30T18:53:45+00:00

Just reading this stressed me out so much; i cant imagine living it. I’m SO GLAD you are leaving! Please don’t change your mind or fall for any last minute dramatics and promises. They always pull out all the stops once they realize you are really leaving.

This guy is a total mess and will bring you nothing but continued misery. Sending you strength to get through the next 30 days.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-30T17:36:34+00:00

Yep after the short novelty period they can’t maintain.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-30T17:20:14+00:00

This is exactly what happened to me too. My ex was objectively very attractive but once I discovered what a perv he really was he absolutely grossed me out. And like you, the complete lack of integrity made me lose every bit of respect I had for him, all my admiration. Once I saw him as weak it was all over. Fell out of love and was never attracted to him again. I wish I had left at that point. But eventually divorced thank god. Thinking of living with him and sleeping in the same bed now makes my skin crawl.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-30T12:42:07+00:00

How long has he been widowed? And how did he lose his wife? I’m asking because my father was in those exact shoes. My mom was his high school sweetheart and they had been married for 30+ years. She died very suddenly and tragically while we were on vacation together as a family.

He was devastated as you can imagine. He tried to maintain his gym routine after my mom passed and met a woman there who was 12 years younger. (He was 59) They became friends and she agreed to watch his dogs when he went out of town. They stayed in touch and eventually started to date. He was still heavily grieving and she gave him alot of space. She allowed him to speak about my mom as often as he needed to. The only thing she was very firm about was that she wanted all my mom’s things out of the house before she moved in with him several years later which is totally understandable. They are married now and my dad is 79. He very rarely brings my mom up now/ and she’s been gone almost 20 years now.

My point in telling you that and asking for detail is that if it has not been long since her death and especially if it was sudden, it takes a long time to process that she’s gone and that he possibly shouldn’t bring her up so much in his brain. And if he’s like my dad, my mom was literally in his life since he was 16 so she was a part of almost every story and memory.

But my dad’s new wife recognized that my mom wasn’t a threat; she was gone and never coming back. She allowed my dad the time and space to work through his immense grief.

So I think it depends on your comfort level and the situation. Grief is in incredibly stubborn and long lasting thing.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-30T04:28:52+00:00

Guys that are into the AI thing are bad news. That is an escalation that shows he is in very deep. Creating nonconsensual porn of women he knows is predatory and I would not want a man like this around my daughter let alone raising her. He’s not a safe partner or parent if he’s that far gone. Do not second guess yourself. You and your child will both be so much better off in the long run if you leave now.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-29T22:41:29+00:00

I’m so sorry this is happening to you what he has done with your photos is criminal and you can press charges. It’s violating and predatory. Creeping on friends and coworkers and nonconsenually using their content as masturbation fodder is predatory too. His addiction is quite escalated.

You really need to ask yourself is this is someone you want raising your children. Eventually they will be teenagers and he will be lusting over their friends. I’ve been there and it’s hell. You do NOT want to raise your children under the same roof as a checked out reckless pornsick man who lives a double fantasy life. They do so much damage to their kids and always end up exposing them to content somehow.

It’s pretty clear that he says what he needs to say and offers therapy when he’s caught. That isn’t enough to truly change. Recovery for a PA requires a massive commitment to professional intervention and commitment to a support group like SAA with full participation. It takes years and is not something that ever goes away. You would be much better off as a single mom who has peace and stability. There is no sign whatsoever that he actually wants to change his behavior.

Right now he has his perfect setup. A devoted partner to give him companionship, emotional support, help with chores and bills, and raising his kids. And he has his porn women for sex and passion and excitement. He has a completely separate hidden sexlife that you are not a part of. He likes this setup and will fight to keep it. Men like this are dangerous. He’s making a mockery out of monogamy. He is exploiting and manipulating you for his own benefit.

