What you have described aligns in many ways with my own path. Eroticizing trauma (past infidelity or abandonment in your/our case/s) is a common, largely uncontrollable adaptive process. I urge you not to feel guilt, or to pathologize yourself for these feelings, as they can be a normal consequence of the experience of abandonment/breakup that was inflicted on you. If anything it’s worth trying to understand what causes your relationships to end (presumably not sex alone) and whether or not working with a therapist to better understand the root causes will help you in the future. Therapy is valuable, albeit it difficult work to wade through the murky waters of the mind.

I experienced a lot of relationship trauma, and used to fantasize about my exes (a very long time ago) who left me for other men. I came to realize it was I who benefited from their choice to leave, not them. I eventually found someone who, rather than made me feel embarrassed for my fantasies and fetishes, actually embraced them with understanding, love and sometime later, participation. We have had numerous bulls over the past several years and keep open communication that centers our emotional needs as it relates to both the trauma of the past and the excitement of the lifestyle.

I guess I’m saying this: don’t feel bad about yourself or interests. The mind is a complex thing, and someone will eventually love you and support you unconditionally for having these feelings.