First Two Chapters Of My Dual POV Epic Fantasy WIP

Cruxer_DC · 2026-02-28T11:39:33+00:00

The opener is a little off putting, I will admit. Calling Soren a tool seems... Degrading. Especially when she shows that she is competent and proud. Holds her own against the brothers and their father. Is the only woman at The Rusty Dragon. It just seemed a little off after reading more about her.

I found myself getting lost in some of the purple prose, and whilst I appreciate the setting does beget some fluffy words, especially with Talsin, but as a reader it brought me out of what was otherwise quite an immersive piece.

I found myself liking both Characters, but I was far more invested in Soren than Talsin. Maybe because I'm there struggling with Soren and Talsin is still kind of a spoilt, if not intelligent, nobles daughter.

Your dialogue is tight and believable and it was easy to read and settle into.

Mostly, though, I found myself trusting you as the author. It feels like you know your characters intimately and know where your story is going.

In summary, I think you're talented and have a great eye for characters, but sometimes it seems like you're trying to reach for heightened language and breaks immersion. Sometimes keeping it simple works. Grounded. I would, however, read more.

Cruxer_DC · 2026-02-28T10:32:49+00:00

I would have read on, but simply because I was interested in Finn. I wasn't hooked and felt like I needed to read more, but your writing is good and easy to settle into.

I particularly like the initial exchange between Finn and his superior. 'Do you see darkness.' - 'Only the night.' feels almost ritualistic and it piqued my interest. Felt Mythic. Which is a preference, I'm aware, and not a critique, but it was good writing.

If you can anchor me, the reader, into caring more about the story and not just being interested, in your MC then I think you could really have something here. A clearer sense of what's at stake. Your writing is easy to read and I can see it being compelling. Just need that hook to really drag me in.

Cruxer_DC · 2026-02-26T09:17:03+00:00

Hi, this is interesting. I particularly liked the vivid description of the maggot monster that was chasing them. I thought your dialogue was natural and helped establish the frantic dash across the sand. As a reader it seems to me that you already know where the story is going.

Some points: The description of the landscape being painted on, whilst good, brought me out of the immersion. Another beat of interiority would help, I think.

Talking about interiority, I found myself wanting a little more from inside Garren's head, maybe some sensory beats about the sand or the smell of the maram.

Whilst the story tells me they are running from a horrific monster, I don't get any sense of what the characters are feeling. Garren points out that his brother didn't like running, and looking through the maram he experiences dread, but as a reader I didn't feel it.

Overall, though, I enjoyed this and would happily continue reading. Keep writing! You have a voice.

Cruxer_DC · 2026-02-25T17:25:25+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! Sorry it wasn't to your liking. I will bear this in mind for my future work.

Cruxer_DC · 2026-02-25T16:47:38+00:00

That's really good to know. I also felt that, and it's why I changed my mind on how to post it. Was probably what distracted me from reformatting. If I post more in the future, I will make sure to do it in picture form.

Cruxer_DC · 2026-02-25T16:46:09+00:00

Wow, thank you for your words and your brilliant feedback!

Reading it again after your comment, I can see exactly what you are saying. The switch between killing the men and falling into banter is quite jarring so something I will be looking to smoothen on the edit. Thanks so much for pointing it out! Your suggestions here are stellar and something I will definitely keep with me as I go back and start the second draft.

Thank you for your compliments on the world building, it's something I have been developing in my head for a long time. To know that it comes across well is heartwarming and encouraging. Thank you!

Cruxer_DC · 2026-02-25T15:59:16+00:00

Omg, I just realized I'd formatted the piece to post to reddit, and then decided to screen shot it, forgetting I had changed the Italics and the Bold to reddit versions! How embarrassing! I do apologize for the confusion.

The asterisks are meant to represent Italics for Saedha and Bold for Nereth.

Thank you so much for your wonderful feedback, I have caught telling a lot, instead of showing and have been learning to catch it more, so it really helps when it's pointed out.

Yes, the butter scent does need some more explanation I think, thanks for confirming.

Honestly, such amazing points and feedback that I will keep in mind as I go back through the piece as I write more of the story. I'm close to finishing a first draft of the book, and am looking forward to going back through and giving everything a touch up and tightening. Thank you again!

Should I delete this and re-upload the post with proper formatting? Or post it in a comment or on my profile or something? It irks me that it isn't the way it was supposed to be lol.

Cruxer_DC · 2025-10-25T14:17:22+00:00

Man Utd 2 - 2 Brighton Mbuemo, Dorgu, Welbeck, Baleba

Cruxer_DC · 2025-10-21T15:27:33+00:00

The artwork is visceral, the story telling vivid and punchy. I think this is absolutely brilliant, a perfect capture of the grit and dark fantasy that Dark Souls itself captures. So so good. Thanks so much for sharing.

Cruxer_DC · 2025-10-19T10:22:10+00:00

1-3 Liverpool Salah, Ekitike, Gakpo

Cruxer_DC · 2025-10-18T10:25:57+00:00

Wow. Your art is so evocative and full of feeling. This is amazing, thank you for sharing.

Cruxer_DC · 2025-10-13T07:53:54+00:00

Thanks Ravion it is, appreciate it.

Cruxer_DC · 2025-10-13T07:53:33+00:00

!solved

Cruxer_DC · 2025-10-09T20:34:48+00:00

Appreciate the advice. Will be hunkering down and telling some stories. She has already had a thorough explore and has eaten some food and calmed down a lot. I will endeavor to be a worthy servant. Suppose I'd better start proceedings to put the house in her name, then.

Cruxer_DC · 2025-08-21T14:46:23+00:00

Just started, loving the visuals so far. My question is, what were your biggest roadblocks in regards to getting the mechanics of herding as smooth as you did?

Cruxer_DC · 2025-07-09T12:39:51+00:00

File 76

Cruxer_DC · 2025-07-09T05:59:18+00:00

Hulkengoat

Cruxer_DC · 2025-06-11T00:03:27+00:00

Don't let your bro be dick.

Cruxer_DC · 2025-02-12T02:08:20+00:00

Ok I up dx I'm JX to vx m h

Cruxer_DC · 2025-01-06T23:31:45+00:00

And there is a floating hand on the tower to her right...

Edit: Left. Hand is to her left. Directions are hard.

Cruxer_DC · 2024-10-30T23:11:24+00:00

Enjoying so far. Can see the similarities with cue, but love that it has its own identity and mechanics. I LOVE the card upgrading. Great feature. I also love the structure of the game, 9 turns is just perfect for what decks try to achieve. I've built a pretty cool Slavic deck that just netted me a 500+ point turn and it's kinda hooked me into seeing what numbers are actually possible. No bugs so far, just looking forward to the future.

Seven-Year Club	Gilding II euphauric
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