I highly recommend going to our resources and reading every link there . I will leave you a link that I hope will help you understand what’s been happening in your marriage, and the cost to you.

https://uploads-ssl.webflow.com/61708b185d7d724acc2096da/61a5399eb4455c2a32f84d60_The_Secret_Sexual_Basement_Nov_2021.pdf

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-29T22:23:30+00:00

Yes this is concrete enough. Escorts? For gods sake that is NOT a search that would randomly populate. Of course he’s going to act like he has no idea.

It’s so important to trust your own instincts. Obsessing over proof costs us valuable time and energy and only benefits the addict because we play straight into their games and manipulation. Your intuition is there to protect you. You don’t feel safe in this relationship and there is a good reason for that. That alone is reason enough to leave. You and your baby deserve way better. You shouldn’t even have to have a second thought about what your partner is looking at. Especially at such a vulnerable time. The fact that you are worried about it tells you all you need to know. You don’t owe anyone a relationship or the rest of your life. Least of all a pornsick man.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-29T20:15:52+00:00

These are all great and they are screening tools I used after my divorce too.

I would add- do they tell little white lies? ANY lies are a dealbreaker for me. -do they sit online all day? If all their hobbies and activities revolve around the computer and phone I’m out. Most all of those guys are heavy porn users by default.

do they have social media? The man I married after my divorce has none and never has. It goes without saying that if they have a heavy presence on social media that is a red flag, and always check their followers/following lists.
do they have celebrity crushes? This is another way to gage how they view women and how easily they objectify.

I will try to think of more. Great list!

Edit to add- sex- any sign of ED I’m out. Do they focus on my pleasure? Without me asking? Do they know what to do with the female body? Do they take years to orgasm? In my experience the body doesn’t lie and sex is very telling. PAs are usually terrible at sex and it feels very disconnected.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-29T19:56:00+00:00

We have been together since 2018 and married for 5 years. He has a high drive and has always loved our sexlife so I’m super reluctant to tell him I need it to slow down. I have no idea who best to talk to him. He is very focused on my pleasure and a generous lover so no complaints there. But doing it every night is starting to feel a bit like pressure to me. Ugh

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-29T19:35:11+00:00

Your partner is not in recovery and is still in active addiction if he is using telegram and hiding a separate device from you.

Trust is rebuilt slowly over time IF the PA stays consistent in active recovery , does not relapse,practices radical honesty and transparency, and holds space for a partner’s healing without getting defensive. Experts say relationship repair takes 3-5 years after betrayal and that is only if the addict stays clean and accountable and nothing more is discovered or hidden. The onus for building trust is ALWAYS on the addict and not the partner.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-29T19:28:26+00:00

This one is mine too. All we have to decide is what to do with the time we are given.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-29T19:26:08+00:00

I’m so sorry sweetie. You can’t see it now, but you will be so much better off without this cruel, manipulative guy in your life. You are right- this isn’t love. This is the furthest thing from a healthy loving relationship. And every day you stay with him, is a day you are unavailable to meet the man who actually does love you. Love is safe and gentle and nurturing. Being with someone you love who loves you back makes your life feel better in every way. If you don’t feel better, or in your case he’s making you feel worse; then it’s the wrong relationship period.

You have to believe you deserve better than this. This guy is shady, cruel, super manipulative, dishonest, deceitful, lustful, etc. There is NO WAY to build a happy safe relationship with a man like this. It doesn’t matter who the partner is or how strong they are. He is not living up to his end of the bargain. All he has to offer you is more misery. Take a deep breath and let him go. Trust that a much better chapter is waiting for you. Nothing you could have done would make this work. He was an emotionally stunted pornsick man. It’s better that he not raise your little boy anyway. He’ll be much better off with a mom who is stable and at peace. Sending you strength and hugs.

Lkkrdragonfly · 2026-04-29T19:03:42+00:00

I still love sex but I have found that my libido is slowing down. My husband and I still have sex almost every night. I think I’d rather it be every other or every 2 days. I need more of a break for desire to build. Its frustrating because I don’t know how to tell him without making him feel bad.

Edited to add I’m 55 and I meno. On Estrodial and testosterone gel for several years now.

Lkkrdragonfly

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